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Happened to my brother who would not take him "home".

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Caregiving is a stressful and often frustrating situation. Although each situation is slightly different, there are common issues we all face. Keeping yourself well and healthy is critical if you are to be of help to your loved one. Two people who are ill are much worse than one. I agree with "worthless" that worrying about their health is not selfish or bad. Did you know a recent study done found that 90% of caregivers die before their loved one. If that's not enough evidence to have caregivers be concerned about their own health, I don't know what is!
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Louise44, you did more than I may have especially if I was working. This is why I will never marry again (got a good one not pushing it) or have some live with me if something happens to DH. Why, because the family figures ur in charge.
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Loise44, my heart goes out to you. You went above and beyond for years. Take care of yourself. Join as many local groups as you can and let new people into your life.
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Worthless, I respect your decision to have Dad in NH - placing a LO in NH is something that is very difficult and most of us would rather not have to do it, but circumstances, financial, physical and concern for the safety and care of the elder makes it necessary. I myself had to do it for elder that was living in my home - caring for him was very difficult - and I had no help at all from his children, had to work full time as well, he had very small $$ income. After he started falling almost daily and he weighed 300 lbs - I am just a bit over 100 lbs - I had no choice but to tell his children that I could not care for him anymore that they either needed to take him or place in NH. I was not married to this man, he never supported me - I had a relationship with him and he moved into my home, that relationship went south very quickly due to his alcoholism, abuse and fact that he refused to work to help contribute to his living expenses. While we were truly no longer a couple - he began to experience a long string of health issues - bypass surgery, diabetes, dementia and much much more, I let him continue to live in my home and over the years became his caregiver along with supporting him as he had nowhere to go - after three years of very extensive care giving, my health was suffering, he was not safe and after asking for one of his 3 children to take him (they did not even give me a no answer, they just ignored me) I placed him in nursing home.
Now do I feel guilty about that, yes, I do daily, do I feel responsible, no - had he taken better care of himself, prepared financially for himself or was a responsible enough parent that his children felt a responsibility to care for him, he would not be there. He continues to believe that we are "a couple" somehow because of the fact I let him stay and took care of him and the dementia and his denial of any of his "faults", he feels that I owe it to him to take care of him. I go to see him often as his family is not very attentive and he continues to want to come "home". I explain to him that I am not able to care for him and that makes him very angry most of the time. While he has never kicked me out of the NH, he has said to just leave, calls me horrible names and is just downright mean. I do understand that much of this is the dementia, but it is hurtful to me - so when he gets nasty to me, I just get up and leave - I do not try to argue with him - pretty much just say, "Sorry you feel that way - you have hurt my feelings so I am going to go" - check to see if he needs anything and then leave - and don't go to see him for a couple of days, then show up with some ice cream for him and all is good.
Please don't be offended by some of the responses that you get, this is an open forum and caregivers respond based on their own experiences, situation and beliefs - does not make them right or wrong and even though some of us have similar experiences no one has walked in your shoes. Hang in with Dad, give him time to adjust, reassure and redirect him when you do visit.
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maybe some time away will be best for both you and your parent. give them time to adjust like someone else mentioned. when you do see them, just tell them, you are sorry they are there but its the best thing for all involved even though you know they are scared and hurt. And as far as captain goes, well if his "old man" is with him now and he is talking about seeing it in the papers with and "old man" lying in feces and maggots, it sounds like his "old man" should be in NH where he can get better care. I find that "captain" is one who says without thinking most times. Good luck to you and hope things ease up for you.
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Sheenaz, that's some crap right there! So good to hear you did exactly what you had to do with the sale, and then barring her. Well done. Rayjays, what a sad story about your sister.. and best wishes for caring for your wife, in the ways that will be needed over time. This site humbles me every day.
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my aunt is in nh solely because her daughter wont care for her . i know that everyone isnt in a position in life to take on fulltime elder care but from the demented oldtimers perspective its probably because theyre selfish and in some cases like my nonworking welfare queen cousin that is indeed the case .
id bring a paying care recipient into my home right now and indeed may already have . i enjoy dementia care and aint half bad at it .
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I've only have had Mom 6 months and she is actually easy. I am doing things I thought I'd never have to do. But, she is going to get worse and I know there r things physically I will not be able to do. I feel our responsibility too our parents is to make sure they are safe, clean, fed and comfortable. If an option is a care facility than its what I listed. When facilities know family checks on residents the are more likely to keep on their toes. In my case, my daughter is an RN in a rehab/nursing facility. If I don't notice something wrong she does and speaks up. We all have different lives. We have to do whatis good for every one involved. Just hope we all have learned something from our parents. That we will be old someday and need to plan for it. I find were I live the older homeowners are having problems keeping their houses up. This is when you have to start thinking about downsizing. Sell that big house. Get an apartment on one floor that is easy to clean and get around easily.
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It'll be OK. Dad hates the facts of losing his home and independence and having someone to blame is pretty handy for his emotional outlet, and he does not have the empathy or the filter to think how hurtful that is, nor to realize that he's just mad about not getting his way, even though his way at this point might be disaster. Tell brother not to take to heart, this stuff is pretty common...he's doing a service by handling the finances and standing up to make the right decisions that need to be made, that Dad would not be able to make for himself.
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Showtimerskid, Captain is probably laughing hysterically at being called a SNOT, because he's actually been through the mill of caregiving a couple times and if he's a snot, he is one of the best loved snots on AgingCare ever. He's an "it is what it is" kind of guy. Calls it like he sees it. Oops, I've used up my quota cliche for today...
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Thanks JoAnn29. You pegged the situation exactly. In fact his plan all along is to get someone to take him home for a "visit" and then give them the "slip". Not at all safe and sound to be at home alone, and not nice to be around for any family members.
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My experience was a bit different. Some time back my wife and I went to visit my sister who had been placed in a nursing home. We lived across the country and her kids didn't warn us about her dementia. When we stepped into her room she squeezed back against the headboard and started screaming for us to leave the room. We were shocked and did as she yelled. My sis and I had always been fairly close so I was quite upset. It was my first exposure to dementia so I didn't understand. My wife is in the mid stages of dementia now and I take care of her with better understanding of what is happening. But, that doesn't make it any easier knowing that she is slowly slipping away from me. Dementia is a cruel disease.
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Don't bring him home. It may be harder to get him back if you need to. Going from the hospital, rehab and then longterm is the best way to get medicaid. If he is in NH then someone felt that was going to be the best place for him. The dementia will only get worse. He will need a lot of care that you may not be able to give. 2 months is not long. Loved my Dad but he was selfcentered. He had a number of health problems. As he got worse so did his verbal abuse. Me, I would never have been able to deal with it. He would have been in a nursing home. Really think he would have enjoyed the home. Would have had a new audience for his stories. I don't think its selfish to look out for yourself. I think we need to figure pros and cons. Finances are a big thing. I would step back for a while. You can check on him by phone to the nurses. Is there a relative he likes who can checkon him? Sometimes people like your Dad are nicer to outsiders.
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Yes, my mother has thrown me out of the NH. I had to leave her there because of her high needs, safety at home and my health needs and burn out. She lived with me for several years with minimal help from one sibling and nothing but trouble from another. I noticed she is at her worst when on sibling "stirs her up"! All my friends and other family members and fellow care givers on this site have been supportive. Except this one sibling. To showtimerskid, you're absolutely right about the captain! Definitely a snot! If his aunt only needs supervision and has nothing much wrong with her. She would not qualify to be in a NH! I know it's hard but keep going back. Go "no contact" for a while, try to keep calm when you talk to your Dad, and keep going back. Seems like you and your brother can support each other. Good luck to you.
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Yes, my mother has thrown me out of the NH. I had to leave her there because of her high needs, safety at home and my health needs and burn out. She lived with me for several years with minimal help from one sibling and nothing but trouble from another. I noticed she is at her worst when on sibling "stirs her up"! All my friends and other family members and fellow care givers on this site have been supportive. Except this one sibling. To showtimerskid, you're absolutely right about the captain! Definitely a snot! If his aunt only needs supervision and has nothing much wrong with her. She would not qualify to be in a NH! I know it's hard but keep going back. Go "no contact" for a while, try to keep calm when you talk to your Dad, and keep going back. Seems like you and your brother can support each other. Good luck to you.
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I put one of my siblings on the no visit list. She was furious I had sold my mother's house to pay for the cost of her assisted living even though the house had been left to me as I had paid off the mortgage. She and her husband visited once her at her new home to scream at the mother and somehow my mother ended up with blck eye and bruises. My sister said she only gve her a ittle shove.. My sister feels my mother should have been "dumped" local nursing home as they are cheap- even though most nursing homes have pretty bad reputations in our area for good reason. That way the house could have been sold and she and her husband cou;d have gotten half the proceeds..
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We are too rural for any support services to come out with out paying mileage. I figured 24/7 skilled nursing would cost over 15K a month, which is not possible.
And captain, I am calling you out: You are a SNOT. Just because a caregiver is burned out and starting to worry about their own health and sanity does NOT mean they have bad intentions.
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Contact your local area agency on aging, they may have some programs available that will allow your dad to go home with services. He's mad and upset, I can understand that but he has to realize that taking care of a loved one is difficult especially if he has high needs. It may be possible to move him into an assisted living facility. Speak with the long term care ombudsman who is an advocate for those in nursing homes, she/he may be able to give you options that you can explore with your dad. good luck.
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Let him have his space from you for awhile. Caring for someone fulltime is a hard stressful job even when you love them. If placing him in a nursing home is best for your health and his, then you did the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. Life is hard.
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I say give him some time. My mom threw me off her property she didn't know who I was and her husband (a**) didn't help the situation. He will eventually shift and for you hopefully for the better. Don't be hard on yourself.
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showtime, I'd be willing to bet that several people on this list have had that happen, and I hope they see this. As you know, whenever he is upset it is your fault specifically, so what's new about that, right? I'm glad you've had a brother through all of this, I'm an only :/ and had/have no one to spread the ownership. In an old person's mind, they've 'ended up in a nursing home' so try to give some slack for that. This is *story*-wise the worst thing that could happen to him; it's a pre-defined thing that everyone's talked about. He's surely lacking in flexibility at this age! and doesn't yet see whether he could be happy there. Maybe consider sending him a card, you're there and will be there... you can't change what's going on with his health much as you'd like to... and you'll love to come see him when he's willing to watch his language and behavior. Keep doing the right thing, you want that for yourself as well as him, you just also know that you don't have to put up with too much crap. Sending you many understanding thoughts. :)
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the old man staying at my house right now has two daughter playing tug of war for his money and his help but when things get bad for burley there is no question in my mind that neither of these welfare queens would care for him for one moment . he'll be one you see in the news lying in a bed in maggots and feces .
its easy to discount the demented elders as selfish old coots but there are 3 sides to every story . yours , mine , and the facts as a judge would see them .
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wintersun,
in the old mans mind " narcissist " might apply to the kids who wont take care of him and banished him to an NH . maybe hes done a h*ll of a lot for these kids over a lifetime . my aunt could be living with her daughter right now but her daughter just doesnt want the inconvenience . aunt really needs nothing in the line of special care , only supervised for her safety .
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Sounds like if he doesn't get his way he has a tantrum. And he has always been like this? If so he will get worse. I would have the nurse keep an eye on him and ask if he wants you to visit. Then she can let you know. Maybe he is having a hard time adjusting. If he is truly a narcissist, he cares about no one but himself. That is hard to deal with at any age.
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Has been in for 2 months. Yes, mild dementia, but is a malignant narcissist. Lived in same house for 50 years, week in hospital, 45 days in rehab. Now says my brother and I are dead to him and will not speak to us.

I pay the bills and want to go "no contact" for awhile. What a mess.
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How long has your parent been in the nursing home?

Does your parent have dementia?

Where did the parent live prior to the nursing home?

If you could give us a few more details it would help us help you better.
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