Follow
Share

I've noticed in recent years my mom really does this "stating the obvious" thing. Example: The other day we were at my inlaws for a visit and my mother-in-law (who can hear well and has no dementia) asked about our (my husband and mine's) new cat. We showed a picture and said her name was Frida. My mom cuts in and starts saying it's a German girl's name. (This is something my inlaws would know.) My mom does stuff like this all the time, though, and it gets annoying, to be frank about it. She'll tell someone she traveled somewhere (England for example) and say stuff like, they speak English there, but with it's not with an American accent. All kinds of obvious things. I don't know why she's like this. She's always thought she was smarter and more sophisticated than just about everyone. On top of that she has this weird thing where she thinks people should do stuff for her. Not shopping, but for example she's not born and raised in America, so she complains that people never wanted to learn her language as a way to get closer to her. (I'm decent in her native language and she has friends from the old country so she gets to speak it pretty often). But she'll complain that Americans don't want to know or learn her language (for her?). My take is, if I moved to Germany, France, Spain, wherever, I expect to speak the native language since it's part of the adjustment. I'm in their world, they're not moving into mine. Another odd thing: She'll say weird borderline racist stuff to people. She'll mention to black people that her daughter voted for Obama. Some people have responded with a "oh, that's nice," or just shrugged it off, but others have been offended. I tell my mom, that's a weird, wrong thing to say, and she'll just go, "Oh, they love to hear that!" I don't agree: She doesn't go and tell white people who her kids have voted for! On the flipside, she is a native German, if someone were to assume she's a Nazi because she's old and German, she'd be furious. If I point that out to her, followed with hey, how about we don't make assumptions based on skin color or a person's homeland, I'm labeled a jerk. Is there a way to work around this or is this a trend among others with aging parents?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

10 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Frontal lobes "shrink" with age and the social filtering fails. Once again they are like a 5 year old, and say just what they are thinking. There is no fix for that and you do have to limit their interactions or carry a card that says " Mom has Dementia, Thank you for understanding."
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
This is one of the reasons many of us so love to take their parent out. The worst thing my mother has done was in a restaurant that hired mentally challenged people. I've had to severely shush her when she started talking about how they hire "retarded people" there. She seems to think that others don't have ears anymore. Yesterday she started talking about how ugly a man was. I told her that we were no beauties ourselves. That hushed her up fast... Anything that works. I don't want her to hurt people.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Social filters go out the window when someone has Alzheimer's. My grandmother did the same thing. I remember we were at IHOP one day for lunch and my grandmother remarked, in what she thought was a whisper but wasn't, "Our waitress is a MULATTO." My grandmother would also obsess over pregnant women we'd see out somewhere. It got to where I would desperately try to redirect her attention when I'd see a pregnant woman. My grandmother would just be very intrusive, nosy and personal when she'd march up to a pregnant woman and start to talk to her. And she was never like that! It was the Alzheimer's.

Grandma thought she was whispering but the entire place could hear her. It was awful and I finally stopped taking her out. Other than duct tape her mouth shut I didn't know what else to do. I tried to tell her that she should not say such things but she didn't care. I had to actually explain to people that I was so very sorry and that my grandmother had Alzheimer's. No one was rude to me but no one was overly understanding and gracious about it either. Not after my grandma had made such offensive, inappropriate, and hurtful comments.

I don't know of any way to work around it except redirection but if your mom is like my grandma some ignorant comment can come out of nowhere. We can't prepare for everything in every situation. I did a lot of apologizing until I just stopped taking my grandmother out altogether. A part of me thought that she knew exactly what she was saying was wrong because she "whispered" it. She did do and say some funny stuff and we still tell those stories but overall it was a nightmare.

When I'd see a 'situation' coming I'd clamp my claw down on my grandma's bony arm and try to get her away from what I knew was about to happen but that wasn't always effective.

It's not a trend. It's just another symptom of Alzheimer's.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I was thinking on this. We do have a responsibility to make sure our family member doesn't hurt someone. A person who isn't beautiful, slim, or a genius doesn't need to be shamed by someone in public, even if that person has dementia. Sometimes going somewhere can feel like carrying a verbally loaded weapon.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
NumbersArtist I'm wiping away the tears LOL we don't screw!

I refuse to take my Mom out to eat. I take her everywhere else but the down time waiting for her food is the worst.. She finds someone to insult and if I say anything she just gets louder..
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Oh lordy...how I can relate...lol. Picture yourself in a buffet line at Thanksgiving and your mother taking her finger and dipping it in the dressing to taste...yikes! or then going back for seconds and totally cutting the line....I then intervene trying to pull her plate saying...mom, you can't just cut in front of people. she saying, yes I can, I don't care about these people...while pulling her plate back. It was like a bad sitcom. Then she'll say...about her 87 year old boyfriend. We don't screw...Bud doesn't get hard-ons. Good lord....please take me now!lol My real mom(before dementia) would never do or act like this.
I feel like I have an autistic child that is getting worse instead of better....that is the sad reality of it. I guess all you can do is have a sense of humor about it and wonder what you did wrong in your prior life. lol
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Thanks everyone. I'm getting ideas from you all. I might just take my mom out to "safer" places, too, where people know about her, so they know that weird stuff can be expected. That'll at least help some of it!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It sounds like your mom is much like she has always been, only now, she's "more so." My mother is like this too. She can be condescending, insulting, and a real nuisance. Nothing new. I know she's lonely now, so I try to cut her some slack, but she's always craved attention, and is a huge know-it-all. It doesn't matter to her now though if it's admiration or sympathy she's getting -- either is fine, as long as she's getting plenty of it. She will approach people at restaurants eating outside with their dogs, and tell them all about HER dog, bragging about him, telling the same story over and over. The people will be kind and understanding for a minute, but if it goes on any longer, they understandably feel like their meal is being hijacked. I try to get my mother away as calmly and as fast as I can. And NOW, I will not be taking her anywhere there's outdoor seating. Which stinks for the people inside sitting next to us, because they'll get to hear her loudly talking about something grim and dismal (her favorite subjects are always on the spectrum of negative-to-traumatic) YAY...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Looloo, I love your response. My mom is really "more so" of what she's always been. And she loves to talk about things grim and dismal. One 5 p.m. newscast sets her off on how horrible crime is and how bad things are going to get. She's got a decent pension, low rent, roomy apartment and money to spare, and yet it's all going to h*ll in a handbasket.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
When I began helping mom I was absolutely appalled that she would point at people that were quite heavy and say OMG Di you see that?! Well I have been successful in stopping that for the most part, don't hear it often now. But then imagine after her hubby was released from rehab (he does not have dementia) that he also was participating in this rudeness. Evidently they would go on their errands and out to lunch and they would both do it, then talk about that person. And he comes home starts this repulsive behavior in mom all over again. It was not hard to break him of this habit, but once mom started again, it was difficult to get her to stop again. I think it gave them something to talk about and mom was already to the point of only being able to talk about what she could see. Now she has a hard time recognizing familiar objects much less having a conversation about them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter