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I provide live-in care for my mom and she's worried about running out of money. Our banker told us to cut our outside help in half so we're saving thousands that way. She agreed a long time ago to pay me and now that I work double the hours it's important that she continue.

We're bringing on a live-in caregiver on weekends (cheaper) to provide me respite. Last weekend I took a vacation. Now she's accusing me ahead of time of spending all my money this coming weekend just because I have the time off. She said if i do, she'll "take it away." I am proud of myself because i could have yelled at her but I left the room and told her i'm not having this conversation with her right now.

I'm in therapy so I don't have angry reactions to this kind of nonsense when she pushes these buttons. I just want the buttons to go away, or for her to just die already.

I'm sick of the abuse.

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If you are taking up the slack as a caregiver then it's not abnormal that you be compensated for it and it's no one's business what you do with your money.
Set boundaries with mom, Just because she pays you doesn't mean she has a right to belittle or question you. She may feel alone or is afraid of losing you and she may be afraid. You did a great job of not being verbally abusive to her after her comments. I like the above comment from gladimhere, an elder law attorney could prove very helpful. good luck
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WOW ! Great comments all around ! I see so many similarities in my situation. I realize my Mom is up the creek without a paddle, and just has her meager SS income, which is her money. Do do with as she wishes. I do find it hard to make ends meet- since I'm only shooting (portraits and social occasion) sporadically. Only one friend will come sit with her so I can work a day or two A MONTH. She refuses to let anyone else be here (my house). Had a temper tantrum yesterday because she didn't like a person an a TV program (Tree House Masters). Each day gets crazier...but I keep telling myself THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY...and if I can handle this amount of stress and financial compromise I will be the gem of the business world when this is over. I am currently collecting letters of reference from her doctors and anyone in our circle(s) who is aware of the effort I've put into this "project". It's only abuse to us who serve IF we let it get to us and IF we are not DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING NOW. Do include photos (with time/date stamp), videos, and corroboration from ALL professionals you are using. Keep your own records, even make a second set. I even record conversations when I can...because my sister (who is a great gal) discounts everything I say, because when she talks to Mom on the phone- she sounds great and everything is just 'fine'. Stand strong- the ugliness is not from you , and it's not about you.
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You and your Mom assume your mother has the power because she holds the pursestrings. If you step back and see the big picture you have all the power. What will she do without you? Could she pay for all the services you give at agency rates? Would it be done as well as you do it I suggest calmly the next time she pulls this crap, you explain you give your life to see that she is well taken care of. Do you not earn this money twice over? Ask her why she would try to hurt you in such a way? Does she feel this is just? If someone can do it better, please hire them, yes them as you do the job of three people. Throw it back in her lap. State your boundaries clearly, and stick to it. When my Dad acts like your Mom, I go out to eat on his credit card, and he can make his own dinner.
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Oh, do I feel your pain. I have been living through exactly the same kind of emotional and financial abuse, doing all the work and being held a financial hostage for almost 20 years. I am just now getting myself out from under this horrible load. This kind of crap was also coming from my sister who has sole POA. She actually stopped compensating me when she took over mom's finances and nullified the agreement my parents made with me 20 years ago when I moved back home to take care of him before he died and agreed to give up my life to stay near mom until she passes. I continued caring for mom, too, this entire time. Now that she has dementia and my sister "smells" the money in her estate, she's all of a sudden involved. Sister expected me to provide all the care, and at the same time find some magical means of providing my own financial support and still be home to "watch" and care for mom all day and all night. Sister doesn't seem to understand that there won't be any money left in the estate by the time mom passes, so the drooling is all for naught. Be glad you don't also have that complication. If you have POA, you are already in charge and can handle it the way it works best for you. Don't let your parent bully you. The work you are doing is physically difficult, but there is not enough money on the planet to adequately compensate for the emotional work you are living through every second of every day.
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You are caring for your mother who is paying you and at the same time on full disability? Isn't there a contradiction here somewhere?
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Can you be on full disability and work as someone's caregiver?

What's the plan for three years from now? Medicaid and a nursing home?

What's your plan for three years from now if she goes on medicaid and into a nursing home?

What's your plan for after she is dead?
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Smitty, your Mom is paying you. See an elder law attorney you sure do not want her Medicaid eligibility jeapordized, especially if money to pay for her care is a concern.
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I don't work outside the home because i'm on social security disability because of my fibromyalgia. That, along with her paying me constitutes my income. The banker is just using common sense...we will run out of money in 3 years if I don't cut back. So far we've cut out the overnight person and i get up a few times a night. The way he puts it is that I'm paying myself instead of the agency.
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And since she is paying you, I hope that you have a care agreement in place and documentation stating the care you provide is medically necessary. If not these are penalties under Medicaid. If this is a concern see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid planning. In some states Medicaid will permit transfer of the house to you if the care you provided was necessary without penalty. And if mom is competent get this done now!
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Your profile says that she's living in independent living. If she's that independent, then why does she need you working for her or does she need to move to assisted living?
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What has your therapist said to you about setting boundaries with such emotional abuse? What has your therapist said to you about ceasing to dance this emotional dance that your mom has you in?

While you can't change or fix her, you can change yourself by putting yourself on a healthier path regardless of what she does. To do this, I recommend three steps.

1. Read this article.
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/power-of-emotional-blackmailers-176430.htm

2. Find yourself a job and tell your mother that since she has the money that she can hire her own help, but you will not longer be subject to her.

3. Keep meeting with your therapist so that you can stay strong in your boundaries and keep living your own life in a healthier manner without the emotional abuse for mom.

Good luck. Come back and keep us posted.
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Yeah, just list all the things you do for her. Any possibility of asking one of the knowledgeable attendants of that facility to tell your mom how much it would cost to pay for someone. And then compare what your mom is paying you. After this, tell her that you're working for 2 people for that amount. When she pays you for SERVICES RENDERED, then it's now your money, not hers. You can use it for whatever you want. If she's not happy with, then tell her that you quit and will hire someone else to cover for you - at the going cost. .....Sorry. I was on the roll when my brain went blank from tiredness. But you get the gist.
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To get back to your original question, you are an adult and any money your mom pays you for care is yours to do with what you want. Unfortunately, it often happens that the one who pays the piper is the one who calls the tune, meaning that your mom feels that it's her money you're using and you should use it on things that meet with her approval. It's your money but she doesn't see it that way. Maybe it would help if you sat down with her and go over everything you do to earn that money.

Stay strong. You earn that money, every red cent.
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I'm not defending mom's financial planner. Matter of fact I think she's a bit of a flake but she's on the money no pun intended. L T C insurance only pays 120 a day for home care. Roughly @ 5 hrs a day. Only pays 150 a day for facility for just two years. If she lives longer than that, money's gotta come from somewhere.
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This is typical of bankers, financial planners (and others) - it does not just have to do with caregiving - I've seen it in wills and estate plans, child raising, etc. etc. The problem boils down to individuals who know "all about money" but have no cents (sense). As an admin assistant I've worked for these types over the years and could tell some hilarious stories - they "get the big picture", like they see a car, but they don't pay attention to the details (the car has flat tires, engine gone, etc.). I guess they assume that the world is their mommy and will kiss it and make it well.
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If I understand this correctly, a financial planner is giving caregiver advice at what expense? If your Mom's care is cut in half, who will provide the care? Funny how a 'financial planner' is in charge of cutting care for Mom...
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My mom's financial planner just told my mom to cut back on the home care or mom would go through all her $ in just a few years. Sucks because since mom can't walk, can't toilet herself, bathe or dress herself, has developed dementia and has developed crippling arthritis in her hands we need lots of home care. Mom even has l t c insurance but it only pays 120 a day. Planner told her to start looking at facilities and sell the house. So I will be homeless if that scenario plays out. Need to talk to elder care lawyer. Good luck Dmitry.
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Your banker told you both to cut your outside help in half? Was he/she crazy or what? The way I look at it, if one's parent can pay for outside help, then let that parent do so, that way the grown child can work outside of the home, add to their retirement and have all the benefits that the job offers. Plus one's outside work is like going on *vacation* every time they leave the house :)
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