How do you deal with a parent who pays you and then uses it to manipulate and threaten you?

Follow
Share

I provide live-in care for my mom and she's worried about running out of money. Our banker told us to cut our outside help in half so we're saving thousands that way. She agreed a long time ago to pay me and now that I work double the hours it's important that she continue.

We're bringing on a live-in caregiver on weekends (cheaper) to provide me respite. Last weekend I took a vacation. Now she's accusing me ahead of time of spending all my money this coming weekend just because I have the time off. She said if i do, she'll "take it away." I am proud of myself because i could have yelled at her but I left the room and told her i'm not having this conversation with her right now.

I'm in therapy so I don't have angry reactions to this kind of nonsense when she pushes these buttons. I just want the buttons to go away, or for her to just die already.

I'm sick of the abuse.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
18

Answers

Show:
If you are taking up the slack as a caregiver then it's not abnormal that you be compensated for it and it's no one's business what you do with your money.
Set boundaries with mom, Just because she pays you doesn't mean she has a right to belittle or question you. She may feel alone or is afraid of losing you and she may be afraid. You did a great job of not being verbally abusive to her after her comments. I like the above comment from gladimhere, an elder law attorney could prove very helpful. good luck
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

WOW ! Great comments all around ! I see so many similarities in my situation. I realize my Mom is up the creek without a paddle, and just has her meager SS income, which is her money. Do do with as she wishes. I do find it hard to make ends meet- since I'm only shooting (portraits and social occasion) sporadically. Only one friend will come sit with her so I can work a day or two A MONTH. She refuses to let anyone else be here (my house). Had a temper tantrum yesterday because she didn't like a person an a TV program (Tree House Masters). Each day gets crazier...but I keep telling myself THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY...and if I can handle this amount of stress and financial compromise I will be the gem of the business world when this is over. I am currently collecting letters of reference from her doctors and anyone in our circle(s) who is aware of the effort I've put into this "project". It's only abuse to us who serve IF we let it get to us and IF we are not DOCUMENTING EVERYTHING NOW. Do include photos (with time/date stamp), videos, and corroboration from ALL professionals you are using. Keep your own records, even make a second set. I even record conversations when I can...because my sister (who is a great gal) discounts everything I say, because when she talks to Mom on the phone- she sounds great and everything is just 'fine'. Stand strong- the ugliness is not from you , and it's not about you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You and your Mom assume your mother has the power because she holds the pursestrings. If you step back and see the big picture you have all the power. What will she do without you? Could she pay for all the services you give at agency rates? Would it be done as well as you do it I suggest calmly the next time she pulls this crap, you explain you give your life to see that she is well taken care of. Do you not earn this money twice over? Ask her why she would try to hurt you in such a way? Does she feel this is just? If someone can do it better, please hire them, yes them as you do the job of three people. Throw it back in her lap. State your boundaries clearly, and stick to it. When my Dad acts like your Mom, I go out to eat on his credit card, and he can make his own dinner.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh, do I feel your pain. I have been living through exactly the same kind of emotional and financial abuse, doing all the work and being held a financial hostage for almost 20 years. I am just now getting myself out from under this horrible load. This kind of crap was also coming from my sister who has sole POA. She actually stopped compensating me when she took over mom's finances and nullified the agreement my parents made with me 20 years ago when I moved back home to take care of him before he died and agreed to give up my life to stay near mom until she passes. I continued caring for mom, too, this entire time. Now that she has dementia and my sister "smells" the money in her estate, she's all of a sudden involved. Sister expected me to provide all the care, and at the same time find some magical means of providing my own financial support and still be home to "watch" and care for mom all day and all night. Sister doesn't seem to understand that there won't be any money left in the estate by the time mom passes, so the drooling is all for naught. Be glad you don't also have that complication. If you have POA, you are already in charge and can handle it the way it works best for you. Don't let your parent bully you. The work you are doing is physically difficult, but there is not enough money on the planet to adequately compensate for the emotional work you are living through every second of every day.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

You are caring for your mother who is paying you and at the same time on full disability? Isn't there a contradiction here somewhere?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Can you be on full disability and work as someone's caregiver?

What's the plan for three years from now? Medicaid and a nursing home?

What's your plan for three years from now if she goes on medicaid and into a nursing home?

What's your plan for after she is dead?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Smitty, your Mom is paying you. See an elder law attorney you sure do not want her Medicaid eligibility jeapordized, especially if money to pay for her care is a concern.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I don't work outside the home because i'm on social security disability because of my fibromyalgia. That, along with her paying me constitutes my income. The banker is just using common sense...we will run out of money in 3 years if I don't cut back. So far we've cut out the overnight person and i get up a few times a night. The way he puts it is that I'm paying myself instead of the agency.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

And since she is paying you, I hope that you have a care agreement in place and documentation stating the care you provide is medically necessary. If not these are penalties under Medicaid. If this is a concern see an elder law attorney that specializes in Medicaid planning. In some states Medicaid will permit transfer of the house to you if the care you provided was necessary without penalty. And if mom is competent get this done now!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your profile says that she's living in independent living. If she's that independent, then why does she need you working for her or does she need to move to assisted living?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.