Is it right or wrong for an elderly parent to pay their child for care?

Would your parents be willing to put their desires in writing, to silence the brooding sibling; their jealous child? Do they know the trouble that your sibling is causing? Have you always had issues with your sibling? Sounds like an "inheritance" worry to me...but don't know all the details, or your family dynamics. You sound like a wonderful "child," and your sibling does not seem pleased about that. Is money the only issue?

In almost all families, one member provides the care and everyone else steps back and gives orders. You are not wrong for taking your parents money. Why should you have to provide ALL the care on your own dime? And no, these funds should not be deducted from any inheritance.
It sounds as though there are some deep seated issues here between your sibling and you. It also sounds as if your sibling is very greedy. And you need to up your fee!
Secretsister is right, your parent should put this in writing. Notarize it.

Thank you secretsister and yearight!. I needed some affirmation.

Yes, this parent is absolutely aware of my sibling's feelings and continually listens to the sibling knocking me on most daily phone calls because I overhear some of the conversations. I simply go to the other end of the house not to hear. The sibling refuses to come to my house and visit their own parent.

And yes, I did draft up an "Arrangement Agreement" document that we both signed, including my spouse and did have it notarized. However, it was not drawn up by an attorney, but is rather thorough. Not sure of the tax consequences for me and plan to check that out.

And yes, there have been "issues" between us two siblings for years. I feel bad the sibling keeps putting our parent in the middle and tries to make life miserable, but the parent won't tell my sibling to stop talking junk. My parent is getting absolutely great care in a lovely home and environment and it makes me sick my sibling is such a thorn. They wanted our parent to go into a "nursing home" of all things or assisted living and pay triple what the parent offered to pay. (I'm trying to refrain from disclosing "he/she" or "mom/dad" to protect identities).

I am wondering if anyone out there is in a situation wherein a parent is living with an adult child and giving them money for their constant care? I am being made to feel I am the only one in the world who accepts an appropriate amount of money from an elderly parent for their care. It would be good to have facts about other families and how they pay for such care within the family.

Oh my gosh - I'm sure you deserve every cent you are getting !!! Let me at those relatives !! I had an elderly relative who was financially exploited by a family member. I took them to court and because there was no documentation from the Dr. stating that she had Alzheimers, the lawyers and the relative pretty much got everything. The poor little thing has just a small soc sec check and that does not nearly cover the cost of all her care ...i.e prescription, Depends, etc. etc .... Good for you and God Bless you !!!

Ismo64081, Whatever you do don't let anyone make you feel guilty for accepting money from your parents for their care. I also receive money from my mother for providing 24/7 care for her. I receive less than a third of what a "skilled facility" would charge her. Due to my own health problems I could not manage an outside job and provide full time care for my mother. Given the choice I had I gave up my job to provide the care that my sisters felt they could not provide and what I receive pays my bills. I am blessed that my sisters feel that I am entitled to every dime I receive and am thankful thaat I try to provide mom with better care than she received while in a nursing home.
You deserve many thanks and lots of hugs for doing what your sibling doesn't do! If your sibling has a problem with this tell her what my mother would ..."Take a long walk off a short pier!"
Best of luck to you!

Ginnygirl and Charliangel - thank you for your words of strength. God love you both. I like the "Take a long walk off a short pier". And also for giving me an idea of "less than 1/3 of skilled nursing".

In putting together actual numbers to present to my parent and sibling, I now have a small beginning with "1/3 of skilled nursing". I figure I cannot fight the battle without true facts. I don't want this thing going to court if my sibling tries to deduct cost of care from the estate when our parent dies. In preparation, I'm trying to figure out some sort of survey for adult children taking care of a parent to help my cause.

My sibling is totally jealous and self-centered; wherein I'm trying to focus on my parent's safety, well-being, and saving money. Very difficult to understand and reason with my sibling and it's almost pointless to explain anything.

Again - thank you all. Everyone sounds like they're involved in the 24/7 scenerio and it is A LOT OF WORK! Let's keep the strength and faith.

It's hard fighting a greedy individual. They use anger and other tactics to intimidate you. Get some quotes from home care agencies, and then start documenting all you have done are are going for your folks. When your sib comes against you, ask them what they've done for your parents, besides lust after their money. Then tell them to hush. You can turn a deaf ear to that garbage. You owe them nothing, and they have no say. It's your parent's money, not theirs, and never should be. Your parents owe them nothing. But if they choose to compensate you for your wonderful care of them, what business is that of your sib? Still, you may want to document all the expenses, and how the monies were distributed. Always good to keep records, just in case. But tell your sib to take a hike - anywhere but your back yard. You don't owe them an explanation for anything. How dare they make you account to them? Is it their money??? No. Don't let them bully you any more.

I have changed the locks on my parent's house, so my sis can't go in and help herself to the goodies. Why should she? I am looking out for my parent's future needs, and must protect their assets. Too bad if sis doesn't like it. She's nine hours away, and doing nothing for mom, so...she has no stake or claim on the homestead. Me, either. It's mom till mom doesn't need or want it anymore. Then, let the games begin. Ha! Too late! The state will get their share, as they are caring for dad in a long term care facility. My only concern is caring for my parent's needs. It's not my job to worry about my sister's "inheritance." I find it sickening to focus on that now, anyway. How about the daily grind? Mom getting back and forth to appointments, etc.? Where is the sibling then? Think about, and don't let them make you feel guilty. Take care.

Secretsister: You are awesome. Thanks for all the reminders and putting it on paper for a reality perspective. You are so right. Just wish my parent wouldn't listen to all the junk my sibling keeps crabbing about, but I can do little about that.

Thank goodness we live in my house so I don't have to change any locks like you - unbelieveable! You as well - take care. I appreciate all your input. Thanks.

Why can't/doesn't your parent just give you a gift of money every month, twice a week, every 4 months, or whenever. Why does it have to seem like a PAYMENT for services rendered? Why not just see if your parent could purchase a new stove for the house, a new walk-in shower, or whatever the house needs. Or maybe go on a vacation with the parent have him/her pay for it vs. taking a regular "paycheck" for taking care of your parent. And here's a thought that probably EVERYONE out there will disagree with, if there is plenty of money to go around, why not have that parent send the sibling a check in the mail? Otherwise, it really seems as if you are getting paid to take care of your parent. And for me, that concept doesn't swallow well. I'd have the parent spend the money on himself/herself - massages, dinners out, therapy sessions, hairdresser, etc. How did the sibling even come to know about any of this? Life is so short. At the end of the day, money can't by compassion, love, quality time spent with a loved one, patience, sincerity. There is plenty of money in the universe to go around. Suggest that your parent write your sibling a check.

I am currently taking care of my mom. We basically live off my husband's income. Financially, it has become a strain on us; utilities are very high, especially given the fact that someone is home all day. Food cost is high.

I don't see any problems with your parents giving you the income. What amazes me is siblings who don't want to take on the responsibility; however, they can be critical and judgmental of the one who is willing to take on the responsbility.

Wow - this topic got a little hot.

Thank you Cynthia for your response. It does indeed raise all the bills. My parent may be 92 but certainly has an appetite and is rather picky on some things. I was somewhat surprised with all the time and mental energy it takes with my parent living here. Everything revolves around them just like when my kids were small. But she is safe and well taken care of. But again - IT IS A LOT OF WORK.

In response to Monday. You did have some good ideas with the parent paying for an appliance, vacation, etc. and may work well with some families. My parent is too old to travel and I'm blessed to live in a lovely home not needing such things. I do need a $30,000 deck replacement but asking them to pay a portion just doesn't seem right. Using her monthly contribution goes toward the mortage, utilities, home & car insurance, food, transportation to MANY doctor appts, errands, etc. However, your suggestion for the parent to write a check at the end of the month and send it to my sibling who does NOTHING BUT CRAB would only enable self-centered behavior. My feeling is not one of "entitlement" like my sibling thinks - but rather a feeling of "having worked for it". So I cannot agree with you on that one and was surprised with the suggestion. My parent does not have that much money that it can be shelled out for no reason other than a jealous sibling. Hope that makes sense to you.

Thanks for the response, very interesting replies.

I completely agree with you, Ismo. It is work, and worth some compensation. Although we don't necessarily "work" for a paycheck, (but can) we are not wrong to expect some of their money to contribute to their keeping, so to speak. Not everyone agrees, but that's OK. Each family has to decide what works best for them. And siblings don't always agree, as we read on several threads.

I'd have a hard time accepting money for an expensive deck, too. But money for gas for transportation, groceries, utilities, and the like are not unreasonable requests. Even housekeeping, medical or nursing care, etc., and things a visiting nurse would charge money for, as well as accounting services, laundry, and so on. Most people aren't trying to make their fortune off a parent, and are providing a legitimate service, that would otherwise be paid to someone else. Many children sacrifice their own time, jobs, and family activities to care for another. It should be a personal family decision, between the parties involved.

Don't trip off of your siblings. If they were so concerned then they would be doing it. I care for my Mom because my two brothers are worthless drug addicts, and I definitely charge her and don't feel the least bit guilty. Caregiving is extremely hard work and we deserve to be paid.

I live in my parents' home along with my three children, two of whom are in college and one who is a high school sophomore. I do not pay rent to my parents as I am the one who is responsible for both of my parents. My father had a massive stroke, has been in and out of the hospital and is in a nursing home. My mother has diabetic neuropathy and is very frail. She is at home, but cannot live on her own. She is incapable of the day to day running of the home and can only fix herself a simple meal. I am the person who is contacted by the nursing home in case of emergencies and I am the one who has been dealing with the hospital.

My children also help out around the house. I have posted on the board before regarding my sister and her attitude. I know she is resentful of the fact that I am living in my parents' home. She helps out somewhat, but nowhere near the extent that I do. She never calls me or asks how I or my children are doing, she just calls or emails to say she is coming to take Mom to visit at the home, which is two or three times a month. She will only help out if it directly benefits my parents and makes sure that they know about it.

I guess the point I am trying to make is that I consider the fact that I am not paying rent a form of financial compensation, and I feel I deserve it. I pay for groceries and cook all meals, I pay for household supplies, and also pay for a cleaning lady to come in twice a month as I am working full time.

I in no way consider myself taking advantage of my parents, but deep inside, I think my sister feels that way. It's very hurtful and I am sorry to say that when my parents pass, I see myself having very little to do with my sister.

My Mother-in-law just recently moved in with us. My husband is her only child. She had a mild stroke and we felt it best that she come to live with us. WE did not want her falling, or worse, having another stroke while alone in her apartment. It was a touch decision, but she is now enjoying a more stress free living arrangement.
In turn, she insisted on paying us $1000 per month for 'room and board'. My husband felt this was fair as she was paying over $1400 in rent prior to moving in.
I have no idea what the tax implications are, but I do know that taking her to the doctor, gym, store and a variety of other places, along with purchasing her food and essential toiletries, paying water bills, etc would otherwise be a financial burden if we did not have her funds to help out.
I see nothing wrong with your parents offering you money in exchange for a place to live. Security, comfort, peace of mind and the love you provide to them is priceless.

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that at least one other caretaker is in a similar situation.

My parent came to live in our house almost 2 years ago, requires 24/7 supervision and assitance. Would not be able to live in assisted living.

My historically difficult sibling had POA at the time. The sibling did not want any responsibility but wanted the parent to pay me $60/ month for the care! After several abusive phone calls my mother changed the POA to a third party and my sibling has refused to see the parent or allow the grandchildren to visit.

I am now given a monthly income which my parent can afford. My simplistic understanding is if this is not claimed as income, it is considered a gift and can be subject to the 5 year look back period.

I don't know why things have to be so difficult.

My situation is a little different. I sold my home to my daughter for about half what it was worth, so that I could move in with my dad. We had just put my mother in a nursing home because of Alzheimers, and dad who is 87 was home alone, and needed help. My dad, sister, and myself talked it over, and we all decided that if I move in and take care of all his needs, that I wont have to pay any rent or utilities. I work 40 hours a week at real job, then atleast that many hours per week for my dad. We talked to a lawyer, and he drew up a contract to pay me Five Hundred dollars a month for the work and help I provide him.
Does anybody see anything wrong with this?

I hire someone, part time, three hours a day. $13/hour.
Cleans, cooks, meds. I pay extra hours for shopping, doctor appointments, and any extra time needed. He is in his own home.
You offer 24/7 food, laundry, appointments, living space, and utilities..?!...
Take what your parent offers, she knows the deal, and it is sweet.
Understand that she is mom in the middle, and is trying to please a toxic daughter by hearing her out.
The best advice that I have gotten from this site is to not listen to noise. Put up a sound barrior, and when sister says something productive you'll listen.
Enjoy having Your parent in your home. She sounds like a good person. It's the last of the good stuff, and you are getting it.
That was how I felt about my grandparents. I will always have the memory of the good stuff. Maybe that is what your sibling is most upset about, but does not understand how, when, or why anything works. Socially unskilled? If your parent is 92, then your sister is over sixty at least. She won't be changing. Don't put your energy there. You won't be able to prove anything. She won't be listening.
Good luck.

You are all awesome to take the time to respond to this issue that effects more people than any of us know.

Living in a parent's home and taking care of them - absolutely you should be able to live rent free. I would think a portion of the utilities and food also. Divide those expenses by the number of people who live in the house and your parent should technically pay their small portion. But sometimes it's good not to rock the boat and without a mortgage/rent payment you at least have some appreciation from your parent. It's like working a fulltime part-time job if you have a full time job away from home. Good - you deserve it - and I'm sure you and your kids are keeping the place from going down hill too with needed maintenance.

Each and everyone of you have explained appropriate situations in receiving monitary gifts when giving elderly care to a parent by an adult child. From the one whose mother-in-law moved in paying $1,000 to the one who's brothers are druggies. You have all reminded me that siblings don't always agree (never in my family), to tune them out, enjoy my parent as long as she's around, and to not feel guilty accepting a monitary gift. If the the parent would just take herself "out of the middle" a stop trying to appease or make excuses for the sibling who takes no responsibility but gripes, my life would be much more peaceful.

Thanks all and God Bless. This has been mental life-saver.

If your parent was to go to a nursing home and had to apply for medicaide -your parent would be left with any funds because they would have to spend down most of their savings let alone what you have to go through to do the paperwork-it is a nightmare I was in the mist of doing that when mym husband became critical and then passed away-it is just about impossible to do without a lawyer and can drive you crazy-you should have your siblings just see the application and find all the documents you need to have to do it and then they would get off your case or they could visit a nursing home for a day or two and see what care is actually given to the residents in a timely manner and should be very glad you are doing all of it-it is a 24/7 job-that is why I am traveling to my Moms to give my sister a break-maybe you can tell the siblings you need to get away and they can take over for a week and see if you are worth the money you get which I am sure is modest because you sound like a great person. In most families a mother can raise several children but when it is time for caregiving only one or MAYBE two children will step up to do their share-if they would do the right thing they would give you some money towards the parents care or at least give some of their time for the caregiving.

Austin: You sound like a wonderful sibling to give your sister/brother a break - that is just too kind and sensible. Safe travels and I'm sure when you get home you'll consider a small increase for your sibling (ha).

Again I will say - it is a lot of physical and MENTAL work, praying daily you do the right thing and trying to keep on top of their moods and health issues.

God Bless you for helping!

Great responses, here for a great group!

If your parents can afford it why not pay you? You are charging less for better care than any other option. Often people give up jobs to stay home and care for their parents. I agree this sounds like an inheritance issue for the other sibling. I'm glad it's in writing and notorized. That was very wise.

Carol

Wow! I thought I was the only one with sibling problems regarding mom's money! My husband & I are just finishing raising the roof on our ranch house so Mom has a nice comfortable room & bathroom up there..we didn't have the money to make this addition, and my house was too small before to have Mom move in..but my siblings are all upset...'cause they feel the money that was used for this renovation is money taken away from their "inheritance". Mom has dementia, hallucinations, glaucoma..and cannot live alone any longer, she is 88 and seems to be aging very quickly. 1 brother has disowned her & me...for the money situation as far as using it to "improve my house"..for Mom to live her last years in...he feels I am "gaining" from it....and tells the other brother & my sister the same...now they feel the same way. They are all out of state..and everything as far as Mom's welfare, doctors, etc. goes is up to me & me only.
Any input would be appreciated.

It is unbelievable how selfish siblings can be esp. when the parents are being cared for so well where I live it cost about 25 dollars to get in house aides and often they do not show up would the so and so siblings be willing to be called and told they need to give up their day of work or whatever and get their butt to care for Mom or Dad -I do not think so who ever is a caregiver should give those ungratful people a bill for 25 dollars an hour for the care you give a month and forget going into medicare they take every penny they can when I was told my insurance was considered an asset for me I told them I wanted to take it with me when I die and if God asked me why I had a bag of money I would tell him it is my asset-they social service respond to that one. I could not help my sister before because I was my husbands caregiver and we do have two other siblings if all of us pitched in that would be great it is not likely-I will get off my soap box I am preaching to the choir because everyone here is busting their butt to do the right thing-I got so tired of people saying let me know if I can help- I never did-how dumb was I if you dear people ask you that say yes you can do such or such if it is just picking up something at the store when they go or staying with someone so you can go for a walk or take a nap please do that for me.

Dear lisaalexis27. Oh boy, I can just imagine all the houpla on this one. This is indeed a touchy one.

I don't know where you live, but I live in a major metropolitan area with a population of over $1m for the city and surrounding suburbs. I checked into assisted living (which is less expensive than nursing home care) and the average cost is between $4000 -$7,000 a month. That's $48,000 - $84,000 yearly. Rural areas are approximately $2,500 to $4,500 a month.

I don't know how much you spent on "raising the roof" and adding a living quarters, but I'd imagine it was less than $84,000. Obviously, with your mom paying for the remodel, plus your home's value increasing - of which you will reap the benefits, your mom should not be paying any other expenses to you for quite some time; and then only for special needs items.

Having said that - remind your siblings that this "remodel" money would have been spent ANYWAY and that she will be able to live many years w/you. I assume she is safe, not abused, and well taken care of, which is something an assisted living center or nursing home cannot truly guarantee - at $48,000 a year or $84,000 a year - YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR AFTER YEAR, would amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars. It's a one-time investment using your mom's estate that will probably save much money in the long run. Besides, did any of them step up and offer to take your mom in and care for her?????

Suggestion: If something should happen within the first year to 18 months, and the estate needs to be settled, then it might be wise for your portion to be a "little" less because of the added value to your home. In other words, instead of each kid getting $10,000, may you settle for $8,000. Whatever the numbers suggest.

Hang in there. I understand how this could be perceived, but in the long run it's a win-win for everyone, your mom, siblings, and you having her close to look after her. Running back and forth between two residences is a pain and not good use of time or resources. There - I think I about said it all. Good luck and God Bless you for having a messed up house for a long time during construction.

Hi lsmo...yes you hit it all on the head. Of course my mom will be well taken care of...and no it's not easy going back & forth to her apartment 2 or 3 times a day..and work a full-time job, and have to commute 1 hr each way...and yes it is very difficult living in a 890 sq ft house under construction. I appreciate the understanding and support you have given me.

I TOO WAS GIVING MONEY TO TAKE CARE OF MY FATHER BUT IT SEEMED IT WAS A PROBLEM WITH MY FAMILY...I TOOK CARE OF MY FATHER FOR 5 YRS AND I COULDN'T HOLD A JOB. MY DAD WAS IN EARLY STAGE OF ALS AND HE KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING HE PLACED ME ON HIS BANK ACCOUNT AND TOLD ME TO USE WHAT I NEEDED BUT AT THE END OF AUG OF LAST YR I WAS SERVE TO GO TO COURT FOR USING MY DADS MONEY MY FAMILY TRIED TO PUT CHARGES ON ME AND ACCUSED ME OF ABUSING MY DAD..NOW MY PROBLEM IS HOW DO THEY KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON WHEN THEY DIDN'T EVEN COME AROUND ONLY TO BORROW MONEY THEN WHEN I GET IF FOR THEM, YOU DON;T SEE THEM ANY MORE BUT I WANTED TO WORK SO I COULD USE MY OWN MONEY BUT I COULDN'T IT WAS HARD TRYING TO HOLD A JOB AND TAKE CARE OF MY FAMILY ALONG WITH MY FATHER IT LEFT ME SPEECHLESS WHAT THEY DID...BUT AT THE END I SORTA WON BUT IM ANGRY ABOUT IT THEY COULDN'T SUE ME,BUT ITS THE POINT OF THEM DOIN IT NOW IM GETTING NASTY LETTERS I HAD TO CHANGE MY TELEPHONE NUMBER AND THERE FOR A WHILE I WAS GETTING EMAILS .ITS SUCH A SHAME WHEN YOU GIVE UP YOUR LIFE FOR FREE ACTUALLY AND THEN YOU GET HIT WITH A SUIT I DON'T UNDERSTAND MY FAMILY THEY ALL HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM AND NO ONE WANTED TO DO IT, I EVEN HAVE A SISTER THAT DOES NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN AND I FELT SHE WAS THE BEST PERSON TO DO IT I HAD PLANS TO GO BACK TO DENVER WHERE I WAS, I CAME HOME BECAUSE OF MY PARENTS AND IT BEEN HELL EVER SINCE I DNT REGRET TAKING CARE OF MY FATHER I REGRET DEALING WITH THE TYPE OF GREEDY FAMILY MEMBERS I HAVE

Unfortunately, yours is a typical story, as we have read on these threads. (I hope not too typical.) Greed and envy always divide, and lead to greater evils, as you have found. May we surmise the court ruled in your favor?

It seems you have found the peace that passes understanding. May God work all things together for good. (Not meaning all things are good.) I pray you are vindicated and find many rewards awaiting you in heaven, for God is our judge. Thanks for sharing your story. Take care, and may our loving heavenly father comfort you.

Msdiva, you aren't alone. It's a horrible thing for your siblings to do, but it often comes from guilt. They didn't do the right thing, so they look to see if they can prove you did something wrong, even though you gave up work and most of your life to do the caregiving. I hear this so often I can hardly believe it, but I know it to be true. I'm glad you came out okay and I hope you can get on with a better life. You certainly deserve to.
Carol

don't talk to anyone in your family about money. it's none of their business, draw up a trust, poa, and see a lawyer and get everything in writing.
people are jealous, not just family. everyone, esp. in these hard times. i'm so glad your parents love you and trust you enough to do this!