What do you do when your parent makes a decision and siblings blame it on you?

Oh diamondsis I hear you and God bless you. I am the oldest of four and the other three are in three different states. Not only are they not in touch with our father but I have to beg them to at least call him on his birthday or at Christmas. My husband is at my side and helps me with my dad in the nursing home but it has been a second job taking care of legal, medical, etc, for sure. I was trying to keep them all informed of surgeries or procedures or Doctor appointments, but I got a lot of questions such as 'why did you do that'? My reply was why don't you call and talk to your father? I used to be surprised that they didn't, now I am just disappointed and do the best for my dad.

I agree - the person who is with them the most knows what the situation is. I can't help but wonder WHY they are so concerned all of a sudden, when they usually shrugged it all off. Everyone I know says it is a serious state of denial.

Oh my goodness LivingSouth! You are me! I have lived with Mom for last 5-6 years. I also got POA when I needed to take care of Mom's affairs financially and health wise. I am oldest of 5 & you would think I was out to rip poor Mom off of her very meager funds. I go POA because I too am bullied even as the oldest and the fact that either they don't call or come see Mom more than what they feel to be obligatory or even that! Mom often asks where is everyone? I lie and say they called etc. I think she knows because she is no dummy. I too worried about her being kidnapped but since she has been bedridden most of last couple years and there are many steps out of house, I worried less. I am with her 24/7. I get about 4-5 hours every other week out of house due to kindness of a niece. Bless her. I think you may need to talk to an elder attorney as soon as possible or continue to be bullied till they seize control. This is sad situation to be in and sadly very common. I write this as I sit alone in hospital room with my Mom. Taking care of a parent in old age who has many care needs is enough stress!!! When our siblings are selfish enough to add to our stress is beyond bullying! It tears at every fiber. My insides shake at every moment. I had a choice today of surgery or hospice. I chose surgery for my mom. I am already being told that I should not put her through surgery. Told by those who think they know better than me. I have been with her day and night and yet they know better. They would have put her in a home and never visit. Stop being bullied by those who have made no sacrifice at all. Talk to elder attorney & get some advice. It will bring you the peace and added strength to continue to focus on parent's care.

Brandywine is right. Happened to me. Sister got POA, had mother file a lawsuit against me, then emptied her bank accounts, sold her car and put her in assisted living. Fun times. :(

Be very careful that they don't try to yank the POA away from you. Like they come to visit and take mom for a ride and while they are out there, they get her to sign a new POA.

I'm POA for both financial & personal care [they are different & don't have to be same person] for my mom - I keep my sister off my back by voluntarily doing an overview of her finances every 18 months or so - I copy the executor too so he will have the info to work from & hopefully do a speedy settlement of her estate when/if that ever happens

Mom's affairs were in complete disarray when I took over now after nearly 4 years mom is worth much more than when I started - this with 47 months of nursing home fees etc - I was working up to 20 hours a week at the beginning & know that if I had to physically take care of her too I would have burned out long ago

Fortunately her medical conditions made it impossible for me to do so but I did try for 9 days of hell - in that short time both DH & I already started to exhibit health issues from the stress -

Remember this is care for your loved one but not at loss of your life or health because if you die your loved one will be at mercy of others - it is selfish of you not to take care of yourself & not to go to dr for yourself in this trying time - get some respite every week even if it is just for an hour or so

"testing" to see if I can respond. I have written before but haven't been successful getting into this forum.

Picketing for " BULLIES NO MORE!!!"

hah! i laughed because i'm in charge because i do everything for my parents! yes, you are just lucky you have POA or they would have made your life miserable!!!! and what could you do? ignore them...who cares what they think...if they are abusive DON'T speak to them unless it pertains to your parents and is important!! take care and don't feel guilty!!

Well I already think that they don't care about the family relationship - and parents say the same - so guess they made their bed and will have to lie in it, as my great granny used to say.

As Doreen C stated , I had very similar happen to me . Please develop a thick skin. It is the only way, the one and only way.

U have to realize that YOU are the only name on the POA. It dose not say John Doe and Assoc. or Co. When you are inclusive with family members , after a while they start to have their own opinions of how to handle things, then trouble slowly starts to raise its head. Then u can get into a guardianship court battle. U have to assume full responsibility other wise your immediate family will become public enemy No. 1. U do are given the power by your loved one to take control, its none of their business, but YOU have to keep it that way, do not ask for their help or u stand the chance that criticism and judgement making will start to grow. Its hard to drive backwards once others start trying to take the lead. U then have the headache of having to put them in their place and then to keep them there. I cannot stress this enough . Assume your responsibility, its hard but u must , otherwise resign and let someone else take the position. I failed myself and still paying dearly for it. I want nothing , absolutely nothing to do with my siblings any more . They may feel the same way. Now that my mother has past away, those problems are still present . I dont think I can forgive them for the hell that (I created by letting them in to help). I did not understand the full extent of my responsibility and could not get them to back off. I would try and things would get better for a while , until some new thing would come up, then it would start all over again. Do your best , there are no right or wrongs if you are truly trying to act in your loved ones best interests. Best of luck may u fair thru this better than I .

I agree with GladImHere: You have to develop a thick skin or if you don't want the job - have your parents assign another POA - other than family. I don't know your family dynamics - but I have seen it many times. Once parents get older - everyone gets concerned about the finances.

My sibling accused me of all kinds of things, told the neighbors, a lawyer and people from church things that were not true. Once I moved mom in with me, she called adult protective services.

Document everything, get advice from the right sources. If being POA is too stressful for you, maybe someone else should do it. The stress is not worth it. You also have to be upfront with your siblings. If you are not doing anything wrong, tell them. Let them know you won't tolerate false accusations. If you take it, they will keep dishing it out.

My sister is only interested in her "inheritance" which I have pointed out to her is not an inheritance until someone dies. I am POA (financial and health) I have been caring for my 93 yr old mom for years and finally cut off communications with my sister (in another state). It has always been a struggle. She is a narcissist just like our mother. You put the two together and my blood pressure is out the roof. A few months ago my mother started a ruckus with my sister over things she had taken over the years after our fathers death. When I was informed by my mother what she had done I put a block on my phone to guard against the inevitable nasty phone calls demanding that I do something. She has been stealing from our Mother for years. It's just impossible for her now that mom isn't in the same town as her and living with me. Thanks to the advice on this site I stopped being the "fixer" and make them fix their own messes. The only one I am obligated to take care of is our mother. I have been informed continually that all they want is their "inheritance" and do not want to know if she is sick or dying. Disgusting but happens more than I thought in families. It has been so peaceful without my sister and her family harassing me with their greedy demands. Thank goodness for my POA. Otherwise my mother would be destitute and stripped of her belongings that they feel are valuable. My advice is to stand your ground and shut out the nasty noise. Easier said than done, but solid advice that does help!

I too am living the nightmare with one of my brothers. He is mentally unstable, has been on permanent disability from shoulder surgury that went wrong, Mom wanted to live with me and have me take care of her. Had to sell her house, find a property with seperate "safe" quarters for her, found the perfect spot for way under value (bottom of housing market) and Mom was the final decision maker. She helped with the downpayment and then my brothers freaked out. I told them ths was not my decision but Mom's. I had taken her prior to an independent retirement community and asked if she wanted to have that sort of arrangement. She was adament about living with me. I do have POA and have been given that even before we got the new place. If she had wanted to be near or with either of my brothers, I would have been fine with that too. It was what SHE wanted. Well now that we have had this arrangement for about 3 years now, my one brother comes over maybe twice a year for less than a half hour each time but my mentally unstable brother was coming by often and I soon discovered that everytime he was here, he was getting Mom to take him to lunch on her dime, getting her to write him checks, always some kind of extortion, never just to spend quality time with her. I finally booted him off the property and told him his days of getting her to give him money was over. I explained she is on a fixed income and I am in charge of her finances since she has dementia and cannot. He always manipulated her all of her life and manipulated me as a child. He is not right in the head. I am considering putting a formal restraining order on him because he will not give up trying to guilt me and Mom and he is making an already stressful situation (being the sole caregiver) and making it so much worse. He is only concerned about HIS SHARE, he said as much when I booted him off the property, he said, "You can't have all Mom's money!" Not, "You can't keep me from spending time with Mom." It's all so awful, but he has gotten away with his bad behaviour all his life so he can't handle that I have called him on it and cut him off. He also physically abused me when I was a child and when I finally had the courage to tell Mom, he called me a liar and Mom ignored it because she did not want to face the ugly truth. I have suffered my whole life because of him and he still is making my life hell. I am at the point where I wish I had never agreed to care for Mom because it hardly seems worth it to be back in dysfunction land. I dread what will happen when she finally passes on. :(

Sadly, this is common. When things start getting bad with the parents, the children start wanting to be sure they have some control. I am a former skilled home health nurse in addition to being a current adult caregiver. Fortunately, I've no siblings but I had a couple who were my patients and I became very close to them. We would go to lunch together and were friends. Her son lived in a wealthy neighborhood in Atlanta, but never called and was never interested in their care. I never even spoke with him and I was the case manager! Anyway, her husband died and the stress of his loss was too much. I did warn her about needing a POA and she appointed a niece who lived in another state. The niece called me daily and we were in touch often. Soon, my lady had a stroke and I told the niece it was time for hospice, but I kept visiting her daily. She lost most of her speech, but still managed to tell me she loved me. That did it for me. She was family now. Then the son decides it's time to start looking at her financial records and was stunned to learn that not only did she give him no permission to handle anything, she cut him out of her will. There was a significant amount of money and the niece who truly cared for her got everything. The aide that was out there the day he discovered the Will called me in a panic. Here was a dying woman in bed, who could hardly speak and he was screaming in her face how he hated her and how dare her not give him what was "rightfully" his. I had to go out there but by then he was gone. I called him and he refused to take my calls, so I left him a polite, but to the point message. Money, decision making, whatever, is a gift it's not a right. What a parent has worked for and owns belongs to them and no one else. They get to decide who makes decisions for them (there is usually a reason why a certain one is appointed, or better still, not appointed) and who they will gift their money and belongings to. My own father and baby sister had a 20 year feud with their oldest sister over the my grandmother's money when she died. Only when my father had a heart attack did everyone forgive.

So why am I droning on? Because unfortunately this happens and no matter how reasonable you are, siblings will be jealous. You can make it sound as nice as you can "it's a gift, not a right" but all they hear is "my parents don't care about me and they only care about you" or "I'm not good enough for them".

You will simply have to stand your ground. Even with all my nursing experience, my Aunt badgers me constantly about her care telling me I'm not using enough doctors or she needs more of this and less of that, then she speaks to the doctors and they tell her exactly what I said. Yet it doesn't stop her from going on about it. I just finally had to get over it and listen to her, nod and then change the subject.

If things get really bad, see if you can get some skilled care in there and then ask for a MSW (medical social worker) to come out and you all can have a family meeting with the MSW. That may help as they're highly experienced in this area and will fully know exactly what you are going through. Just be sure to meet with the MSW before the family meeting and express your problems and frustration with them.

I truly wish you luck and wish I had a better answer.

Where do your siblings live & exactly what were they doing in your parent's home that was unacceptable with your parents? That may clarify things a bit so that more people can help you.

If you & your parents are afraid of your sibling's tempers, that is an unsafe & potentially dangerous situation that both you & your parents should not be in. I think the priority here is to let your siblings know that you & your parents will not tolerate any angry & tempered behavior, and if your siblings cannot control themselves, then you will not meet with them or allow them to see your parents.

Have your parents told your siblings what is unacceptable to them, or have they just told you & you relayed that information? I ask this because if you are acting the part of the messenger, that is a problem. Tell your parents that they need to tell your siblings what is unacceptable to them, and that you will not act as the messenger for them. If they will not tell your siblings anything because they are afraid of the tempers, that is a big problem.

As POA, you are not obligated to share any financial information with them at all. If they want to know about finances, they can ask your parents themselves. Your responsibility is to your parents, not your siblings. Since you live with your parents & I assume act as the caregiver to them, what your siblings are saying means nothing. If you have done nothing wrong, then you can live peacefully knowing that. Constantly trying to defend yourself is extremely stressful. Let your siblings know that you will not tolerate their accusations. You could go a step further & let them know that if they continue to disseminate false information about you & how you manage your parents money, you will retain an attorney & file a lawsuit against them for libel & slander. I bet that will shut them up.

Just remember---pacifying your siblings is not your responsibility nor is it a priority. They can think whatever they want----you know the truth & if they don't believe it, that's their problem. I am not sure what you mean when you say that you have to "go around and take the POA to everyone and try and explain the situation". Who is "everyone" and what "situation" are you trying to "explain"? You don't have to show the POA to anybody---it's no one else's business but your parent's & yours. Don't let them make you feel guilty if what you're doing is on the up & up----the burden of proof is on them to show that you are misappropriating your parent's assets, not yours.

I took care of things for a long time by myself - can do so again. Having to go around and take the POA to everyone and try and explain situation. Have talked to people in elder care and gotten lists of people to help, so I am hopeful. Family meeting is out because they just claim that I lie about everything. Have been extremely honest about the finances, since I have had to step in years ago and pay bills. Have complete support of all the doctors as well. We saw an example of the bad temper just the other day and I was scared, but managed to keep my cool. General opinion seems to be that they want to get assets and they may think there are is more money than actually is.
We do have people who have been making notes of all that has went on, so that will be helpful also. Just wish I had siblings like some of my other relatives had, since they had no problems at all about the parents.

I, too, went thru this. Mom passed away in May, 2016 and I am trustee. Siblings have sent texts wanting to know when they will get "their money". I told them when it is time they will be notified thru the attorney. I'm learning to let it all go and move forward. I know in my heart what I have done for my mother. The others never even attended her funeral! Let it go and do what you have to do!

So sorry for what you are going through, though this kind of behavior is not uncommon in families.

I like the idea of the letter spelling out what you DO for mom, and letting the sibs know that no amount of money can pay you back for what you have given and given up. And prepare for the fallout.

My sibs are 2 "in" for caregiving & service, the other 3 are lip service and an occasional visit only. Luckily we get along and the troublemaker sibling has passed away, so I expect little to no drama when mother passes.

Usually the "off board" siblings don't have the faintest clue as to the day to day of caring for someone as advanced in need as your mother. Let them spell you for a day and they'll fall on their knees in gratitude. I am involved with my mother's care as much as my brother will allow me. It's his PT job, and he does it well, so far. I only see a problem if mother needs FT care and has to move--but not looking for trouble.

Parents have the right to not include certain family members in their wills,. for whatever reason, or for NO reason. They don't OWE us a thing. However, when you have cared for a sick or aging parent, you do feel a certain measure of belief that you will be "made whole". My brother can't work a 2nd job, which he always did until the folks moved in--so 17 years of one income has been hard on their family. Our plan as a sibs is to make sure he is "made whole" first and then maybe inherit something ourselves. In our case, there's really no money, so I expect it will be easy. In families where there is a lot of "stuff'---it can be difficult. Good luck with your family, they sound pretty normal to me.

My mom died about two months ago. She left a will, which included her bank account and all her belongings, but the bulk of what she had was turned over to a trust with me as trustee about 5 years ago. My mom lived with me for the last 5 years of her life (except for about 6 months) and she was happy, gained weight, was as healthy as someone with advanced dementia could be expected to be until she died in her sleep two months ago. My sister visited about every 6 months for about 1/2 hour. She called every other month or so. Now that my mom is gone she wants to know "how the money was spent" and she wants me to turn over all the trust records and financials to her so she can investigate. Good golly. I was paying someone to stay with mom 12 hours a day, plus the cost of all her ensure, depends, lift chair.... all that stuff. Does she think that was free?
She is entitled to know what was there when my mom died, but as to how the money was spent when she was alive? She could have asked when she was alive and I would have been a lot more forthcoming. Now it is just a witch hunt and I refuse to participate. She is looking for something, anything to justify all the ugly things she has said about me (including having my mother sue me over the trust!).
She is refusing to sign anything that will settle the estate-- right now, the cost to probate mothers will is $250 more than what was in her bank account, just because sister refuses to sign anything.
I feel for you.
Even after your parent dies and you think it is over. It may have just begun.

My mom had similar problems when living with and caring for my grandma for the last few years of her life. She had POA but her sisters were constantly questioning if grandma was really I'll enough to need mom there and questioning finances and such. Grandma had dementia and would through away cash all the time(literally) she also didn't trust her other children and specifically asked my mom not to tell them all of her health issues. My mom was stuck between respecting grams wishes and privacy and pears her sisters that would stop by for an hour a week to visit. It was very hard on my mom and after grandma died they all stopped talking to her. Now my mom says she wishes she had just told them the things gram asked her not to, maybe that would have made a difference? Be as open as you can and maybe it will work out.

Then if you feel bullied, write each of the same letter, spell out your concerns, and tell them you will no longer be bullied, your parents trusted you with their lives, and any communication will be stopped until they stop harassing you. As POA, you have the authority to stop all communication with them. Sounds like a good time to start, and you stop whining about it. You have to mature sometime. Now is the time! (I had the same siblings).

One of the difficult things with a POA is that the parents still have the right to privacy. I was keeping my step-cousins informed and we were all working together nicely until on had a blowup and confronted his dad. His dad told me to not tell them anything. Hard, because they are taking care of him, and my aunt, and there are certain things that need to be shared. You could tell your siblings that the POA does not authorize you to give up your mother's privacy rights and you could get in trouble for sharing her private financial (and medical) information. If you dare, you could say that it's too bad they aren't as interested in your mom's health and well being as they are in her finances, but if that is a dangerous thing to do, don't say it. The bigger question is, have you made end of life arrangements (funeral expenses, best with an irrevocable insurance policy), and does she have a will, because the POA ends when she dies and instead of quiet funeral where you can grieve and pay your last respects, you don't want to end up with a big battle over every little thing with accusations flying.

If you are already the caregiver you MUST have POA. The job is hard enough. However if the situation is there is no caregiver yet, it is best a non-relative trusted person be made POA. It will help prevent families from ending up in a war.

If you are taking care of things, what is their problem? Be prepared to be dragged through the mud, they most likely want control of your parents finances. I don't understand this type of behavior, my brother was POA and we never had any problems. I f your parents trust you enough to have given you POA, then there is nothing they can do. Good luck.

Sibling issues are pretty common. I think what you need to ask yourself is if you are okay doing this alone, or might you want the help of your siblings? I was the only local adult, and shared the POA rights with my sister who was 4 hours away by plane. We set up family conference calls to discuss issues and share, as well as put in rules about how we engaged with each other. We included our two brothers. When the big stuff went down, they were incredibly helpful and facing this journey together made us better siblings. We had our share of disagreements.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Know this is extremely common and that this community loves and supports you . There is typically one care taker in the family. I was told by a nurse friend ( she had been a nurse for 35 years) that if I accepted being POA to be prepared to have siblings cut me off, blame me and trash my character. She said she saw it happen over and over. This has been my experience. Other people will step up and support you. You will be shown who truely loves you. I am praying for you and sending you hugs!

I suspect this kind of behavior is pretty typical. Although I have not gotten it directly the "questions" and suspicions have begun and become more evident. I tried bein inclusive but nobody was interesyed, u tl recently. I just made aure things were legally set after doing my best to be inclusive. Everything else at this point is irrelevant.

LivingSouth's sibling has been calling local businesses and telling the owners that she (LS) is preventing her parents from doing business with them, according to another post.