Has your parent lost his manners?

To echo Shakingdustoff, the filter that tells us to eat like a human being disappears with dementia. It's just another personality change. On the other hand, my MIL always chewed her food with mouth open, talked while chewing so it's not that big of a deal. The difference now is that she uses her hands to pick food from plate and uses same hand to grab a dinner roll, piece of bread. She resides in NH now but we take her out for dinner once in a while. I have to say, I eat a lot less carbs at these meals with her!

This thread has made my day. Again I identify. My mother 90 soon to be 91 was the manners Nazi prior to Dementia. No wiggle room at all even for toddlers to learn. Now she is eating with her hands, shoveling in off the plate, etc. depending on what Dementia personality is present. She has 5 very distinct personalities. When she is in Nazi mode she has the "best" manners, so if we see this one we offer to go out :-)

Hi ... RatherBeFishing............SO WOULD I!!! let's go....

RatherBeFishing - excellent user name! With any luck and if the mosquitos don't carry me away, I will be doing just that soon!

Shame on all of you!! Your parents would not be acting in childish ways if they did not have Altzheimers. They can't help their behaviour. You should be thankful you still have your parents to love and care for.

Oh give us a break, Rosie - you think we *aren't* thankful for our parents still being here? Of course we are. But every caregiver needs to blow off steam now and then, and that's what this site is for. Take your judgemental self elsewhere if you can't deal with the harsh world of caregiving and the resultant venting that occurs from time to time. The loss of manners by a parent is extremely jarring to a new caregiver when they first encounter it. There's nothing wrong with venting about it or asking for advice.

A "rose" by any other name......think about it folks.....

An embarrassing thing is that I went out to eat with a friend and realized that I had adopted the manners of a pig. I couldn't keep my elbows off the table. I was talking with my fork in hand. Now, I have never been Emily Post. but I haven't been this bad. I'm not getting out with good company enough.

Heavens ! Is it bad manners to talk with your fork in your hand? I've never heard of that one before. I think my whole family must have bad manners, if that's the case. We all, always do that. Heck, I don't really mind the elbows all that much either. I must have lowered my expectations too. I'm happy as long as I don't have to see or hear the food, as it's being chewed.

I should have explained better about fork in hand. On the end of the fork is a stabbed piece of chicken and I am bobbling it around as I'm talking. Almost like a dead chicken prop. :)

This thread made my day! My mother also sits sideways, slurps up everything, eats with her hands and chews with her mouth open. Ugh, the noises. I have a 16 yr old and an 11 yr old. who were disgusted by it all. When it first started, I would tell my kids to stop chewing with their mouths open, hoping my mother would realize that she was doing this, but she would just look and them and smile to continue on slopping the food. When this didn't work I agreed to let my children eat in the living room or at alternate times so they wouldn't have to deal with it. My husband usually wasn't home for dinner. When he was home for dinner, he would give my children a hard time about not eating at the table. "She's your grandmother, be nice." Basically he was saying deal with it. When he got sick and stopped working, I would sit him down with my mother and I to eat. That lasted one day. He said he wasn't eating when she ate anymore. I said now you understand. :-)

I'm so glad others are going through this too. My mother was raised in a different culture where people all gathered around and eat stew type food from the middle of the table with their own pieces of bread. Everyone would scoop out of the same dish. I thought maybe she was just reverting to this. Who knows, but comforting to know others have the same dinner music.

Hey Jessie.. Are you sure it was dead ;-))

Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, lighten up.....most everyone here is dealing with a lot of stress and the pain of seeing their parent(s) suffering from some sort of debilitating disease. This forum is for us to vent, ask for help, plead temporary insanity or simply share what we are going through. Yes, it is very difficult for us to see our parents in these situations, but we are coping the best that we can. This is one of the places we can come for comfort and understanding. We love our parents, but sometimes we are shocked at what is happening to them. The once quiet loving parent has become someone we don't recognize and sadly they don't recognize us either but not in the same way.... Don't for one moment think that YOUR parents didn't at some point share YOUR particular peculiarities with their friends, if not to laugh about, cry about or ask for advice about.....so I say SHAME ON YOU for slamming us.....many of whom have been at this life changing process for many years not only with our own parents but with in-laws as well.

I do believe Rosie is one of those "trolls"?

Anywho.... yeah, bad manners tend to rub off. I found myself waving a piece of corn the other day to reiterate my point. I might have even pointed it at someone... not sayin ;)

Well it seems its not just rosie someone called learning peace thinks we are all awful people too! These a**holes really get my goat if we didnt love our parents we wouldnt be caring for them. Really hate these "holier than thou" hyprocrites. Get off the site if we are such terrible people? I wonder if they are even caring for thier parents at all and just come on here to preach?

My goodness. Although your comments feel very angry, I do not think you are "awful people". However, your comments do make me thankful I never had children. I'll never have any one "caretaking" me when I'm old who may wind up as unhappy as some of you. Do you not see your comments as being more unmannerly? You don't even have the excuse of having dementia. Maybe your parents were "terrible parents" and never taught you how to be kind, graceful or compassionate in the face of great difficulty? If so, I'm sorry. And yes, I will look elsewhere for constructive threads for those of us who are caretaking parents or spouses in their decline. Good idea. Thank you.

Hope you all will find a way through these difficult days of caretaking your old folks. And, if you have kids, I hope you can help them know, early on, how YOU want to be treated and talked about when you're old.

learningpeace, some of the threads that we have here are more raw than other threads. Many of the people here care for people who have dementia, which is very trying. The typical day is suppressing all feelings of despair and depression, going about doing what needs to be done. It helps to talk about feelings here and to perhaps share a laugh. Some people are more angry with their parents than others, and it is totally okay to vent on this group. Many of the parents here could have starred in Mommie Dearest. I am amazed that they had children who are still willing to care for them. I have the deepest respect, and if they want to get on and talk, it is okay with me. And if we can leave the group after laughing a bit, that is even better.

There are many good threads here about care and many people who had excellent parents. I hope you will find the threads that answer your own needs and the people who you would like to follow. The group is a diverse one. Threads about manners, pooping, and venting are ones you might want to avoid. They tend to be a bit more raw about feelings, so you may find them distasteful and not useful to you.

Thanks everyone. Good advice and many situations worse than mine. I will really try harder to be nice and learn to let the little things go. Guess I am really venting also about my sister who is Too Busy to come visit dad or help me for a week so I can pack my house and move in permanently to care for dad. Thanks for listening.

The other issue at play here are the huge number of dysfunctional families (read the dysfunctional family thread for more info on that). Many of us grew up in abusive homes and are now caring for the very ones who perpetrated the abuse on us - sometimes it's by our own choice, sometimes it's because no one else will do it and we're pretty much forced to, because we grew up to be responsible, caring adults, despite our parents' best efforts to derail us through the years.

So before you go saying things like "Maybe your parents were "terrible parents" and never taught you how to be kind, graceful or compassionate in the face of great difficulty?", you might want to stop and think. Many of us *did* have "terrible parents" - in ways you probably can't even begin to imagine.

And yes...I know...I'm feeding the troll.

No one's comments here are "unmannerly." This was a Question thread began for the purpose of getting feedback about elderly habits and giving long-suffering caregivers a chance to "sound off" about things that are common difficulties. And my father doesn't have dementia and yet he doesn't bathe, practice good hygiene in the least, and has really ugly table manners. And if I mention these nasty habits of his on this thread, where its relevant, I am not being the least bit unmannerly.

For those here that do have to live a life of constant, everyday indignity because of what older loved ones behave like... for all the myriad of reasons they do what they do... one of the most common reasons, I think, being that they don't care anymore about themselves, or their constant caregiver... unfortunately... anyway, its a bad situation all around. Few of our elderly get to live a dignified existence towards the end of life. And I get it that its hard on us caregivers that have a front row seat everyday to that debased existence. Sometimes venting is all we can do...

Learningpeace, if we were not kind and compassionate, we wouldn't be caregiving. And "graceful" doesn't usually enter into the picture, unfortunately.

I was told by a best friend, years ago, Do NOT watch the movie, Mommie Dearest... because it was too (too) much like my mother... who I am the only child that is now caring for her. I do understand the need for a safe place... to vent... or a listening ear... I apologize for not writing only supportive words in my post. I should say that for me, angry words sound and feel as awful as all the years I was too young to know how to deal with my mother's cruelty and anger. Thank you for the gentle and helpful post JessieBelle... and so very true, what you wrote, SusanA43... This was my very first attempt at reading any kind of support group for caretakers... I shouldn't stay isolated, like I have been... and maybe try to find a support group that works for me. I should know better, I shouldn't react from my old wounds and criticize other because they're different from me... that's what my mother did - to me. May you all find your own best ways to be strong and happy.

Welcome to the group, learningpeace. :)

There's a lot of goodness in here, on these forums. Some of the Discussion threads have tens of thousands of ongoing posts from caregivers, just trying to be mutually supportive and allow space for others to vent about each of our unique situations. Many caregivers completely lose our own lives in the process of giving to our loved one's needs, and it can be a thankless, never-ending job... its understandable that there will be much frustration and, at times, resentment.

There's been some criticisms handed out on AC lately by other (newer) posters. I had a bit of knee-jerk defensive reaction to your post, learningpeace. If you let others on here know what some of your personal concerns are about caregiving at this time, I think you would get some great advice on where to find threads that would be beneficial to you.

yes, I have the same problem with my mom, she spits out what she has left in her mouth and throws food against the walls or put it in a napkin and put it under her bed. I have to check under her bed and her room all the time. I just do reminders on table etiquette. She gets angry when ask why she throws food under the table or in a corner, she denies doing it. in fact she denies everything, then swears to God she didn't do it. Even when I am looking at her. I have a dog and she is very sensitive to human foods and I feel like a private detective monitoring what is going on at the table. I give a napkin at every meal and she takes the napkin and covers up her food and goes back and forth going up under the napkin eating. I try to do the dishes when she is eating to avoid confrontations. Thank God for this venting thread.

kazzaa: ;D

Learning peace what you said on your HUG? to rosie was down right horrible how dare you come on here and judge us. I had an awful childhood but can see how both parents had their issues and its taken me a very long time to get over the effect they have had on me and my siblings BUT never would i come on here be so d*mn insulting and righteous then blame your mother for your rudeness? Im sorry but people like you we dont need on this site please find another one where everything said "stinks of roses". My BP goes up when i encounter people like you and yet i dont see any apologies for your hateful comments about everyone on this site and then you have the nerve to talk about compassion????? i have my faults like everyone else in life but a hypocrite i am not!

She apologized a few messages back, kazzaa. I think she is okay and going through the same thing many of us are. I think we're just all a little dusty at the moment. I have a feeling anything she wrote was because she and Rose had been called a troll.

I got a great idea. Let's not read each others' walls.

Sorry JB but im not as soft as you and dont think anyone has the right to come on here and tell us how "awful" we are? as for her going through the same thing as us well obviously she isnt? if we cant come on here and feel comfortable about how hard a time we are having then whats the point. No matter how hard things are for us its not an excuse to tell us we need more compassion blah blah blah. If our comments and threads are so "ugly" then go somewhere else. Dementia is an awful degrading disease its not "thier fault" but its an incredibly hard job for anyone to do and see our parents lose themselves slowly and horribly then to come on here and be told how awful we are as we dont have compassion OH PLEASE!

My mum is sitting here "eating her earwax". Lovely! OH MY what am i saying i must show more compassion how awful of me to post this. I feel sick but hey must just bottle it up be more compassionate pretend its not happening. Oh yes god would never give us a challenge we couldnt handle?? havnt heard that one in awhile?

My mother who is 89 with stroke related dementia doesn't have horrible table manners but lost all her sence of wanting to maintain her daily cleaning. She hates to brush her teeth( she has her teeth still) . She also hates to wash her hands. It's crazy to see this because before the stroke she would brush her teeth at least 3 times a day and was absolutely meticulous about the way she looked . It has improved a bit and she will do it but it takes alot of coxing and talking her through it.

Sorry Kazza and everyone. I blew it. But I did "vent" what I felt... (?) Maybe we can only vent when it's about dementia people who can't read these posts? Nevertheless, I apologize about my comments to Rosie, I didn't realize a "hug" message was public. I was feeling bad that she seemed to be getting ganged up on.

Okay, I'll try not to read this thread any more. I take responsibility for venting about how I felt that night and I am genuinely very sorry.