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My mom is in yet another facility within the last 6 months after having a auto moblie accident and having to do rehab, plus she has parkinson disease which is getting worse. NO place that she has been in has made her happy and probably no place will. How can I make this place work, its not great but yet I can't afford anything else, Looking at 5,000 a month wheich I dont know how this is going to work. She is driving me crazy and the staff and well I think that is why she had been in so many places. She cant go home (which house iis paid for ) or I have APS on me and well she cant take care if her self. I live in another state and I call her daily and try a weekly visit, but I cant do this. Frustrated

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Sometimes there is the hope that a medication can be found that will take some of the endless complaining off the caregiver's shoulders. There is no such drug. The anger comes from the endless losses the elderly endure. Sometimes they are happy with their friends, away from the demands of raising children or financing those children who needed to come back to the nest in their mid-thirties and forties. These children become caregivers and have a lot of unresolved guilt. So they put up with endless crapping on from their never-going-to-be-happy parents. These parents may not be able to be visited by their friends because their friends may be dead. Nothing will ever be right again. Old age is not for sissies. But there is a fine line between caring attentively to aging parents who genuinely need our help and being abused by those same people because we seek solutions when there are none. At a certain point in time, get a babysitter, go to a movie and get away from the carping. My 98 year old MIL got so clingy she would ask me where her son was when he went down to the cellar for 5 minutes to put in a load of laundry. And here is the greatest reminder of all--the clock IS TICKING. YOU are NEXT! Don't spend your one and only life wiping the ca-ca off you relatives arises until YOU are no longer able to do anything for yourself. Do something NOW for yourself to make this endless trek through hell bearable for at least a few minutes a day. It never got any better. She's dead and I'm glad.
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My mother has had Parkinsons for over 15 years, had numerous strokes and has dementia. She's unhappy but she's never been happy with anything, ever, her whole life. You are not responsible for anyone's happiness.
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missmel, I suspect that it isn't where she is that is causing unhappiness. She may be unhappy because changes in residence don't magically restore her life to how it once was. Our elders suffer so much loss, and there is always hope that some change will bring life back to how it was. Of course, that doesn't work. If you have chosen the best place possible for your mother, let her stay there and give her time to adjust. Some people take many months to adjust. Changing residence just starts the procedure over again.

Does your mother have anyone there in town who visits? Does she have any friends? Tell us a little more about her situation and someone may have some suggestions. Your mother is ultimately responsible for her happiness. You can make her interact with people or enjoy life. You can just provide the opportunity for her by choosing the best place possible. Big hugs to you.
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Please, please, if there were are powers in this universe, please save me from ever being cared for by anyone who thinks old people are just like children. OMG!!
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Pardon me while I referee. Eyerish is a caregiver, in the trenches. Sarah is far away. Distant family often hears "I'm fine" from parents. Close family or caregivers get an entirely different conversation from Mom & Dad. So assuming they had the same parents the phone conversation follows.
"Hi, Irish, how are you?"
"I'm hanging in there...barely"
"What?"
" Mom and Dad are killing me"
" I just talked to them. They said everything is fine !"
" What? are you kidding me? Mom set the kitchen on fire!"
" She said it was just a little burned eggs"
"Dad drove through the garage door!"
" He said he scratched the car. Why are you so bitchy? Are they OK?"
"They are just peachy. I have to deal with the insurance!"
"Well they have good coverage, don't they?"
"That's not the point. I'd like to choke you"
"Choke me for what? What is your problem?"
"My problem! You have no idea! They are losing it!"
"Are you drinking again?"
"Oh yeah. all the time. You're an idiot."
And it goes on, neither can see what the other one sees, not ever.

Like five blind men with an elephant,
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Eyerishlass, pure crap indeed!
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Eyerishlass, pure crap, indeed!
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Well said, eye!!
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Good lord, "our loved ones are like children they took care of us can't we do the same?" argument.

missmel, your mom is not liable to be happy anywhere she is. I don't know what kind of person she is but I have patients in facilities (skilled care) and none of them are happy there and they do drive the staff crazy. It's not just your mom.

And as for the "they cared for us, we should care for them" baloney, when "they cared for us" they WANTED to care for us. They WANTED to have a little baby and to make a family. They didn't get a full-grown adult who is elderly and angry and scared and who is out of their mind with dementia or Alzheimer's. As children we didn't know right from wrong, we had to be taught with life lessons and decent parenting. Our elderly parents have fully-formed personalities and many have lived on their own their entire adult lives and don't take to having to be cared for by us too kindly. Thus the argument that "they cared for us, we should care for them" is pure crap.
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Sometimes a love one doesn't want your help. They can suck you dry by always complaining. Don't judge the caretaker if they need a rest or have to pull away from all the stress of trying to care for someone who always complains and is ungrateful. Each situation is unique. Get some help from a social worker.( pstegman comment above is good) Being a care taker from a distance is very hard. Dealing with Parkinson disease is also a challenge. Ask for help in understanding the stages and what happens to a person going through this awful disease. There is support out there just ask the medical dr. for info about the Parkinson Association. Blessings
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She just needs love and care give her that she will be fine.My dad is 94 and he has never been happy with any of mine or my mum's services ,he cant walk even to bathroom, he has irritable bowel syndrome ,cant hear much cant eat by himself .Yet my mum does it all for him all the time I did the same when I wasn't married but now I am far away but if ever he needs me I am sure I will be next to him rather than leaving him with strangers .I forgot to mention he's my step dad,but what ever he has done for me since childhood made him worthy of all the care.Old people are like children and when our parents took care of us when we were little cant we do the same?They aren't gonna live forever and when they will be gone we will miss them.
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Three questions. Why are you paying for her care? If you are in another state, why do you think aps is going to haul YOU in if she's not cared for? Why hasn't someone written to dmv to say that she's sn unsafe driver? I'm not asking idly, I want to know if there is something else going on here that I'm not getting. Adults are responsible for their own bills, their own happiness and their own safety until they are deemed not responsible by means of poa or incompetency hesring. In which case, an adult child or outside authority takes over. At least I think that's how it works. If you already have poa, sell the house, fund her care, call twice a week visit twice a month and let the staff know where you can be reached in a true emergency. Have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist and make sure that they get the full picture of her curremt status from you and the staff. Draw some boundaries.
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First, get her some anti-depressants that work with the Parkinson's meds. Hopefully you are working with social services in her state, they can help determine her level of competence. If you have POA, look into funding her care with the help of a consultant. See the "Money and Legal" tab above.
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My mother, an A+1 narcissist life long has never been happy with anything, ever. Some people will never be happy and their happiness is not your responsibility. My mother is in an awesome nursing home (Parkinsons, stroke & dementia) and cannot sit up or stand, let alone walk, yet she is determined she's going to buy another big house and have live in staff to care for her around the clock. She thinks she won't have to pay staff as they'll live there rent free and have the honour of being her slaves. Of course it's impossible, never going to happen and pure fantasy, but even if it were possible she wouldn't be happy with it.
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