Long post, would appreciate any help/comments. This forum helps me so much in regards to my father's care.
My mother is in rehab. She fully expects and wants to go home now. Currently she is bed bound. Can get up on side of bed, feed herself, but she is unable to toilet. She can not walk and will not work much with PT to get into a wheelchair. She is afraid they will hurt her or she will fall. Also embarrassed about incontinence issues.
I can't reason with her as it devolves into a argument and she brings up the past. I have lived with her for awhile. She was fully independent in the house to a point. I helped with some things. She does not have any trouble with her memory.
I don't know really what to do. She says she is old and wants to go home. If she can't take care of herself she will go to assisted living. Well, they won't have her if she can't transfer.
I fully know she will not go to AL. I'm honestly worried about her coming back home. We're both still recovering from my father who passed away earlier in the year. She doesn't seem to notice how tired I am but others see it. Has told me I could continue working... how if I have to take care of her. She is verbally abusive to me even more so since my father died.
From what I've read there is really nothing I can do to keep her from going home since she does have capacity. I've told her I would leave the house but I do not think she believes me. Of course I would not let her go without food or medicine. I just can't do the physical part but afraid I will be forced into it.
What does a person do in a position like this? Just let it play out. My guilt, I'm afraid, will get the better of me and I'll just end up trying to take care of her.
The facts are: your mother is verbally abusive to you, which means she doesn't appreciate you.. She has told you to go back to work. You have told her you will leave the house. So, follow through. Remove yourself from her abuse. If the house is hers, she is entitled to work within the system to aim to get back to it. That does NOT mean you have to enable her in what is clearly a foolish thing to do.
It will actually be healthier for her if you are no longer living in her house, because she will not be able to tell the rehab staff that you will take care of her, and they will have to come up with a SAFE solution for her. And you will be healthier because you won't be doing the physical work, nor listening to her abuse.
You said you are "afraid I will be forced into it." You are an adult and no one can force you into anything. Just say no. Regarding the house, it will probably need to be sold anyhow to pay for your mother's care, if not soon then eventually, so you'd have to look for your own place anyhow. Do that now, and spend your time in the peaceful environment you deserve.
Honestly, your mother being in rehab is the best situation that can happen if you cannot hire caregivers for her and her demands and care are beyond your capability. You do not want to be coerced into providing 100% care.
Are you POA? If not think if your really want to be (by your post it will be very hard to be the POA for her). Do discuss with your mother that you can hire an attorney (at her expense) to assist her with options available. If she is competent, she is responsible for setting up a medical meeting with the rehab staff to discuss discharge goals and she will be responsible for all her discharge plans if she is to leave. You should not indulge her wishes as they will become a burden to you.
Are you financially able to move into your own apartment? If so, move soon to distance yourself from the inflated amount of work your mother expects from you.
You will need to think about yourself first and foremost. Seek a therapist to help you gain tools to say no, set boundaries and follow through with your decisions. You can not change the actions of others, but you can change your actions and reactions to them. Good luck.
It is time for honesty. FROM you TO her, and with the good support of the rehab team of social workers and discharge planners.
It is time to prepare to LEAVE YOUR PARENT'S home if you are expected to be now the full time, full care 24/7 caregivers for someone who clearly needs to have several shifts of workers with several workers on each shift.
THIS IS NOT SUSTAINABLE.
DO NOT ATTEMPT it.
If she DOES return home, and it isn't working, call first APS and secondly an ambulance to return mom to hospitalization and placement.
It is time to tell truth and take action.
They may try to guilt or talk you into it. Stay firm. Use the phrase “unsafe discharge”. As in she would not be safe at all in your home. Say NO until you’re blue in the face. It is non-negotiable.
I love my mother and I help her a lot, but there is no way I would consider caring for her myself if she were incontinent and unable to get from the bed to a wheelchair or clean herself. Nope. Not happening, even for a single day! And I really do NOT want my adult child to ever consider doing it for me either.
Is there someone at the rehab place who can help explain what her choices are? Only people who can do the basic ADLs can consider discharge to a home.
I am sending you strength. It’s going to be hard either way. But one way, you can save yourself.
Both her doctor, and yours, are very aware of these situations, and have advice that can be very important for you and your mother.
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