Parent feeling lonely. Suggestions?

Yes, absolutely! Her real friends will follow up your suggestions.

Perhaps you could tell just one or two of her closest friends the ones she would be most pleased to hear from / see. If they could phone her every couple of weeks it would be a start, they need not mention any thing about memory problems, if they are close enough she will be quick enough to tell them herself. Get them to blame Covid and having been remiss about keeping in touch with people so that she doesn't know you called them, and see how it goes from there. A couple of people in touch may be enough, or it may encourage her to be in contact with more, and to worry less about her memory. You will need to get these friends to be in cahoots with you over what they say to start with so that they seem to have just called to say hello. Start slowly and see how mum gets on, and pick the right people, it is asking for people to help, but if they are good friends I am sure they will want to, without giving away mum's condition. Good luck it is a bit tricky to manage the two opposing needs from mum but with the care you show I am sure you'll be able to work something out.

Cappuccino42: Imho, you could connect with your mother's friends and state something akin to "Mom misses you/she would love to hear from you." Leave it at that because it's going to be obvious to these friends who hopefully connect with your mother that something is amiss.

Agreeing with many of the previous comments/ideas; also, of mom is not yet accepting a decline, it's not 'giving in' to an illness so much as facing it with courage, which is natural to some folks but others have to grow into it, and some never do. I think it would be fine to let your mom's friends know she wants to hear from her old friends but is not able to reach out so easily herself; the ones that contact her will 'catch on' and maybe continue, or not, but then you know which of her old circle will be her pals. It's hard to see a friend in trouble, and then fear it will be You next, but some folks will rally because of knowing it can happen to anyone and will to one extent or another.

This is probably along the lines of other suggestions, but there is no need to use the word ‘dementia’. It is perfectly normal to have ‘memory problems’ as we get older (eg where did I put those spare keys?), and you can leave it up to the friend to work out how difficult things are. I’d call a friend and say something like ‘Mum is having memory problems, and she’s really embarrassed about it. She’d love to hear from you, but I can’t get her to phone. If you could manage sometime to give her a call about old times, it would be really kind if you could just skate over anything she seems to have forgotten’.

If the first one goes well, you can try for more callers. Worth a go?

By all means YES, and some will and some won't as time progresses. My mother's phone conversations with friends and family were a Godsend, and many conversations were repeated ad nauseam - but these select few called nonetheless. Another suggestion if she can afford it, hire a companion to take her out shopping, help with laundry, or just spend an hour or two having tea and talking about the good ole days. Keeping her social contacts will help with her loneliness, keep her mind more active, and slow the dementia a bit also.

Yes, you should tell her friends. Be prepared though…they will probably dwindle away. That’s what I’ve found with my husbands friends.

His best friend, I was very disappointed at when I realized he hasn’t been in touch, but then I found out something…his best friends wife was recently diagnosed with dementia. So, yes, they may dwindle away, but that’s mostly because life needs to be handled, not because they weren’t true friends.

Do what little things you can, like FB and such to keep her engaged. You are already her line between herself and the outside world, and she may not be able to say it, but she is very grateful for you.

Could you invite a few of her friends over for lunch or a chat over tea and treats? You would need to be there to help the conversation. You could discretely mention that Mom loves to chat, but would be easier if they called her.
Or is it possible to "teach" Mom to call some friends. Could a user friendly cell phone be preprogrammed for her?
Best wishes!

I would definitely let all her friends know that mom is lonely and stop at that, not necessary to go on to details.
Let them know you would appreciate it if the friends could call her and even drop by for a visit..

You can let them know mom isn't great with Facebook that you help her with that.

But mom would love calls and visits.

See if one of her friends can come to visit once a week. If she has 4 friends, have them schedule one time weekly visits every month and mom will end up with a visit every week.

Arange for a monthly get to get her for a couple hrs. Movie Night with Pizza or a Craft Night, ect.
If you don't have time for that, hire a Sitter to come in for 4 hrs to play Hostess.

See if there is a free day care that mom can go to to make new friends.

Check with a local Church regarding Senior Activities and check with Local Senior places that may have a Bingo Night.

She has dementia and people know and sense it and quite frankly, most want no part of it or simply don't know how to deal with it and off they go - and I don't blame them. I personally would give it one good shot. Call her friends and explain the dementia, the loneliness and what a call would mean. You might get one or two to call occasionally but don't count on it. It is what happens when people develop problems - been there, done that. So, while I can't walk, and live in assisted living surrounded by dementia people, i am very high functioning and very lonely so I made up my mind to take on the task of living my life to the fullest every day - BY MYSELF - and I do great at it. I don't know what else to tell you.

Having her friends call her is a wonderful idea. That idea has a better chance to succeed if you give them some tips on what works for your mom. My mom has better memories of the past and enjoys listening to someone talk about what they are doing. So her friends know it is not going to be a typical conversation, I let them know what I do. I call mom and ask her how she is doing. I look at facebook and tell her what her friends are doing. We FaceTime so it is nice to show her the pictures of her friends on my end of the phone from my tablet. I sometimes ask, I think she lives in NC or at the beach and mom has a chance to recall accurately this memory. That is nice for her to feel engaged. I tell her what I am up to which is usually boring daily stuff but I leave out the things she cannot do (cook, laundry, drive somewhere). I talk about a person we know that needs prayers or is on my heart to pray for and I pray with mom. If any of her friends wants to take her to lunch, I suggest they look at the menu and pick 2 things that mom will like so she can choose (coconut or garlic shrimp or ahi tuna or a vegetarian flatbread) and sweet tea. If they don’t; she will order what they order and then give it to them saying she isn’t hungry. Mom doesn’t comprehend what she reads and has a hard time reading. I also ask whoever picks her up to say, “let me comb the hair on the back of your head”. Mom cannot reach that far. This has led to very successful interactions that last more than a couple of minutes. Mom enjoys herself, friends know what to expect and interact and she isn’t uncomfortable with her lack of recall. Old memories are the best to bring up but the friend needs to bring up subjects. Mom loves listening and does a little talking but finding words is hard for her. :)

I think this is ok. All the family gets busy with their lives and our family is increasingly on social channels but my Mom cannot do this. We tried facebook, instagram but she does not get it. She can do skype with me. She can answer the phone, so asking the cousins and children to call her once in a while means the world to her. We all forget that everyone cannot see technology. Honestly, write a letter or send a card in the mail is also welcome, takes a few minutes, and does not cost a lot.

I know you want to protect her but, maybe she would be better served having friends help her face that she has some deficiencies.

Getting upset and hurt isn't the end of the world and if she knows it would be easier for her to face the facts with people that love her.

I have seen that those that acknowledge they are forgetting are way easier to deal with then the ones that pretend all is well.

Just my opinion. I do know that you don't have the right to tell something she has specifically said not to. It can be said without saying it.

I would tell two or three close friends and mention that they may have to carry the conversation and prompt your mother. My mother has now forgotten how to use a phone and I’ll sometimes let her best friend know we are going to call and then I’ll dial the number and let my mother talk. Her friend is very patient and tries to encourage the conversation. You’re doing a great job and your mom is blessed to have such a caring daughter.

If your mother has made it clear that she does not want people to be told that she has dementia, you must not tell them that she has dementia. That is medical information and she has a right to confidentiality.

But you don't have to spell the problem out to encourage her to be less withdrawn. Instead of logging on during the time when you're with her, why not suggest giving one or two of her friends a call and having a chat?

Keep in mind that the fear of them knowing about her memory problem may not be the only, or even the main, reason why she has begun to avoid them. It may be that she has found she can't keep up with conversations and has begun to feel anxious and awkward around them - her comfort zone has shrunk, if you like. What you want to avoid is its shrinking to the point where you're the only person in it!

How well does she understand what is happening? Have you been able to have open conversations with her about her memory issues?

Yes I think that's a great idea to alert them of your mom's health condition so that they know, and so that they make more of an effort to reach out to her. She may not want them to know, but maybe you can tell them that too. That way they'll be able to know, but won't bring it up to her.

I would ask people to call but, I would encourage mom to call them as well. ALL one-way streets eventually come to a dead end and friendship is a two way exchange. If she isn't putting any effort in to staying connected, her friends will drift off.

I understand where you are coming from - trying to respect her wishes but at the same time - you also know your mom well enough that if you think of some close or select friends (that you feel you could share it with) in hopes that this will bring her a better quality of life - (which having friendships and support will be) then I think you trust yourself to reach out to them.

Since my moms stroke she has less “effort” in her and I see when others send her cards or call her - it really does bring her happiness - now that we have those who write to her or call - it has made it easier on mom and or even me (as a reminder) to do something nice for them and has helped her stay connected to others. Someone whom sent her a book recommendation she now shares hers with them - or whomever wrote to her that first year she now send little cards to them. In my mind now - (after all we have been through) then add isolation of covid into it - I would welcome anyone to bring my mom extra love or extra friendship - so I say yes reach out to some you think would be a good friend to her🦋

Can she use social media? A lot of it isn't even Facebook-type complicated, and provides socialization. You could say that even this board does that. There have been seniors on this board interacting, too.

Another option is a "senior friends" program. These are volunteers who provide a few hours of face-to-face socialization. However, they are strict: No housekeeping, no pet care, no ADLs or anything else.