Does your parent seem to dog you out for not remembering every detail?

Hang up on la-la-la. And don't call back. If she calls back, let HER apologize.

I wish all I had to worry about with my mom was mom going lalala. So you hung up on her, then called her back and said "the phone must have disconnected." You're BOTH hoots!!

"Mom, when you're done singing, give me a call back." Click.

Every.single.time.

I wonder if she's deflecting, i.e. she's worried about her own failing memory, so is calling you out about your memory "deficits". That happens with people. When we're worried about something in ourselves, we want to point that same something in others, to make ourselves feel better. The big question (as asked above by several others) is that is this new behavior or part of an old pattern? If it's new, then she needs a doc's visit to make sure the change isn't caused by a physical problem. If it's part of an old pattern, it may be due to cognitive decline and not just obstinacy and immaturity (no matter how frustrating it can be).

Pam I did that to my son and we didn't speak for six months. And even then it was only because his 16-year-old dog was dying and I wasn't quite high enough on my horse to have her put to sleep without even warning him. I'm just thinking that calling the other person's bluff doesn't always work as well as one might hope.

Mrsprim, I'm sure it's in no way amusing from your point of view but from this safe distance your mother is a hoot. Wow! Gosh I hope I'll be that uninhibited in years to come..!

But seriously, I don't think this is a matter of your being just aggravated - your mother is behaving like a brat. An ungrateful brat, at that. As you say, you wouldn't let your 12 year old pull that kind of stunt on you. So how come you're even entertaining the idea that it could be excusable in a competent adult? It just isn't.

How did you feel while you were in the act of hanging up? Angry? Relieved? Bit of both?

There's an interesting point of semantics, here. "Hanging up" sounds like a punitive, aggressive thing - as you say, disrespectful - to do. So instead, how does "ending the call there" sound? We'll end it there, and come back to the subject later. Doesn't that sound like an entirely reasonable and sensible thing to do when your mother is clearly not up to having a grown-up discussion at that particular time?

I think Pam is right, and it is for your mother to apologise, but I suspect that for now anyway that would just make you too anxious and wouldn't work. What I'd recommend instead is that you do call her back to continue any necessary discussion, but at a time that is convenient to you. And if your mother calls you, mouthing off about how dare you hang up on me etc etc, then you calmly say you are tired of her being so rude to you and you won't listen to it. There's the rule for you: rudeness = terminate the conversation, to be continued when it suits you.

Best of luck. You're very sweet to look after your mother so nicely, you know.

If your mother is independent, then you need not call every day to check on her. If she is not independent, you really can't "hang up" and not call for an extended time period as previously suggested.

If this treatment by your mother is new, then perhaps she is suffering from an infection, medicine which is changing her personality or just frustrated that she now needs help.

Finally as many elderly age, they narrow their focus to their immediate needs and problems. These little issues (ie potholes) loom big on their checklist. They are not thinking about the many things an adult child needs to complete each day beyond taking care of them. They do not realize their demands verge on unrealistic.

I did not engage my father but would become silence and divert his interest to things he liked offering him a book to read, the newspaper or putting on TV a humorous movie. Often that was enough to redirect his attention. He was not nasty however, but he could keep bringing up an issue he thought to be urgent which was really not.

Since your mother is nasty about her requests, you may wish an apology but she probably is so centered on why she thinks she is correct --I doubt if you get one. Sometimes it is better to let go of the notion that you deserve an apology--it in the big picture it will not change much. She is not treating you with respect but in caring for an elder there are lots of times when you are "taken for granted" --so it is what it is.

Good luck.

Thanks for all the advice. First off, mom has always had a sense of humor and yes, I took that from her. I think it's true about their worlds become smaller and the caregivers are an easy target for when they want to lash out about something. There are a few things she has to worry about and seems upset that they aren't on my priority list. I do believe as they become less competent that they may feel better projecting their failure onto someone else. I haven't spoken with her in a few days but will do my weekend visit tomorrow. My memory is targeted each time I visit and I've been trying to figure out a strategy to deal with it tomorrow. I'm the main caregiver and may suggest if I'm so inept perhaps she needs to rely on another sibling of mine. She's very condescending when making these remarks and I start thinking perhaps I am headed to the loony bin with the help of my mother. :) Love her and know at 81 she's on the downhill side so I continue on. Thanks for listening, I just didn't know who else to turn to.

My Mother always had what we called a "sharp tongue" but when she was younger could get away with it. As the dementia started her sharp tongue became became more hurtful and she pushed people (except her family) away because they were not going to deal with it. I do not see anything wrong with hanging up when you have reached your limit. My phone drops calls all the time-haha. It sounds like she may be targeting you because she is afraid of her own failing memory.

My husband delighted when he remembered something that I forgot. He wasn't mean about it, but you could tell he was pleased. I'd often look at him and say, "Tell me again which one of us has dementia? I've forgotten." We'd both laugh. (Memory loss is not the primary symptom of his kind of dementia.)

If your mother is concerned about her own memory issues and that is what is driving her picking on you, maybe a few compliments about her memory would help, or injecting humor into the situation.

If my mother sang la-la-la like a junior high kid I'd laugh my apron off.

This can only get to you if you let it. Since it MIGHT be the start of cognitive decline, you might as well try not taking it personally. There could be a lot of that in your future.

MrsPrim; Do you work? do you have other things to think about in your life besides your mom's Mammo and potholes? Of course you do. It seems like it's all about her and she's whaling into you because you're not inside her head, in her self absorbed world. I wouldn't feel guilty. you're taking good care of her and inquiring about her health and well being. Either she'll stew and realize she's wrong, or she's going down the path of cognitive decline where she can't see anything from someone else's point of view. or she's always been like this. In any event, no guilt necessary!

You could just say "gosh, mom, your memory is amazing. That's fantastic!" the next time she brings it up and see if that's enough. Maybe a compliment like that might be the trick.