Does your parent seem to dog you out for not remembering every detail?

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I hung up on mom today and feel bad. Seems she wants to point out everything that everyone else has done wrong in their life but never thinks she deserves the same treatment. She gets upset when my siblings voice their opinion on how she could have done things differently. Last week she was waiting on the doc to schedule (HMO) her mammo and when I asked today about when the appt is she lit into me about how I don't remember things and perhaps I need to go to the doc. She had a rather large pothole at the end of her street. She said my other sister was going to call the news station to report it. I asked her if she'd reported it to the city she said no, it wasn't her responsibility. I called the city right then and they set up a case number for it. 5 days later, after she scolded me about not remembering her mammo she said the hole is fixed. Lord have mercy on me because I asked what hole? Here we go again about my failing memory. When I tried to speak again she did the la-la thing like a kid does and would not stop. I hung up on her for fear of me telling her stop acting like a baby. I immediately called her back, knowing what I did was disrespectful and acted like the phone must have disconnected. I'm not sure how to handle this. This isn't the first time she's tuned me out by doing the la-la thing and it infuriates me. I don't allow my 12 year old to do that why should my mother be allowed? I guess I'm just aggravated and needed to vent.

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My husband delighted when he remembered something that I forgot. He wasn't mean about it, but you could tell he was pleased. I'd often look at him and say, "Tell me again which one of us has dementia? I've forgotten." We'd both laugh. (Memory loss is not the primary symptom of his kind of dementia.)

If your mother is concerned about her own memory issues and that is what is driving her picking on you, maybe a few compliments about her memory would help, or injecting humor into the situation.

If my mother sang la-la-la like a junior high kid I'd laugh my apron off.

This can only get to you if you let it. Since it MIGHT be the start of cognitive decline, you might as well try not taking it personally. There could be a lot of that in your future.
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If I had a dollar for every time I "ended calls abruptly" with my mom, I could take my family of 4 to Disney World. It's not disrespectful to honor your own boundaries and end a conversation with someone being abusive. That's what it is - being abusive.

Like other said, if this is new or worsening, mom needs to see the doctor ASAP. Geriatric physiology is different just like pediatrics is a specialty. They can act looney-tunes from infections, side effects, pain, general anxiety, and neurological changes.

Keep a log of the conversations and her personality from now on, so you can look back and see what's changing, or if there is a pattern. I'd still get her to the doctor now though.
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My Mother always had what we called a "sharp tongue" but when she was younger could get away with it. As the dementia started her sharp tongue became became more hurtful and she pushed people (except her family) away because they were not going to deal with it. I do not see anything wrong with hanging up when you have reached your limit. My phone drops calls all the time-haha. It sounds like she may be targeting you because she is afraid of her own failing memory.
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You could just say "gosh, mom, your memory is amazing. That's fantastic!" the next time she brings it up and see if that's enough. Maybe a compliment like that might be the trick.
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Thanks for all the advice. First off, mom has always had a sense of humor and yes, I took that from her. I think it's true about their worlds become smaller and the caregivers are an easy target for when they want to lash out about something. There are a few things she has to worry about and seems upset that they aren't on my priority list. I do believe as they become less competent that they may feel better projecting their failure onto someone else. I haven't spoken with her in a few days but will do my weekend visit tomorrow. My memory is targeted each time I visit and I've been trying to figure out a strategy to deal with it tomorrow. I'm the main caregiver and may suggest if I'm so inept perhaps she needs to rely on another sibling of mine. She's very condescending when making these remarks and I start thinking perhaps I am headed to the loony bin with the help of my mother. :) Love her and know at 81 she's on the downhill side so I continue on. Thanks for listening, I just didn't know who else to turn to.
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You got frustrated and hung up. Don't feel bad. Next time you talk to her if it's still an issue, just say you got frustrated and thought it would be better to end the call there instead of dragging it out. I've done it, too. Now if there's a fight with my mom I just say "I'm hanging up now; I'll talk to at another time" and end it.
Your mom sounds a lot like mine, though. I always get the line about "your memory is bad." She is 76, has memory loss, confusion, some dementia, etc., and she has actually told me that I "remember nothing" and has suggested I need to see a specialist! (And she won't see a doctor for anything but BP meds and xanax!)
Maybe your mom is just focusing on a few things because I believe a lot of elderly folks' way of thinking narrows. My mom doesn't work or volunteer so she has time to sit at her table and dwell on a couple things. Might be the same for your mom. That, however, doesn't make it any more enjoyable for you in your dealings with her, especially if you get the 'la-la-la' response.
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I wish all I had to worry about with my mom was mom going lalala. So you hung up on her, then called her back and said "the phone must have disconnected." You're BOTH hoots!!

"Mom, when you're done singing, give me a call back." Click.

Every.single.time.
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I wonder if she's deflecting, i.e. she's worried about her own failing memory, so is calling you out about your memory "deficits". That happens with people. When we're worried about something in ourselves, we want to point that same something in others, to make ourselves feel better. The big question (as asked above by several others) is that is this new behavior or part of an old pattern? If it's new, then she needs a doc's visit to make sure the change isn't caused by a physical problem. If it's part of an old pattern, it may be due to cognitive decline and not just obstinacy and immaturity (no matter how frustrating it can be).
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MrsPrim; Do you work? do you have other things to think about in your life besides your mom's Mammo and potholes? Of course you do. It seems like it's all about her and she's whaling into you because you're not inside her head, in her self absorbed world. I wouldn't feel guilty. you're taking good care of her and inquiring about her health and well being. Either she'll stew and realize she's wrong, or she's going down the path of cognitive decline where she can't see anything from someone else's point of view. or she's always been like this. In any event, no guilt necessary!
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If your mother is independent, then you need not call every day to check on her. If she is not independent, you really can't "hang up" and not call for an extended time period as previously suggested.

If this treatment by your mother is new, then perhaps she is suffering from an infection, medicine which is changing her personality or just frustrated that she now needs help.

Finally as many elderly age, they narrow their focus to their immediate needs and problems. These little issues (ie potholes) loom big on their checklist. They are not thinking about the many things an adult child needs to complete each day beyond taking care of them. They do not realize their demands verge on unrealistic.

I did not engage my father but would become silence and divert his interest to things he liked offering him a book to read, the newspaper or putting on TV a humorous movie. Often that was enough to redirect his attention. He was not nasty however, but he could keep bringing up an issue he thought to be urgent which was really not.

Since your mother is nasty about her requests, you may wish an apology but she probably is so centered on why she thinks she is correct --I doubt if you get one. Sometimes it is better to let go of the notion that you deserve an apology--it in the big picture it will not change much. She is not treating you with respect but in caring for an elder there are lots of times when you are "taken for granted" --so it is what it is.

Good luck.
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