Does anyone else have a parent who doesn't care to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren? - AgingCare.com

Does anyone else have a parent who doesn't care to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren?

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I am my mom's caretaker. She lives with me. My daughter graduated from high school today...with honors....and my mom did not want to be there. This drives me bonkers! I shouldn't be surprised because she has done this for a very long time...eighteen years. It bothers me now because she lives with me so I can't escape it. Today it was more important to sit and watch TV.....something she does each and every day....ugh!!! I know I have to let it go.....but it's irritating! Especially when I saw people much older than my mom....with canes and walkers...there with family.

I guess it's easier to stay at home and not make the effort....

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I also agree with ppalmer316. When my oldest daughter got married in Massachusetts, my brother, his wife and son all came up for the wedding. My brother could not get my healthy mother to fly up with him for her granddaughter's wedding. He was furious at mom. I, however, was not. She would have been a PIA. Whine and complain about this and that. And probably said something inappropriate or just down right negative. I was happy with her decision. However, I learned much later that my daughter was not and she hasn't forgotten it or the fact that her grandparents never came to visit her or her sisters for the last years of middle and high school. Nor did they come when we invited them over the Christmas holidays when the girls came home from college.

Care4mama, what I have learned, in my mother's case, is this is part of the narcissistic supply she needs. You see, she doesn't do anything for anyone, then people stay away or give up, then she can whine and complain that "she has no one". Just manipulative behavior. Over time we all have come to understand that mom get's her most happiness from complaining about not have anyone and throwing us all under the bus.

It would take someone much better educated in psychology to understand her, but I have a few clues. Just ignore your mother and don't give her a pay off because of her bad behavior.
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Congratulations for your daughter and your family...Same here with my Mom..I don't let it bother me, it's much easier and relaxing for me if she doesn't go...
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I have to ask if she has been this way your entire life?

My mother decided when our girls were in middle school and high school to never come to Florida to visit anymore. It was too much trouble for Mom, however she was and is perfectly healthy. Mom missed all high school graduations (my oldest was valedictorian of her high school of 500 seniors), college graduations, my oldest daughter's wedding, and many other milestones. She has not been in my home in 14 years. Can't be bothered.

She also didn't attend her grandson's college graduation which was an hour's drive from her home. She was hinting to me that she ws not going to attend his high school graduation which was 6 miles from her home. I told her what a big mistake that would be.

So, after all of this "missing in action", one of my girls calls her every few weeks and the other two have just forgotten her. Her grandson is not close to her even though he lives 7 miles away.

Relationships are like gardens, you have to tend them to make them grow. I don't know if her actions are due to the AD or if she is just like my mother and a very, very selfish individual.
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Family gatherings can be like a circus on steroids for AD because it takes longer to process what is going on. Everything is happening so fast and all over anditgetsoverwhelming. That said, if this has been going on for 18 yrs..meh.
Maybe try adult daycare for a month and see if YOU like it. Maybe let her know from the beginning that it is a 1 month trial, and she doesn't have a choice until the end of the month (routine is more comfortable for them).
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Thanks NancyH and MishkaM! I had a wonderful day with my husband, son and in-laws (who have always been involved with their grandchildren). From now on I just won't ask because I know the answer will be "Oh, I don't think so."

The funny thing is when mom actually does go somewhere....a party, out to lunch, etc. she has a nice time and is social. It's getting her there, that has always been the issue. So, it's not her disability that holds her back. It's just easier to not make the effort and watch TV instead. My FIL has two bad knees and he doesn't miss any milestones in the lives of his grandchildren.....he has attended everything. Yes, my mom can be a downer.

I know it makes her sad to see my in-laws together...my father passed away a few years ago...but mom still has family who want her around. I hope I live long enough to be a grandparent!

My mom knows I'm disappointed she didn't attend the graduation by the way she's acting. Today she'll get up and expect today to be like any other day. I know she's just about or is out of all the sweets she loves. She'll ask me if I'm going out to the store and if so could I pick her up some candy and cookies. Um, okay? She just doesn't get it.

I hope my sibling is available soon so mom can visit for a couple of weeks...I need a break. Of course, he knows how mom is and I'm always the one asking him if she can visit him. He's invited her over once since she moved in with me. I do stand my ground though and make sure he has mom for at least a week every two to three months. I love mom but didn't sign up for this part.

I'm thinking adult daycare once or twice a week would be great for both of us. The s*** is going to hit the fan! Or, maybe she'll actually enjoy it?
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Congrats to your daughter!!
It says on your profile that your mom had AD. Could she be afraid of letting people see her disability? I am sorry she was a dark cloud for your daughter's day! Enjoy your girl and try not to let your Mom bring you all down.
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Congratulations on your daughter's accomplishment! How great is that? And I think the key to this thing with your mom was what you said, you can no longer escape her selfishness. That's the rub I'm afraid. You can't turn her into anything other than your mother, so you're right about that too, let it go. I would say to extricate yourself from her when want to do things like this, and find people that appreciate the things that you do. Go and have fun knowing that 'debbie downer' is at home with her own best friend...HERSELF. Congrats again, good job mom!
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