My mom is receiving hospice and is in the preactive stage of dying. She isn't afraid to die, but is frightened. What do I say to her when she talks about dying? - AgingCare.com

My mom is receiving hospice and is in the preactive stage of dying. She isn't afraid to die, but is frightened. What do I say to her when she talks about dying?

Follow
Share

My mom is now living with my husband and I with the assistance of hospice. I believe she is in the preacitve death stage and I don't know to say to her when she talks about dying? She is not afraid to die but is frightened. I've discussed her seeing my dad again, meeting her maker etc, but anyone have any words of real comfort.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
25

Answers

Show:
1 2 3
Just realized this is a very old post. Oh well.......
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Windy, make mine a Gin and Tonic and some Djarum menthols. By the way this post is from 2010. Many have since departed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

What I want to hear on my deathbed is assurance that I did more good than harm in this world and that I will be remembered for contributing to society, family and friends, and not taking more than my fair share of material and human resources. If there is a heaven, and I have my doubts, it is those that meet the above criteria that will ascend, not those who made the people around them miserable and gave nothing to society but claimed to be "A Believer".

I want lots of drugs if I'm in pain, a pint of good sourmash whiskey and a couple Pall Malls. (so what, I'm dying).

I understand how comforting reassurance about faith can be. Out of respect for people's belief I have many times participated in the rituals of various religions even though I'm not religious. My Mother is not religious, my brother (now deceased) was very religious. Mom has been hospitalized for life threatening illness more than once. My brother would insist on bringing people from his church to pray for her in the hospital. She put up with it but told me later how mad it made her that everyone just assumed she shared their beliefs.

I don't think most people "Of Faith" would force a deathbed prayer service on someone who was not "Of Faith" but it happens. we should never assume the whole world shares our beliefs or lack thereof.

To Moushiel, this is a great topic for discussion. All of us are going to be facing this difficult time with loved ones and our own deaths. Thanks for the post.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Marlexa15 - All you can do is your best. Never feel guilty about that. My mother has been waiting on Jesus for every day of my 44 years, maybe even longer.

Every day she was a little bit angry she woke up and had to do another day on this earth with us, but she never had the courage to do anything about it. Now we know that's mental illness and is called being Passively Suicidal.

Mom's been in hospice a month, and I have no idea how on earth to process any of it. Mom's met so many of the "death is near" criteria or behaviors for so many years due to mental illness and dementia (or both), those lists do me very little good.

I don't know if I should be there, or carry on because this is going to be a long haul.

All I can go with is what my eyes & ears tell me. She's losing weight rapidly, sleeps almost all the time, has pressure sores all over her feet no matter what we try. I think some of them aren't pressure sores in reality, but just sores that her body can't heal.

It's all out of anyone's control at this point. I will just do my best day to day and not worry about anything else. I hope you can too.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Mousheil --
My dying husband made a request to me expressing his view on what to say to him while he was dying. Our hospice team had told me to let Bob know that it was OK to let go and die if that's what he felt ready to do. One day when he told me he wanted to die, I told him, "It's OK to let go." The next time I visited him in the nursing home, he said to me, "Stop telling me it's OK to die." I apologized and never said it again. The next week I received a phone call at 10:45 p.m. telling me that Bob had gone to sleep and died peacefully. I have read that people with certain personality types need to control the way they die.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

My mom always talks about "I am dying today. Come see me". She has a very negative outlook with her life. We usually tell her she has to be thankful to God for all the things she enjoys, family who love her, relatives & friends. She is not sick, just old. She wants her creator to take her but then she does not want to leave my dad behind. Help! My siblings live far so I am "her rock". This rock is crumbling...
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

As a near-atheist who likes and respects religion and good religious people, I have to say dying without a belief in Eternity is NOT terrifying for everyone. I harbor a WISH that there is heaven, and that I will see my parents again, but I'm not afraid of death. Of course I'm afraid of pain and terror, but not of being dead. Billions of people have gone through it before me, so why should I be different? Once I'm dead, my atoms will return to the universe, and that's just fine.

What would bother me in dying would be fears about the process. Will I be in pain? Will my family be all right without me? Did I waste my life, or did I have fun and spread love and joy?

The advice to LISTEN and ask questions seems the best to me. You don't need to take her fear away but to help her explore her fear and live with it. Hospice has chaplains who have tons of experience with the dying, probably more than her own pastor does. They can give you guidance.

God bless you both. (I have never claimed to be a consistent atheist.)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Care for my mom for 5 years after her stroke. she was bed bound and tube feed. How ever I could extend her life I did.Never give up
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

My mother was in a Hospice unit for 5 days. I told her it was ok to die.I would miss her but she can let go. I feel your pain God bless
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your big girl panties? Buck up? Dont think so.. You say you're a Christian so you have the whole eternity thing wrapped up. That said it all. Good luck with that. The things we try to avoid are the things which haunt us the most.. in the end.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions