Don't know what to do. Mom in early 90s. Been through heart surgery, breast cancer, tumble down stairs that involved months in rehab. She is now becoming more forgetful by the day. She blames me for hiding everything she misplaces. She has always been angry and paranoid during her life, but now out of control.

Physically, she is mobile but in a fair amount of pain. Car was disabled long ago.

I can't take care of her. I can't watch her 24x7, even though I live with her now. Her medicines are gone and we can't find them.

What do you do when it reaches this point?

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By the way, when my 90-something-year-old-at-the-time mother lived in Assisted Living & INSISTED on administering her own medications, I'd put them all in a pill organizer every week, labeled by each day. When I'd come over to do the weekly refill, the whole box was in disarray. Monday's pills were mixed in with Wednesdays, Fridays were missing, Saturday's were a mixture of Tuesdays & Thursdays, etc. I'd find a few under her chair, and others in coffee cups in her cupboard that she'd planned to take but had forgotten about. God knows what pills she had taken and which ones she'd thrown away! At that point, I put her on the medication program at the ALF and told her she had NO other choice in the matter, the subject was closed. Sometimes, making decisions FOR the elderly is the best thing you can possibly do. She got used to it right away, actually, and wound up being a lot less agitated in general because she had one less thing to worry about.

What I have found is this: I am the Bad Guy and I accept that role. Someone HAS to take on that role with the elderly. The Bad Guy insists that mother is cared for properly, even when she Promised she'd never place mother in a Care Community. Because the Bad Guy realizes that such a promise was made in Good Times, before mother became demented and started to wander, fall down stairs, get progressively angrier and angrier, and generally experience pain all the time. The Bad Guy does The Right Thing, even when mother protests loudly and plays the Guilt Card HARD. The Bad Guy keeps an even temperament and knows that what she's doing is in her mother's best interest, and goes to sleep each night with a clear conscience.

Be the Bad Guy and do the Right Thing for Mom. She'll be fine & so will you.
Helpful Answer (24)
SMacArthur Sep 2019
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You get her placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) and you apply for Medicaid right away if she doesn't have the finances to cover the costs. The anger, paranoia forgetfulness will only get worse & worse as the days go by and the disease progresses.

Best of luck!!!
Helpful Answer (22)

It’s time for a facility. It’s the safest thing for both of you, mentally and physically. This has become more than any one person is able to handle.
Helpful Answer (18)

Get your Mom into a facility NOW. If that's not possible Now then keep trying to find a facility. Call APS on her. Let them deal with her. If she falls or something happens where she needs to go to the hospital then tell them SHE CAN"T COME HOME!!! She is starting to lose her mind and you can't take care of her anymore!! You don't need to do this. She needs a higher level of care!! Call the cops on her if you need to. Get her out of the house one way or the other and into a facility that can take care of her. You have done enough!!! Don't feel guilty!!
Helpful Answer (14)
Indeed correct Elaine, (& many of us prob concur). 👍
I’m just going they this with my MIL. She moved in with me and things were okay for several months. She became angry, accused me of moving a man in the house, etc. Her sons picked her up on Sunday afternoon. On Monday she is moving into a facility.
Helpful Answer (14)

Do you have durable PoA for your mom? Has she been checked for a UTI? Does she have financial means to go into a facility? If not, she will need to apply for Medicaid and the approval can take approx 3 months. Facilities don't advertise their rates or whether they accept Medicaid residents, so you will need to plan time to visit places to get that information. Only consider places that offer a continuum of care, from LTC to Memory care to hospice. Wishing you success!
Helpful Answer (12)

Short term priority is getting her back on her meds if they’re for serious conditions. Call in refills for them all, and let her doctor know why. Then you'll need to keep the medicines yourself in a safe place, hand them out to her, and watch her take them. Let her doctor know that you cannot handle her at home anymore and will need their help in getting her placed in an appropriate facility.
Helpful Answer (12)

I hope you aren't one of the people who says/promised they will never put someone in a facility.

Are you the only child?
Helpful Answer (11)
Jean1808 Sep 2019
I AM !!!!
I am so sorry about what you are going through. Sometimes I wish my mom’s house was wired for cameras and recording devices to do a playback of things she has said and done, then denies all of it.

On the missing meds—has anyone else been in the house lately? Did your mom handle her own meds before, or did you give them to her daily? If it was a couple of bottles, check under beds, furniture, etc. If it was a bunch more bottles, that’s really weird. Could your mom have thrown them away in the trash without you seeing and you took out the trash??

I, myself, am just finding out how difficult elderly parents can be, especially when they were difficult already. It just progresses.

Hugs go and good luck! I hope the missing meds turn up.
Helpful Answer (7)

You look at options.
Can someone come in and help out? If so for how long and how many days a week?
Is placing her in a Memory Care facility a possibility?
Is there a possibility that she will have to go on Medicaid? If so begin the process now and in looking for facilities look for one that will be able to keep her if and when she does go on Medicaid.
Have you talked to her doctor about the paranoia, anger? Is it caused my a UTI? Medication interaction or if she is not taking her medications properly that can be a cause.
And if she is paranoid, and angry is there a possibility that she could become violent? If so your safety is important and placement may be an only option if it comes to your or her safety
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