Follow
Share

I have gone over this in my mind and on the internet with no answers. My Mom is in the last stage of dementia. My Dad has always been adamant to No cremation for my Mom or himself and I will honor his wishes, but I don't know what to do when the time comes for pallbearers for my Mom. I understand usually 6, she is small and petite. Our family is very small, our church is also with few parishioners. There are only 4 grandchildren I have thought of, but 2 are girls, 2 boys and I believe that one will not come as no contact with family for years. I only wonder what do elderly people do who have outlived family and friends?


I would much appreciate any answers if anyone has ideas on this subject.


Thank you.

The casket is put on a rolling gurney type thing. No need for pallbearers.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn
Report

This is going to sound crass, please do not be offended, but when they are dead, they don't CARE. Funerals are about the living.

My mother was loved by me to the very end and beyond, and she was a burn vic so I was ANTI cremation. But ultimately she was cremated, as an indigent no less as there was no money for anything fancy, not that I would have spent money on fancy. I thought I would REALLY be bothered by it. But I recall my college biology teacher saying (and he was elderly at the time) that he kept his own mom and dad in a closet, and his mom went thump thump and his dad went swish swish when he picked up their urns.

I did get my mother's ashes, in a not so fancy plastic box. I put part of them in a container that meant a LOT to her. I decorated that box with pictures and sometimes had her on the dining room or coffee table to "Visit" when I was still grieving badly. After you get over the sort of creepy part, you can hold or hug that urn or container, and my mom sort of swish-thumps. (Got to have a little humor in this.) My best dog passed after her. I paid to have him cremated and he lives right next door to her. They did a nice job, offering some tail hairs and little wild flowers with his urn. He just -swishes-.

As much as I was against cremation, it is sort of comforting having their remains. I am not real religious but that ashes to ashes dust to dust thing makes complete sense to me now.

Just my opinion but there is no WAY I would traumatize children into being pallbearers. If only a small church no WAY, even with all the life insurance in the world would I blow it on a funeral/casket/stone and all the rip off prices that go along with basically being put in the ground to rot. Please understand I come from a farm setting, you learn A LOT about life and death and what happens after death real fast. Cremation is MUCH neater.

I cling to my moms words, even many years after her passing. REMEMBER ME HOW I WAS WHEN I WAS ALIVE. NEVER GO TO A FUNERAL. (She had seen her own mom open casket and could never move past that scene, well into her own old age) And I do, complete with her pictures and that box that contains her swish-thump remains. I have been to other's funerals when younger, never again.

Perhaps have a cremation and a reception if that concerned about formalities, or a service at the church with a lovely urn and photos and flowers. REMEMBER..Funerals/wakes etc, though they offer a little tiny bit of closure of sorts, they are for THE LIVING, not the dead. You are NOT dishonoring you parents to just simply have them cremated and do as you will with the ashes, you can launch them in space, dust them on a mountainside, have them scattered in the ocean, have some made into a locket if so inclined, or keep them in an urn in your home. Right now my mom and dog are sitting in a box ready to move and I take comfort in that somehow. I would not be fretting about pallbearers or funeral plans at this point except to alert your minister or priest that this might be right around the corner, I would though be fretting about in spending those last days with her. Don't put the cart before the horse quite yet, and your father's wishes should be respected.

UPDATE I did not understand, I thought your dad was FOR her being cremated! If he wants her buried then you bury her. But you don't think about pallbearers. The church will deal with it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Cherrysoda
Report

Check with the funeral home, they usually can provide pallbearers.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to rocketjcat
Report

if you have the service at the mortuary, you won’t need pallbearers.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to worriedinCali
Report

I think you should ask your church. I'm sure they've dealt with funerals where there were no family members who could serve as pallbearers. Some church members probably will volunteer, or can be hired.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to polarbear
Report

Yes, I meant to say my Dad is totally against cremation and the funeral will be in our small church and my folks have their plot at cemetery so pallbearers do come into this picture.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to helpingmom1
Report

Helping, I am sorry, I thought you were saying Dad was adamant to have cremation. I misread.

Check with your church and funeral home. They probably have a solution that does not involve the coffin being carried.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tothill
Report

The funeral will be at our small church and they have their cemetery plot.

As I said cremation is No to my Dad. So pallbearers do come in the picture for us.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to helpingmom1
Report

I think you meant to say your father said no cremation? Or am I interpreting your question wrong?
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Gershun
Report

I am not sure that I understand the question. Pall Bearers are needed when there is a funeral with the casket in the church and then at the graveside.

My family has been using cremation for over 40 years and we never have the coffin at the funeral. We place the Urn on the altar. Pall Bearers do not come into the picture at all for us.
Helpful Answer (0)
Reply to Tothill
Report

Ask a Question

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter