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Hi All,I am writing from Poland. I was a caregiver to my father with advanced dementia. The medical system in my country fails dramatically so I witnessed a lot of neglect on part of the medical professionals. I am in therapy working hard on regaining my mental health and would like to ask You for advice. Most probably I will never know if my father had dental pain. Some of his tooth looked awful- slightly chipped or filed/broken. I reported it to the dentist but he told me that nothing could have been done at that point- which now I know is not true as pain control is always an option. I would like to ask if anyone has experience dealing with such uncertainty? It hurts like hell. I have no idea how to cope with it.

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I'm assuming from your post that your father has gone to God's mercy and is at his reward. Please don't jump down the rabbit hole of 'what ifs' and worrying over whether or not he was in pain. He is beyond all pain and suffering now. I'm sure he would not want you making yourself miserable stressing about his experience with your country's medical system. It's a real shame to hear that Poland's healthcare is in such sorry shape. I remember having to go to a hospital in Krakow on my first trip to Poland in the early 1990's. I fell and hit my head and went to the hospital. They kept me for two days and I received very good care. If that had been in the U.S. they would have sent me home right away. I was amazed that many of the staff spoke English. It's been a long time since I was in Poland and I'm sorry to hear how rough it is now.

Please take care of yourself now as I'm sure your father would want you to. Don't worry about him because he's in a better place. God bless you and I hope you find comfort in your father's memory.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver
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Try to let go of the idea that you should have known about his dental pain or that you failed him. IT WAS NOT YOUR JOB TO BE THE MEDICAL EXPERT. The system failed both of you, and the responsibility belonged to the doctors. They are paid to do the job, and you shouldn't feel guilty for their failures.

Right now, it is all over. Feeling bad about it every day will only make you worse, and it doesn't help anyone. I know it is tough, but try to understand that it is all in the past, and he is now at peace.

A helpful thing to think about is that guilt is often a misplaced attempt to take control over an event that was entirely out of our hands. Work on yourself, try to let the burden go. Your only focus now should be your mental health and being there for the people who are dear to you.
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Reply to JakRenden2
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In our lives, we must decide that we did the best we could under the circumstances with the knowledge that we had. Period, end of sentence.

It's natural to have misgivings after the fact, but we have to give ourselves a pat on the back for dealing with bad situations the best we could. Otherwise the uncertainties pile up, and we repeatedly try to dig ourselves out. This is not a wise thing to do!
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AlicjaKarolina1 Dec 16, 2025
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My mother suffered from advanced dementia and was still able to tell me if her teeth hurt and she was experiencing pain. Even if dad was non verbal, his blood pressure would have been very high had he been in pain, and he'd have had a grimace on his face, etc.

Please know your dear father is at perfect peace now and feeling no pain or discomfort of any kind. You did your best as a daughter, and no medical care anywhere in the world is perfect.

Best of luck to you.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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There is no way to cope with it and there is no way to be certain about it. Life is full of unknowns, full of best guesses, full of uncertainty. That's just what life is. So your bashing your head continually against a brick wall is a way of avoiding acceptance, which is the gate to the path of final grieving, then letting go.

You aren't a Saint, and it's a pretty bad job description anyway. Even they die! BUT they are then expected to fix everything for the rest of us for eternity. Pretty unrealistic.

There's no reason to feel guilt about this; you did your best. You didn't cause the problems and the inadequacies of the system and you can't fix them. I am glad you are in therapy and hope it isn't "talk" therapy, because talking continually about something that never was in your control and certainly isn't now, is only adding on heaping loads of pain that will form a path of continually self harming. Cognitive therapy is much more helpful, and allows us to learn to leave old habits that amount to self-harm, and to let things go and move on with life. Going back into the past or staying stuck in the present isn't very helpful. The way is forward, to become involved in helping others and taking joy from the life you have left to live.

I sure do wish you the best.
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AlicjaKarolina1 Dec 16, 2025
Thank you!
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