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I have been my moms caregiver for over 10 years, sadly she passed away less then two months ago. So many changes so fast, my mom had a revise mortgage on the house so I need to move. I need to change jobs due to am moving more then two hours away. There is a part of me that cant wait to get out of the house but then there is the other part that is making me feel like i will be leaving my mom for good. I feel so confused and empty inside. Will my life ever be normal again? Will the pain stop of losing my mom?

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It took me years to adapt to losing my Mother -- it's been over 14 years since she died and I still miss her tremendously -- nothing will ever replace the loss. As you grow older, you'll have a deeper connection with her --
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So sorry for your loss. My mother has been gone nearly nine years now. We had a protracted goodbye over fours years before she died due to strokes taking away so much. I would share that the pain changes over time, it hurts horribly for a long while, then it becomes something you live with and accept better. But you'll always miss having your mom. My tears still come, however, you reach a point of finding comfort in the happy memories and remembering with more smiles than tears. I wish you the comfort of good memories in the days ahead
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Hopefully you have friends/family that you can lean on during this difficult time. I kept some of my mother's things that reminded me of the unique person she was and what I loved about her. I also visited her weekly and brought flowers to her grave. The need for these things gradually went away as time and life moved on. A new home and job will provide a new distraction and give you some new friends and associates. It's important to take back control of your life. But I still miss my mom 15 years later.
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My deepest condolences go out to you on the recent loss of your mother. There is no time limit for grief. You will get by...think of it as your late mom wanting you to.
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Heartbroken, I'm so sorry about you losing your mom, and I empathize with your broken heart, because I just lost my own mother this past Saturday. The pain is EXCRUCIATING!

I can only tell you from the experience of losing my dad over 20 years ago that it does become less raw. That's not to say it stops hurting, but I guess it becomes less distracting, and eventually (in my family's case, sooner than expected) laughter does start to replace sorrow. But it has only been two short months for you! Go easy on yourself. If it hurts, let it out! Don't deny yourself the natural emotion of grief. Your mother would want you to do that for yourself.

Also, even if it turns out that you're not permitted to remain in that house (do some research on that) and you land somewhere miles away, your mother will always be with you and in your heart. A mother's love is so strong that it can reach through from beyond the veil. Doesn't matter where you go...
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As hollow and confused as you feel; this will pass, slowly. There is no one, other than yourself, that can really help you. You need to find different interests and things to do to get yourself out of the old routine of being at your Mother's side. Follow your best instincts--
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I lost my mom over 6 years ago to cancer. In the early days, I looked at her photo every day and thought of her lots. Now I have newspapers cuttings that I see everyday, and I think of her. I know she is in a better place, she was full of cancer, and I know I wouldn't want to still be barely living. When my roses are looking lovely, I think of her. Yes, time does make it easier, but it is different with everyone. Someone said to me, it will come in waves, you will be doing something, and be instantly reminded of your mom. That happened to me, when I was playing the piano.Those waves comes less now, you learn with move on. It is only 2 months, for a long time your mom was part of your life. Go easy on yourself, one day at a time. The pain does get less, but it does take time. Arlene Hutcheon
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Marie1960, thank you for sharing that. That may be the most accurate description of mourning I've ever heard.
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As for grief, I cried bitterly when my mother died at 64; the same when my dad passed at 84. These events were over 20 years ago. I still feel weepy when I think about them. However, I'm a firm believer in the maxim: "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Remember how blessed you are to have had a loving parent with whom you could have an adult/adult relationship. It takes time to fill the emptiness left by the void. But it will lessen over time as you replace the grief with remembering all the good times and loving deeds from the past.

About the house: if you otherwise inherit your mother's assets, you are now the owner of record (if it's gone through probate). The bank can only recoup the mortgage money paid out plus the interest that has accumulated (unless the Rev mtge was written differently.) Still, any equity left after the above payments, plus costs to sell, you would inherit. Be sure to see a lawyer before you simply move out and leave it to the bank to get all the equity. My experience with the RM is the banks never allow it to exceed about 75% of the value of the home. They may even allow you to remain in the home to care for it during the selling process, to maximize the value.As a Realtor, I've studied this subject. Abandoning it to the bank will give permission to sell for only what they have in it. Be knowledgeable about the process to protect your own assets. Your mom wouldn't want it any other way!
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Your loss is still very fresh. You shouldn't expect to be "over it" or feeling like your old self (pre-caregiving days) right now. Your mom's passing opened a huge, gaping wound in your heart and soul. Like any wound, it will take time and care for that injury to heal. The difference between this and a physical wound is that no one else can see it - but you can feel it.

It's going to take time - you will never completely get over the pain of losing your Mom - but you will feel it differently. I am nearly a year past my mother's death now, and I can tell you that for the first several weeks, my mind and body tried to follow the same routine I'd followed for the time I was her caregiver. Call Mom. Tell Mom about this or that. Show Mom this picture. It's 5pm, time to go see Mom at the nursing home. I would drive past the nursing home and it seemed my van had a mind of its own, because I would find myself turning the wheel to go into the parking lot. That lasted for a very long time. I was so torn up over her death - it seemed I was always thinking of her.

I still think of her every day, but not every waking moment. Her passing was very sudden and unexpected, and we were left with memories of how terrible she looked in the ER due to injuries sustained when she collapsed and died. But you know...those memories are still with me, but fading. And when I think of her, it's not with so much pain, but with fondness and a smile at something she would have said, or the way she would have handled a certain situation. Some folks say that a red cardinal bird in your yard is a visitor from Heaven. For me, it's blue dragonflies. Mom loved blue - especially brilliant, cobalt blue. I've never seen so many cobalt blue dragonflies in my life as I do now. Every time I am outside, I see at least one, and I don't live near water, where they usually are more prevalent. When I'm traveling, I see one or two. So I really feel like that might be Mom watching out for me or checking on me.

I do still have sad moments, even now - but they pass pretty quickly, and I move on. But it took me several months to reach that point. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to heal and grieve. The pain will lessen with time.
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It's been 11 years since my dad passed and I still get hit by waves and I never know when a wave is going to hit. That's how I think of it ever since I read this...

"From the depths of old internet comments comes another incredible gem of a story. One user wrote the following heartfelt plea online:

"My friend just died. I don't know what to do."

The rest of the post has been deleted, only the title remains. However, the helpful responses live on, and one of them was absolutely incredible. The reply by this self-titled "old guy" might just change the way you approach life and death.

I'm old. What that means is that I've survived (so far) and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I've lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can't imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here's my two cents...

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

"If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks."

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom.  The waves will get smaller and the waves will come less often but there will still be waves. God bless you. Don't let anyone, not anyone tell you it's time to get over it.  Everyone's timetable for grief is different. The timetable for your grief is yours and yours alone. Remember that.
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I feel your pain, my mother passed three months ago and I was her caregiver.

It gets easier to bear and hurts less deeply over all. But my Aunt would sometimes weep a little when she talked about her father and he had passed over 40 years before.

You are going through the top three stressors a person can go through - and you are doing it all at once. Be very generous with yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself. The business of managing through a new job and a move will help keep your mind off your loss some of the time.

Do not wallow in the sorrow. Do not take to your bed and cry on Mother's Day, her birthday, Christmas. She would not want it. Live. The greatest way to honor her is to live your life fully. You are headed in the right direction.

I don't know if it will help you, but I do talk to my mom at times. It makes me feel she is close.
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The pain will stop in its own time as long as you don't dwell on it. I saw what happens to people who never get past the pain. In fact, that person lost her mind after losing two close family members within a week. She was already mentally challenged to start with but this really did her in because she was never right since then according to her son. Oh yes, she could have gotten past it, but she never did. I don't know if she ever tried to seek help and just didn't go through with it or just didn't seek help at all but she definitely lost her mind. I'm sure there are other cases like this and maybe this is why so many people say "get over it" when someone dwells on something so long to the point they lose their minds and it interferes with their daily lives. Yes, there comes a time to grieve the loss, that's normal. However, there comes a time to get over it and move on and off the topic. There comes a time to grieve and a time to get over it and move past it by moving forward with your normal life. Will you ever forget? No. You won't forget but you can move past this by remembering the good. Don't end up like my one friend's mom who is now in a nursing home and declining. I saw what happened with her over the years but things didn't really click until much later because there was so much going on behind the scenes that I didn't even know about. From what I heard from her son though, she was apparently continuing to take a medication after she was taken off of it by her doctor. I think it may have been a blood pressure pill, I'm not sure but she started not acting right and the squad came to get her once, they hospitalize her and got her normal only for her to end up like that again and finally into a nursing home because it was just a financial strain if they couldn't get the pills away from her. I hated to see her have to go to a nursing home because she could've had such a better life. Oh how much of her life she wasted because she dwelled on the past and all the good times she missed just because she couldn't get past the pain or chose not to. Had I only known a little more and could've gotten through to her I could have eventually looked her in the eye and told her "get over it" because there comes a time when this is absolutely necessary because sometimes this is the only thing left when all other avenues have failed. There comes a time to grieve, but they're also comes a time when you must move past it and just get over it. Everyone loses people sometime, you'll never get through this life unscathed. What you do with your pain is totally up to you, but there comes a time when no one wants to hear the topic anymore because with some people, They tend to go overboard and run it into the ground, driving people away to the point where people find themselves angrily telling someone to "get a life" and "get over it". Sometimes when someone runs something into the ground, someone needs to speak up and step up to the plate and tell it like it is because no amount of grieving will ever bring our loved ones back. They're gone forever, not even this freezing your body in hopes of being brought back to life later will ever work. I'm sure the person will either be a zombie or the effort won't work. If it does, the person will never be the same again. When it's someone's time to go, it's time to go. When your times up, it's up and nothing anyone can do can bring you back. Therefore, your survivors will just have to grieve the loss for a reasonable time and then get over it, move forward and move on. Death is a reality and will happen to us all someday. We have the chance now to mold the next generation and leave a good legacy behind by time it's our turn. We are all here but For a short time and what we do with our time is up to us. We may want to live forever but heaven is the only place that will happen. We may want the same for our loved ones but we must remember heaven. Of course not everyone will enter heaven, many will end up in hell like it or not. For those in Christ, heaven is their home because Jesus paid it all. All you have to do is believe in him and heaven will be your home, he will not disappoint you. If your love one was in Christ, you can expect to see your loved one in heaven again if you are in Christ. Yes, heaven is definitely real, and there have even been sightings of a city in the sky over some countries. If you look it up, you'll find it by just googling city in the sky and it'll take you right to the article to tell you where it was spotted and over what country and when it was spotted
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My father died 2 months ago, and I was his caregiver.

After having such intense caregiving duties while also working a full time job (from home), it's a huge adjustment.

I'm sorry in addition to your grief, you now have to deal with a move and a job change - that's a lot to take on at once. But caregiving is one tough job - and you did it for 10 years! That takes a person of strength, so you sound like someone strong enough to get through this.

As I now attempt to deal with the grief of losing my father, I find myself thinking of what I went through with my Mom. My mom died 17 years ago, at the young age of 57. Very different situation, but also very painful.

With my Mom, the pain never went away, but it lessened and changed with time. At that time, part of my coping mechanism seemed include making myself very, very busy. Distraction can be good for giving yourself a break from the pain of grief. However, with my Mom I was young, and the pain was so awful. I think I made myself too busy. So this time with my Dad, I'm trying a little more moderation - - keeping busy, but also making sure to find some quiet time to myself for reflection and to let myself grieve.

Perhaps that might help you as well. A move and a new job should keep you plenty distracted. Make some time for yourself - to grieve, to reflect on what you've been through, and what you are now going through. In my opinion, it is equally important to anything else you need to do right now.

Perhaps also do something nice for yourself, something you might not normally do. A massage, a special dessert, a new outfit. Something perhaps you haven't had time to do much in the last 10 years. Even a small comfort and gift to yourself can go a long way. Who deserves it more? :)
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I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Losing a parent is hard especially after caring for them for so long. 
Lost my mom 4 years ago, feels like yesterday. Had to close up the house, give everything away and take dad in, feels like 100 years.
Still miss my mom everyday, cant talk to her like I used to. She was the glue of the family, now the family is splintered. Took quite a while to come to terms with a lot of guilt.
Life is better now though. I think of my mom every day but in a better way that is healthy for me. I talk to her often so that helps. Yes it does get better. Think of the good memories, do positive things that involve her memory. She gave blood, so after she passed I give blood in her memory, I never did before she passed. At least that is what works for me.
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First, I am sorry for your loss.
This is your NEW "normal"
When you started to care for your Mom..that became your "normal" as I am sure caring for her changed what you did, when you did it and your friends changed.
So now you start again.
The fact that you must move...unless you can buy the house and unless it is one you grew up in and have deep attachment to I would suggest you look for something different. It will help you with the full transformation.
If you have been working the past 10 + years other than taking care of your Mom you continue to work in the same field or in something new.
With your skills and what you have learned the past 10 years, if you feel up to it, a job as a Caregiver would be rewarding. I can tell you from experience that a Good, Honest, caregiver is hard to find.
If you have a bit of time a class at a Community College and become a Certified Nurses Assistant (CNA) would also get you better pay.
And there are many Agencies that are looking for Caregivers that are willing to work as "live in" caregivers or over night shifts sometimes are difficult to fill.
I know after caring for my Husband for 10 years I can tell you that I do NOT want to become a caregiver again for quite a while. So this suggestion is not for everyone.

Just know that You did the best that you could.
You kept your Mom home, comfortable and loved.
When I think about my Husband and the thought crosses my mind that I wish he were still here...I remember how the last few years were and he would NOT have wanted to live that way and that he is at peace and no longer in pain and that is is selfish of me to want him here with me.

So this can be a rebirth for you, embrace your NEW "normal".
If you need it please check your local community for Bereavement Support Groups. If your Mom was on Hospice they will have one, a local Church or other place of worship often have them and possibly the local Senior Center.
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If it was a reverse mortgage the house now belongs to the bank. You were not specific about mortgage. Regardless your life is forever changed. If I were you if the bank owns the house, get a new job, a new life and start over again. That's the bad thing about caregiving and all of those years caring for someone impacted your own retirement--if you can get one. Of course you can always marry so when they die you get their social security check (whichever one is greater amount, you keep).
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In time you may have little messages from your mother from heaven ... they may be dreams, a special bird, a flower blooming out of season, a special song playing ... accept these messages, for your mother is letting you know she is okay. Eventually, the pain will ease, and tender memories will take over.
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finding a new place to share your love volunteer learn a skill you have put off because you were confined to the care taking travel and see the places you dreamed of make a new life find love in friends
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I doubt anybody ever gets over the loss of a parent -- but they learn to adapt to it because it's a part of life. The memories will always be there. They can be a source of more grief because you realize those days are long gone and dead and has nothing to do with the present. When it comes to Alzheimer's in many way that person has departed because that person is *not* the same person they used to be. They are like a shell of their former selves. But to finally lose them--that's another difficult pill to swallow called reality. We should mourn for ourselves because we are still here and we have to fend for ourselves with nobody to help us through.  One never feels so alone as to lose both parents and has no cushion to fall on. For the departed, their struggle is over--nobody, nothing, no illness can ever hurt them ever again. Perhaps there is a strange comfort knowing one day we too will be dead -- because nobody escapes it. Perhaps you can also take some comfort knowing you no longer have to worry about that person again. Perhaps there will be nuclear war in a year or two and they are spared. Not us.  Holidays are the worst. Christmas...is gut wrenching. When you cry during the holidays know it's just another day and people die on those days just like any other. The best thing is trash the Christmas garbage and ignore it the best you can.  What is there left to do? Mourn. Yes it does get better because you learn to adapt to it. But you never get over it.
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Are you sure you have to leave the house? This question came up over the weekend and I was told that the person still living in the house generally has the right to remain for the rest of his/her life.

Before you leave (you can't go back) - check out your rights! You might be able to remain in that house for the rest of your life, same as your mother did.

Other than that, I found when I lost my mother, the first Mother's Day was the hardest. It did get easier for me.
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You asked if the pain will stop... It will lessen over time..and the sweet memories will hang on. Try focusing on the good times. Maybe start a journal of them. Unfortunately it will never completely go away but most likely you will feel more at peace about the loss as time goes by. Try to remember every little detail of those good times, especially the times you laughed together. Those are the things that will ease the pain. I just lost my son-in-law 2 months ago...to suicide. Write to me any time. I feel your pain. 💝
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Thank you both
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Please accept my sincerest sympathy. Take small steps. Bless you.💝
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Heartbroken,
I'm so sorry you have lost your dear Mother.
Take good care of yourself now and in the days ahead,Lu
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