Will the pain of losing my mom ever stop? - AgingCare.com

Will the pain of losing my mom ever stop?

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I have been my moms caregiver for over 10 years, sadly she passed away less then two months ago. So many changes so fast, my mom had a revise mortgage on the house so I need to move. I need to change jobs due to am moving more then two hours away. There is a part of me that cant wait to get out of the house but then there is the other part that is making me feel like i will be leaving my mom for good. I feel so confused and empty inside. Will my life ever be normal again? Will the pain stop of losing my mom?

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It took me years to adapt to losing my Mother -- it's been over 14 years since she died and I still miss her tremendously -- nothing will ever replace the loss. As you grow older, you'll have a deeper connection with her --
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So sorry for your loss. My mother has been gone nearly nine years now. We had a protracted goodbye over fours years before she died due to strokes taking away so much. I would share that the pain changes over time, it hurts horribly for a long while, then it becomes something you live with and accept better. But you'll always miss having your mom. My tears still come, however, you reach a point of finding comfort in the happy memories and remembering with more smiles than tears. I wish you the comfort of good memories in the days ahead
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Hopefully you have friends/family that you can lean on during this difficult time. I kept some of my mother's things that reminded me of the unique person she was and what I loved about her. I also visited her weekly and brought flowers to her grave. The need for these things gradually went away as time and life moved on. A new home and job will provide a new distraction and give you some new friends and associates. It's important to take back control of your life. But I still miss my mom 15 years later.
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My deepest condolences go out to you on the recent loss of your mother. There is no time limit for grief. You will get by...think of it as your late mom wanting you to.
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Heartbroken, I'm so sorry about you losing your mom, and I empathize with your broken heart, because I just lost my own mother this past Saturday. The pain is EXCRUCIATING!

I can only tell you from the experience of losing my dad over 20 years ago that it does become less raw. That's not to say it stops hurting, but I guess it becomes less distracting, and eventually (in my family's case, sooner than expected) laughter does start to replace sorrow. But it has only been two short months for you! Go easy on yourself. If it hurts, let it out! Don't deny yourself the natural emotion of grief. Your mother would want you to do that for yourself.

Also, even if it turns out that you're not permitted to remain in that house (do some research on that) and you land somewhere miles away, your mother will always be with you and in your heart. A mother's love is so strong that it can reach through from beyond the veil. Doesn't matter where you go...
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As hollow and confused as you feel; this will pass, slowly. There is no one, other than yourself, that can really help you. You need to find different interests and things to do to get yourself out of the old routine of being at your Mother's side. Follow your best instincts--
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I lost my mom over 6 years ago to cancer. In the early days, I looked at her photo every day and thought of her lots. Now I have newspapers cuttings that I see everyday, and I think of her. I know she is in a better place, she was full of cancer, and I know I wouldn't want to still be barely living. When my roses are looking lovely, I think of her. Yes, time does make it easier, but it is different with everyone. Someone said to me, it will come in waves, you will be doing something, and be instantly reminded of your mom. That happened to me, when I was playing the piano.Those waves comes less now, you learn with move on. It is only 2 months, for a long time your mom was part of your life. Go easy on yourself, one day at a time. The pain does get less, but it does take time. Arlene Hutcheon
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Marie1960, thank you for sharing that. That may be the most accurate description of mourning I've ever heard.
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As for grief, I cried bitterly when my mother died at 64; the same when my dad passed at 84. These events were over 20 years ago. I still feel weepy when I think about them. However, I'm a firm believer in the maxim: "It's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all." Remember how blessed you are to have had a loving parent with whom you could have an adult/adult relationship. It takes time to fill the emptiness left by the void. But it will lessen over time as you replace the grief with remembering all the good times and loving deeds from the past.

About the house: if you otherwise inherit your mother's assets, you are now the owner of record (if it's gone through probate). The bank can only recoup the mortgage money paid out plus the interest that has accumulated (unless the Rev mtge was written differently.) Still, any equity left after the above payments, plus costs to sell, you would inherit. Be sure to see a lawyer before you simply move out and leave it to the bank to get all the equity. My experience with the RM is the banks never allow it to exceed about 75% of the value of the home. They may even allow you to remain in the home to care for it during the selling process, to maximize the value.As a Realtor, I've studied this subject. Abandoning it to the bank will give permission to sell for only what they have in it. Be knowledgeable about the process to protect your own assets. Your mom wouldn't want it any other way!
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Your loss is still very fresh. You shouldn't expect to be "over it" or feeling like your old self (pre-caregiving days) right now. Your mom's passing opened a huge, gaping wound in your heart and soul. Like any wound, it will take time and care for that injury to heal. The difference between this and a physical wound is that no one else can see it - but you can feel it.

It's going to take time - you will never completely get over the pain of losing your Mom - but you will feel it differently. I am nearly a year past my mother's death now, and I can tell you that for the first several weeks, my mind and body tried to follow the same routine I'd followed for the time I was her caregiver. Call Mom. Tell Mom about this or that. Show Mom this picture. It's 5pm, time to go see Mom at the nursing home. I would drive past the nursing home and it seemed my van had a mind of its own, because I would find myself turning the wheel to go into the parking lot. That lasted for a very long time. I was so torn up over her death - it seemed I was always thinking of her.

I still think of her every day, but not every waking moment. Her passing was very sudden and unexpected, and we were left with memories of how terrible she looked in the ER due to injuries sustained when she collapsed and died. But you know...those memories are still with me, but fading. And when I think of her, it's not with so much pain, but with fondness and a smile at something she would have said, or the way she would have handled a certain situation. Some folks say that a red cardinal bird in your yard is a visitor from Heaven. For me, it's blue dragonflies. Mom loved blue - especially brilliant, cobalt blue. I've never seen so many cobalt blue dragonflies in my life as I do now. Every time I am outside, I see at least one, and I don't live near water, where they usually are more prevalent. When I'm traveling, I see one or two. So I really feel like that might be Mom watching out for me or checking on me.

I do still have sad moments, even now - but they pass pretty quickly, and I move on. But it took me several months to reach that point. Don't be too hard on yourself. Give yourself time to heal and grieve. The pain will lessen with time.
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