He is only 52yrs old and only comfortable with only me? I am only 25 years old. He has permanent memory loss from alcohol. He was in navy for 8years but got dishonorable discharge and cant get veteran help because of that reason. He is only 52 and my mother is 56yrs old and needs me to help more but I have to have some income. He doesn't talk to anyone except me and cant be away from me for 2 seconds without finding me. He cant make any choices alone and he cant get health insurance either. I need help

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Sorry for the bluntness but you're being conned. Telling someone "you're the only one for me" is a line used by accomplished liars and manipulators, whether it's alcoholics, men on the make, con artists or whoever.

Your uncle is an alcoholic and was dishonorably discharged. What does that tell you about his level of responsibility?

Who told you he can't get health insurance, and for reason? Under the Affordable Care Act there are more options for people like him.

Unfortunately, your uncle hasn't made good choices in his life and is now suffering the consequences. Do you want your early adult life to be burdened by the results of his bad choices?

If your mother feels he needs care, she can help him.

This isn't Dickensian England. You don't have any obligation to help someone who won't help himself or be bound into servitude.

And if he's still drinking that only compounds the problem. To emphasize your point, make it clear to your mother and your uncle that he needs to get himself to AA, like tomorrow.

I have the sense that they think this is your obligation and won't want to pay you, even if they have the money.

Follow Pam's advice and get out of that situation. Don't let either of them exploit you any more. Even the Navy didn't want him.
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You're too young to do this, just as he is too young. We're about the same ages as when I started to help my dad with my mom. I was age 23 or 24, mom was about age 57. Dad needed help because mom was a handful. He retired early while I had a full time job. When mom reached a stage that required 2 people to handle her, I asked my boss to work part-time. When mom passed that stage, I went back to full time.

My mom ended up bedridden for about 13 years. She finally passed away last year. That means I was caregiving mom for 25 years. The thing is, dad being the main caregiver, we both knew that he would have a major medical problem. We were both running in exhaustion. Mom needed constant suctioning down the trache in her throat or she suffocate from her phlegm. So we were both getting up through the night suctioning.

Dad had a stroke 2years ago and became bedridden. Now it was just me, with a full time job, and 2 bedridden parents. I have 7 siblings and numerous young adult nieces and nephews. No one stepped up to help.

What I'm trying to let you see is that your uncle can last a long time. Eventually your mom will end up needing help too. I'm now age 48 but I was still able to do what I wanted - to travel. If and when my dad passes away, I will still have my job. If this job doesn't last, at least I have a job experience.

If you're determined to do this, remember that when you get to be their age, will you be having some kind of social security benefits? Retirement fund? I think you're too young to do this caregiving full time. I can understand part time but they're expecting too much if it's for full time.

The only way they will pay you is if you insist before saying yes. I'd also have a signed agreement of what your duties are and your hours and your scheduled day off of the week. I'd look into those discussions that Cuz posted for you. I'd also recommend hopping around the different discussions so u have an idea of what you will be dealing with.
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You get a job, and you force them to realize that they need to contact their county social services. You build your own future retirement, SS and health benefits. They are being unreasonably stubborn to expect you to give up your entire life. The only way you get paid is if they pay you, and they won't.
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Hi SValentine89,

There are two great articles written by editor’s that were already posted in our community. We thought this might answer your caregiving question.


“10 Government Programs You Can Access for Your Elderly Parents.”

“How Can I Get Paid for taking Care of My Elderly Parents?”

Information on who to contact in your state.

We hope these help. Please let us know if you need anything else and we look forward to seeing more questions and discussions from you.

Thank you,

The Team
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