I am so overwhelmed with taking care of my critically ill Mom and son (32) who's handicap. Any advice?

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I am so alone. I don't have anyone. I just don't know where to turn. My health is going down hill. I even have thoughts of taking my own life. There is so much more that I could write a book. I am so depressed. That isn't even a strong enough word to describe how I feel. I am single and 53 with NO life what so ever. I am at their beck -n call 24/7. So alone and so miserable. I need help.

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Could you son use services from Easter Seals? I know a lot depends on where you live. Also you may be able to call Social Services and get a counselor who could help locate resources also. Some communities ( not mine, unfortunately) have volunteer groups of retired folks who will come and help with respite, errands etc. Social workers sent by the hospital were great about helping a relative of mine, and I hope they help you also.
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Been at the hospital in and out for days. Everybody who has replied has touched my heart. Thanks you for all of the advice. I know I have to do something soon before I make a very bad decision. Love to all & God bless each & every one of you♥
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"She won't go to a NH. She will make me feel guilty."

Better some guilt than dead.
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There's no such thing as "won't go to a nursing home". While your mother is in the hospital inform the social workers that you will not take her back as you can't provide care 24/7. Don't wait until she's back in your home as it will be much harder to shift her. The social workers will try to get you to take her but stand your ground and plain refuse. I fought tooth and nail with them. Between you you will find a place in a NH for her and she will be taken there by medical transit straight from the hospital.

Of course she'll make you feel guilty, they all do, but you know in your heart she's safe and cared for around the clock. What if, the next time she falls, she breaks a hip or whacks her head bringing on a stroke or has a heart attack? If she were in a NH with 24/7 care that might not have happened. You've done the very best you can and you have no need to feel guilty at all.

Your son must be your first priority. Once mother is settled perhaps you can find a day group he could attend.
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She'll have to go somewhere if there's no one to take care of her..
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She won't go to a NH. She will make me feel guilty. I just have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone for your helpful answers. You have been wonderful and very encouraging.
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Callahan, I have been right where you're at and still am at to some extent.

I know what the dark looks like, feels like, tastes like and smells like. I've been immersed in it, wallowed it, felt the desperation of drowning and dying in it. Yeah. It's not a pretty place, is it? I've felt such extreme fear in the care giver situation that I still have nightmares about it to this day. And yeah, sometimes death seemed like such a beautiful thing. Quiet. Peaceful. No more worries. Silence. And not having to deal with s***. That was the most important thing to me sometimes...not having to deal with anything else, not a single thing and not one single worry. The thought of oblivion was like vaseline on raw, bloody, oozing wounds. Then I'd tell the devil to get the F out of my mind.

Yeah, I've been where you are and I totally get it. But....there's something, that one little thorn in your side, that one little tiny part of you, way, way in the back of your mind that's still rational and sane, that stabs you and whispers danger.

You're there and you're screaming for help from the rooftops. I was there, too. I know what it's like to feel such intense unholy fear and horror at being totally and completely in charge of everything, and totally responsible for another human being's life and welfare and life. I've regressed so badly mentally sometimes. Inside, I'm this lost kid mentally screaming at the top of my lungs for someone, anyone, to help me, to make this all better, to give me the answers to my own salvation. And then you realize that there is nobody. Won't ever be anybody. You're it. You're all you've got. Nobody is going to make all this go away. Nobody is going to make all this better. You're stuck with it and you have to KEEP ON. No matter what. No matter how hard it gets or how sick to death, literally, that you feel. When it comes to the bottom line, you are alone. You're all you've got.

I've begged and pleaded with God to fix it all, make all of this darkness, all of this FEAR, just go away.

Then God puts into my mind again and again and again, only this one thing...He tells me that he gave me a brain and what more do I want? And then He's off going Godly things and that's that. That's the only answer to all of my begging and pleading that I ever get. My God is a good God. But he's a harsh God, too. He gets right to the bottom line and expects you to handle it. Whatever it is.

When that comes to me, I tell myself that it's cool. It's going to be fine. I'm going to create a plan to deal with it all. I'm going to check myself into a psyche ward if I can't get a grip. I promise myself that horror. That if I ever get to the point where I'm willing to step over the edge and off myself, I promise myself that I will call someone to put me in a rubber room.

I would hate that. So, the horror of that scenario nice and bright in my mind, I simply force myself to change the direction of my thoughts. I refuse to listen to that darkness. I make plans. I take a baby step. But take it I do. The alternative isn't an option.

You're going to make yourself call the people, someone, anyone, that can and will help you. That darkness is a lie. You CAN find the help that you need, ALL the help that you need, even if that includes finding alternate arrangements for both your son and your mom. You can visit all you like, do all you do right now, this minute....but you're also off duty half the day. And thank God for it. Guilt? About that, when something, I don't care what it is, is literally killing me? Uh, no. Not about that. Not when I know that staying on that road was a death sentence.

If it comes down to it, where you've gone every single step you can go in trying to help another, and you realize that you just can't SAVE them, you just can't go another step without risking your own life....and this role will kill someone taking care of ONE elderly/disabled person and you're dealing with the needs of TWO...it's definitely time to take care of YOU, come hell or high water.

If you get to a point mentally where you'd literally rather die than deal another second, when it's just too damn much and you're literally sick, feel physically foggy and weak, when you feel like you want to puke all the time, it's time to look out for YOU. One way or the other. No matter what that means. And that's nothing to feel guilty about. We aren't God that's for sure. I don't have that kind of perfect endurance and I never will. I accepted it and did what I had to do for my mom's sake and my own. I took the steps and I made alternate arrangements even though it felt like my guts were being ripped out. I can't find it in my to feel guilt for that much of it.

If somethings making you sick, even your own family, you need to get away from it and deal from a distance. I guess that's the bottom line after all this babble...but yeah...I've been there.
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Yes, use this opportunity to speak to a social worker at the hospital. You won't get a better opportunity.
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Let them know at the hospital that your Mom needs 24/7 care that you can not provide... She needs to be in a NH with professionals who can care for her. You can visit her there, but know she will be looked after and all her needs met..

Take time for yourself.. Hugs..
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Dear Callahan, Talk to the social worker at the hospital about your home situation. Tell her that you just can't care for your mother at home. Sometimes the best thing that can happen in an impossible situation like yours is for the elderly patient to be hospitalized, and then discharged directly to a nursing home. Please, please, use the opportunity to ask for help for your mother and yourself.
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