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Just found this forum and decided to write about my situation. I am an only child and both my parents have Alzheimer's (mother has dementia) my parents were living in their house together until last Saturday. I have been taking care of them for over 3 years, driving back and forth from my home to theirs almost every day. My parents have been married for 57 years! Starting last October, my mother started to get more confused and wanted to go home, (she was already home) my dad would hold her back so she would not leave in the middle of the night. She would get upset and bite him! ( she wasn’t recognizing him) it got worse and I had to put her in a home.


My dad has been a wreck since she has been placed 7 days ago and have been calling me 30-50 times a day! Sometime in the middle of the night!!!! He is depressed and tells me he cannot live without my mother! He is very anxious, sad and sometimes gets mad believing I did not tell him where my mom is! ( I must of told him over 200 times. I have someone going 5 times a week for 4 hours each day + I go every day! He constantly tells me he cannot live without my mom and categorically refuses to live elsewhere but home! Either options he tells me he will die! I am so over my head right now!

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Obviously he needs to be in AL too. Until you stop making up for everything he cannot do, nothing will change, he is not capable of living independently.

Set your boundaries, don't keep answering the phone. He is manipulating you, it is up to you to change, as he will not. He is not going to die if he moves in with your mother, he can't have it both ways, so it is time to stand up to him.

Only you can stop all this craziness! Good Luck!
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Kayla1970 Feb 22, 2020
hello Dolly
thank you for your words of support.
i accept most calls but not all because he becomes extremely anxious if I don’t answer because I am his only support over the phone.
i tell him he has to be strong for my mom but notices that with the anxiety and stress of my mom not being there, his memory last maybe 5 minutes... that is why he calls me all the time... he asks the same questions over and over again. I put up a big cardboard next to the phone to reassure him with all the answers to his questions but he forgets to look at it! I have a big book also where I write everything also but he calls me to validate what is written. Je cannot be placed with my mom because her needs are
different than his . To top it all off he cannot see my mom in the state he is in because I was told my mom needs to get use to her new environment for a couple weeks. She doesn’t mention my dad so she is so far very happy in the new home. She was leaving a lot of stress living with my dad because both having Elzeimer he was constantly on her case about her putting things in the wrong place and although my parents loved each other and I grew up in a very respectful family, with the disease, they had started hitting each other, that is why I had to place my mom. I was told by professionals that it is not a good idea to have them together. It is really a sad situation! Because my mom has just been placed in a home I want to make sure everything is at its best for her and although I take great care of my dad also, I feel restless about this part of the situation.
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Can he be placed with her? Dementia/ALZ is a criteria for NHs.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I hope he can be placed with Mom. Meanwhile do not accept all those calls. Tell Dad you are sorry, but there are not a lot of options. He can stay home and adjust or go with Mom, but there is no other option open to him or to you, and that you do not have time to answer the phone; that you will check in morning and evening with him. There really IS no answer to what happens at the end of life. So sorry. Wishing you good luck.
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Kayla1970 Feb 22, 2020
hello Elva,
thank you for your words of support.
i accept most calls but not all because he becomes extremely anxious if I don’t answer because I am his only support over the phone.
i tell him he has to be strong for my mom but notices that with the anxiety and stress of my mom not being there, his memory last maybe 5 minutes... that is why he calls me all the time... he asks the same questions over and over again. I put up a big cardboard next to the phone to reassure him with all the answers to his questions but he forgets to look at it! I have a big book also where I write everything also but he calls me to validate what is written. Je cannot be placed with my mom because her needs are
different than his . To top it all off he cannot see my mom in the state he is in because I was told my mom needs to get use to her new environment for a couple weeks. She doesn’t mention my dad so she is so far very happy in the new home. She was leaving a lot of stress living with my dad because both having Elzeimer he was constantly on her case about her putting things in the wrong place and although my parents loved each other and I grew up in a very respectful family, with the disease, they had started hitting each other, that is why I had to place my mom. I was told by professionals that it is not a good idea to have them together. It is really a sad situation! Because my mom has just been placed in a home I want to make sure everything is at its best for her and although I take great care of my dad also, I feel restless about this part of the situation.
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Can your Dad's PCP prescribe an anti-anxiety medication? Is it possible to place your father in the same facility (not the same room or wing) so he could eat a meal or two a day with your mother? I understand the break with family to allow someone to adjust, but since your mother is doing fine, you might consider taking Dad to lunch with Mom if you think you could get him to return home afterwards.

Is there an adult day care program available to get Dad out of the house (where he is focused on your mother's absence) for a few hours a day?
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I agree with looking into an anti anxiety agent to help him. Also placement in a different room or wing. I’m so very sorry for what you are dealing with.
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I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much stress. It sounds like you’ve found good care for your mom. It also sounds like your dad needs to move also, I understand that it can’t be with her, but his disease progression is to the point that he shouldn’t be alone. His mind is just racing and he no longer has the skills to cope, I can’t imagine his panic and confusion. You must know you can’t listen to a person with a sick brain saying they refuse to move, he needs care and a safe environment, much like you’ve found for your mom. It must feel impossible when all of this is on you with both parents, I hope you can find him a safe environment soon.
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Place him in a different home, if he can't be placed with her. They never want to leave their home, it's natural to feel that way.
His needs are different from hers and I know it's a lot of work but if you look at both of their needs independently you will probably come up with an answer. Medication is good for the short term also, as it will help to calm him down and easier for you to place him.
If and when your Mom wants to see him, then you can do that, but for now seek Doctors help with your Dad.
Good luck to you. It will take time, but you will eventually have it under control.
Your situation is especially challenging, So sorry.
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Kayla1970 Feb 27, 2020
Thank you very much for your reply!
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Kayla my mother had to go into a NH 5 years ago after a serious infection that left her completely bedridden. My father was ok on his own for a while but he got seriously ill with septicaemia 3 years later and the hospital discharged him to the same NH as my mother. Before that he had been driving in to see her every day until he was forbidden by his doctor to drive and he got other people to drive him in. By the time he went into the NH he was already prone to falls and I wasn't able to manage him on my own. He would get verbally and sometimes physically abusive with me as well.

I still feel very guilty about not being there for them properly even though I see them at the NH several times a week. It's essential to keep an eye on them and make sure everything is ok.

Is there any way in the near future you can place your father with your mother? I know things would not be manageable for my parents if that had not been possible. There are several married couples in the same nursing home each with different issues.

In the meantime see if it is possible to take your father to see your mother once she settles in.

It's very hard doing it all on your own so you need to get as much help as you can and to plan whatever you can in advance.

Good luck.
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Kayla1970 Feb 27, 2020
Thank you! I appreciate your advice!
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Does dad take an anti anxiety med? Best of luck to you. You cannot continue receiving that many phone calls at night.
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Kayla1970 Feb 27, 2020
Hello!

My dad just started on them yesterday. Have have to wait a few days to see if his anxiety goes down. Right now I have 2 ladies that work with People with Elzeimer that go 5 times a week between 4pm-8pm to make sure he eats dinner, takes his medication and have company. I have this service for free for 6 weeks
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(Hugs)), as you said, they CANNOT be together because of the physical violence. He doesn't sound like he is capable of living on his own. See if his doctors can prescribe something to calm him down. The next time he goes to the hospital, tell them he cannot be alone. If they say they will release him anyway. Tell them it would be an "Unsafe Discharge". Those are supposed to be magic words. I haven't had to use them so I don't know.

My heart goes out to you. ((HUGS))
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Kayla1970 Feb 27, 2020
Thank you Kathleen:)
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