Follow
Share

My mom is 88 with the beginnings of dementia.  She has lost her concept of day and night.  $$ on overnight care. I have a full time job and she lives next door to me. I feel so torn, but I want her to be comfortable and happy. I would love for her to be able to remain in her own home. We tried living together, but proved to be extremely stressful for both of us. She is funny and can take care of her own personal hygiene. I would love for her have a companion to take her places and just be there when I cant.



This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
She might have a very good time at assisted living. Send her for a month trial in March. Mom loved it and stayed.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

"Beginnings of dementia" carry a fairly wide range of abilities and behaviors. It isn't long after "beginnings" that a person with dementia just cannot live alone safely -- not while you are working, and not overnight. If not immediately, very soon something will have to be done to ensure that mom is not alone for long stretches of time, and probably not too long after than to ensure she is never alone.

One option for daytime supervision is an Adult Day Health Program. Usually they pick the participant up and return them home. They may offer a simple breakfast and have a hot lunch. Some offer optional services such as help showering, and toenail care. It would be a way to keep have Mom safe and occupied while you work. When you are home, you might consider some kind of electronic monitoring. Ultimately she will need someone in the house with her.

If you can meet her safety needs with her in her own home, I'm all for that! Realistically, even if you arrange for her needs to be met at home now, that may not be sufficient indefinitely (depending on dementia's rate of progression).

You may also want to compare the costs of round-the-clock in-home care vs the cost of an appropriate facility. What can Mom afford? Might she need Medicaid eventually?

Dementia is such a sad, scary, and expensive disease!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I agree with Pam that she might truly enjoy assisted living. This stage where she can still take care of her own hygiene and other needs won't last. She has a progressive disease.

Still, she sounds like she could take advantage of the socialization at this point and that may help her stay more lucid for a longer time. I hope that you'll look around at what is available in your community.
Take care,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Jeanne Gibbs: The last sentence says it all-expensive & costly in all respects.

The Assisted Living option went well for my wife for couple of weeks. Then the question of, "when can I come to our house?" surfaced. After two months time she still asked the same question.

After six months in the ALC, the same question was being asked, so I moved her back home, changed my business schedule, hired an additional employee for business and enrolled her into Daily Living Center thinking all bases were covered. The Daily Living Center was just as you described in their services & care. The only detraction was that there was little interaction & conversation among the attendees after light exercises & simple games.

Then I tried an "Alheimer's-Dementia" 24 hour care center. I found out that it was just an expensive experience.

I have modified my scheduling again, thus allowing me to spend time with my wife in her state of mind. She enjoys getting out of the house, socializing with the elements. No more headaches, no more ear aches, have cut her medications. The down side is that now I am confined much of the time in not having a lot of time for me but I do hire outside help occasionally for a break.

The only thing that I would like to see would be that her 4 daughters (all live within 75 miles) would come to visit, send a gift or even a card. On special days & events I have resorted to buying 4 cards or 4 inexpensive gifts, having people sign each of the daughters names to each card, I even put stamps on cards, carry them to post office to have them sent our house so that my wife does not know that her daughters are not in touch, same thing at birthday & Christmas. I like to see the elated look on my wifes face when I explain who they are from, sometimes she says she remembers & on other times she has no recollection. Under handed? Maybe, but I am the receipent of knowing she might have a moment of recollection. I am blessed.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

If her days and nights are mixed up then you might need to rethink where she is living. Would she go outside in the night ? Do you have any type of alarm system? Is her doctor aware? If she is still a bit self sufficient she might truly enjoy the atmosphere of assisted living.It would give you peace of mind and hopefully some security for mom. If she can get to adult day programs while you work you should investigate that. Churches, community centers and area on aging locations might be a good place to start for resources. Finding a companion for overnight help will be costly if you use an agency. Also check out Adult Foster Care homes as they may have staff that are looking for other employment in their down time. Stay positive!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

yingperson...I hope you know what a wonderful person you are!!! Your spouse is truly blessed. The combination of so many little things adds up to being a super caregiver!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Agree with all above. Adult day care may help for a while. Overnight care can get expensive really fast. I imagine it could be well over $120 per night seeing as visiting angels here in northern Ohio charges $24/per hour with a 2 hour minimum. Maybe theres a slight discount with more hours but alternately there could be added premium for staying over and often those folks -from other people i know have experienced-can end up sleeping on the job.
There are rare cases of night adult care if you live in a large urban area perhaps it's possible.
Like others said - things can change quickly with dementia and can become difficult for a caregiver. not sure what "early stages" means-i wonder -has she been diagnosed?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

yingperson, how wonderful you are to care for your wife as u do. It hurts my heart to hear about your daughters. They dont know what they are missing and God help them if they have children who observe their callus behavior for they may find themselves treated the same way when they are old. Bless you dear man.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

check with your local office of aging for different businesses that offer in-home care if you chose that route. and I agree, it might be okay for now, but down the road your loved one will require more attention and being monitored more often. (I know, my mom did the best she could until my dad could no longer be cared for at home and they didn't want strangers in the house). good luck.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Im sort of in the same position, my mother has dementia and lives with me and my daughter and her husband but my daughter and her husband work, and i got help for my mother a caregiver 7 days straight 6 hours a day her medical insurance pays for it and also the supplies ,incontinence under pants and other supplies, when they are further in the dementia stages they can not be alone at all have to be watched 24/7 ,my mother wander in the night so we have to keep her safe by blocking the doorway at night so she can be safe, i also am trying to get help for her in the middle of night ,right now its pending, my mother has had dementia for a few years now and is getting worse, they get mean and sometimes violent, i cant fully take care of her my self because i have been having problems my self with my feet and so thats why i have a caregiver in the house 7 days a week, so do get your mother help as soon as possible, because it is a safety matter,i will not put my mother in a nursing home because my brother and aunt passed away in the nursing home and when my oldest sister found out that same night about my brother then she passed away .
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

And also my mother turned 89 in January
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don't know anybody who has been happy that they were moved into assisted living (believe me I'm talking a half dozen or so relatives and friends) It is usually less expensive in the long run to hire someone to come in part time. Check out the website care.com I got a wonderful lady for my mother. She moved into our home and was a God send. Her fees were $10 per hour. Also Mother's VA benefits mostly paid her caregiver's salary (which was part time). Was your father a veteran? If so, there's about $1100 per month that might be available if she can be classified as "house bound".
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I agree with other posters that a caregiver @ night may work for a short time, It sounds like she wants to wander. That is a HUGE danger for her and for you. If she wanders, she may come to harm of various types or wander many miles from your home, Not only would you feel guilty, your jurisdiction adult protective services could be activated. For example, one of my clients was found wandering because she wanted something to east; she had forgotten that she had ate an hour earlier. Thus we went from 8 hrs per day to a 24/7 schedule as mandated by the adult protective services. Her son decided to put her in assisted living rather than the hassle of 27/7 care. She was a social person, so assisted living was a good choice, but her care went from relatively expensive to hugely expensive, with a marked decline in the quality of her at the facilty.
If you hire someone overnight, then you need to make sure this person is reliable, knowledgeable about handling her symptoms and can handle a crisis. Some prospective customers believe that they should not pay for a caregiver while she is asleep. They believe the caregiver is not "doing anything." when she is sleeping. However, your wife could have a crisis during the night, You would want a caregiver to be immediately alert and capable of taking charge of the situation, no matter if it is small or a true crisis, e.g. need to go to an E.R. So when you are hiring for overnight care, you need to hire someone who has worked at night. You don't want to hire a caregiver who has already worked a full day at another home or works a day job and then wants to work for you @ night,
Once you find an appropriate person, then treat them well because they are a valuable asset. None-the-less, it might be a good strategy to investigate assisted living facilities, so you will be ahead of the game when the time comes. Some facilities have waiting lists and some are likely to be inappropriate for your wife,
Good luck-you are facing tough decisions,
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

88 and 'still takes care of her own hygiene' ? That's impressive! .... My mother began to confuse day with night about 4 years ago, and we had to 'lose' her car keys. It's been 4 years and she is now in a nursing home because she deteriorated in that time. We kept her in her home as long as possible but she started falling down, defecating on the floor, and didn't recognize her own house she had lived in for 60 years. So she is better off in the nursing home and doesn't even remember her own house. I only mention these things because it's the beginning of the end, dementia-wise, for your mother, and unless you want to use up all the money for in-home caretakers, it might be wiser to explore assisted living where patients are moved to higher levels of care as needed.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

my mother is 89 and still takes care of herself. I handle all her bill paying since my brother and I are both POA. She never handled the bills when my dad was home so I took that over but she sits and chats with me while I do them. I can tell in some small things that she will probably start developing more issues in the next couple of years. she still drives but only to see my dad and to the store so she drives back streets and NO major highways and not when the weather is bad. We have an emergency alert bracelet she wears so for now, my situation is okay. But we had to put dad in NH 2 years ago, dementia/alzheimers and mom could no longer handle his care. good luck
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I thought that about my mom, too - 'oh, she'll only drive a couple blocks to the store in the afternoon.' I started getting calls at 2, 3, 4 a.m. - 'I went out to get a sandwich and the shop was closed! I went to the mall to return a sweater and it was closed! I went to church and it was dark and locked up.' Then there was the getting lost out in the country from taking the wrong turn, at night, missing for 18 hours. So watch out. It's coming.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Way to go Yingperson. Not certain of what the relationship was prior to dementia, but your daughters are missing an important aspect in this thing we call LIFE. I was able to close a lot doors during the 2 years my mother had Alzheimer's, knowing that forgiveness is a gift to me. I hope they come around at some point.
teddybear08: As far as allowing your mom to stay in her home as long as possible, DO IT. You can hire a trained or life experienced person to companion with her when you are not available. Some church's have people that volunteer to do this for free. The ALF and homes are a last resort in my opinion. Your mother is going to be as social as she is right now...these facilities boast about interaction and socialization but it all depends on the person. If my mother in law could have stayed in her home (very bad neighborhood) and we could have paid for in home service, she would be much better off. Instead she has been in and out of ALF's who accept your payment, promise you the moon, and then determine that their ALF home staff cannot possible clean, meal prep, cook, do laundry, and provide the proper "companionship" that the elderly people with dementia need. If you had a 36 hour day, maybe. Don't be fooled by the referrals and advertisements...you need BIG money to receive appropriate/responsive care. There may be exceptions , but they are few and far between. Money talks in this world...LOUD AND CLEAR. Keep your mom in her house as long as you possibly can. And spot check your person, surprise arrivals, little tests that keep you informed of their character and intent. You can do it teddybear08.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

lassie says "and unless you want to use up all the money for in-home caretakers, it might be wiser to explore assisted living where patients are moved to higher levels of care as needed." ALF that are private homes as well as high end ALF's are very expensive. teddybear08, you are going to spend your mom's money one way or another. Obviously as the disease progresses her needs will change and you will then change what will no longer be responsive and appropriate . In case no one has noticed, the USA is far behind in providing for the elderly. MEDICARE & MEDICAID & VA etc. are a litany of tangled rules and lengthy definitions and explanations. A layperson has a better chance at interpreting the Holy Bible!!! And try engaging an eldercare attorney....another huge money racket. Your better of when this type of disease strikes to be penniless, because you soon will be anyway!! And your relatives who do try to care for you are not given any consideration whatsoever from the Gov't.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Teddybear, keeping mom at home as long as it is safe for her should be your guiding force. Not what mom wants but what is best given her budget. If you can afford to hire in home care by all means do so. A private personal assistant for living that can be there when you are not would be great. Your best choice in terms of cost would be a live in since part of salary could be room and board. Then you could set a schedule for day are time when they would be off duty to care for own needs. Be sure to pay a living wage and you will find this works out well for all involved. Care does background checks and even handles payroll. If mom has dementia there will come a time when she needs someone with her 24/7. As others have mentioned dont wait to late to provide that level of care for her. Since you live close you can oversee things but someone does need to know where she is at all times. I wish you the best on your journey you are not alone.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

It would be less expensive at this point in time to hire someone to stay with her at night. Going into an assisted care facility requires (in most cases) an upfront fee, then there is a first and last month's rent, before you move in. You could get an agency to screen people for you, then hire two on a split shift. I worked with another nurse who came in at 7 a.m. - 3 p.m. when I took over for the rest of the day/night. I slept at the woman's house and took her dog for walks, cooked dinner and then was relieved at 7 a.m. by the other nurse. I worked for Kelly Assisted living, so just find an agency you prefer. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

There's a new treatment for Alzheimer's dementia. What type of dementia does she have? This treatment has info at the following web site. asons.
(Source: alz.website) As for immediate need, check out care.com. I got Mother's caregiver there. They are a referral service and do not charge a fee other than $25 to join. They also offer background checks (which I highly recommend). I paid her caregiver $10 per hour Some agencies charge $8.50 for nights.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

sherry1anne, there's a new treatment for Alzheimer's? That sounds very interesting, but that web site is not found on alz.org. Could you talk about the new treatment a little more?
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

NPH or Normal Pressure Hydroencephalus is diagnosed by a neurologist and is very rare. Although it has dementia-like symptoms (memory) the illness is in most cases is cured with surgery relieving pressure on the brain. Still, there is NO NEW treatment for dementia. It is still a terminal illness with no known cure.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Hire her a companion caregiver. Private pay would run about 13.00 average, companies charge much more. If you need someone there at night you might consider a live in that way room and board are part of pay. as mentioned by someone else is a great site to work with. I was hired by a family from that site several years ago. Keep her at home as long as you can and as long as it is safe for her.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The treatment is for NPH (as Ferris 1 suggested) should be diagnosed by a neurologist. It could be that, NPH, rather than Alzheimer's (which I found our first hand is a catch term used by even the best doctors and neurologists for most dementia. I won't go into that diatribe with what happened with Mother. I included the web site, but it was deleted on this site. Please send me a private message if this doesn't come through.
ivanhoe.
And here is another one that is about an implant to fight Alzheimers. sciencedaily.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter