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Check with your counselor before calling APS. If they perceive that you are a good daughter trying hard to help but mom and dad both resist, plus sister is causing the medication problems...but some people have found out that APS does not step in until things are much worse. Who is doing the home visits now, and what is their assessment? Does the agency have a social worker who could try to have a family meeting, and/or is there an authority figure your sister might trust enough to listen to?
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I don't suppose you want to change companies to a home health one because does sound like you work for just a home care one that doesn't have a nurse and wonder if the home health one knows that; if not, they should, but if that's the case, then, yes, they wouldn't have a nurse to send or be able to; to get a nurse, I believe you would have to change agencies but they should still have positions like yours that you could still do
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You seem so patient. What comes to my mind is to try to ignore the others more. Do the same as you're doing and make that one change. Do it gradually, but increasing each day how much you ignore and tune them out. Get to where they don't really exist (since they don't exist in any helpful way). In reality, it will not work, but to a small extent, I think it will, and it will be a step in the right direction for how you feel. Nothing will have changed except your perception of them (loud but silent, messy but not there, rude but invisible). If it works a little, make it work more. That's my thought. Make the time in the house more like the time driving- there's no one else and there's peace. You can interact one-on-one with your parents, and that's what you value, so you've got it.
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I am going to see how this all plays out and start with APS. What I want is some peace in the home for the elders. What I also want is to stay employed with flexibility in my schedule for a lot of reasons. I really do want to be with my parents until the end. Before getting this job I could only make it down maybe three times a month if I were lucky.

When sister got approved for disability, she contacted the agency and said she was leaving the paid caregiver role. I had to undergo a background check, get finger printed, and they contacted previous work references. They do home visits to see how things are going every couple of months or so.

Yes, my sister was the paid caregiver for three years. How she found out about the program I have no idea. I say because she was more of a social butterfly than myself and just knew people. We are in a rural area, so they do allow family members. Right now I have not asked to be relieved of my position. I have only asked about a nurse to handle medication.

Mom was having a lot of falls back then and they were all over the place with diagnoses. They were thinking she was having seizures and black outs resulting in falls. The last fall before I took over left mom with a limp because of a fracture that was missed. I do not know if sister ever got a diagnosis of dementia.

However, I do think something is there because she will often ask the same things over and over. To not make either of us feel bad I will answer her like things have never been asked. When she had her EDG about two weeks ago, she did not recognize me when she started awakening. She kept asking me who was I and did I know her home town. I can say that she has not reached the point of some readings I have found here.

I do not know why our problems cannot be resolved without intervention but it seems to be headed in that direction. Another example, my family here and my parents attended church yesterday. We had enjoyed the service. We get to my parents home, to do my thing and serve them dinner and would you know it, a roach ran across the floor while I was helping them set there meds for the next week. Dad went into a tailspin. I am so sick of this you know. The lazy you know still back there in bed and it is two o clock. They do not want to do you know. I was cutting grass and the lazy you know not a one would come and do the weed eating for me. If I fall dead outside they would never know.

Than by that time mom goes to going off singing to the top of her voice and yelling saying those that are living there do not have to do a thing because they are so helpless. Saying my family and dad are going to hadeas for asking others to help. The more my husband and I would ask them to quiet down, the louder they got.

Thanks so much you all for the suggestions and listening. I have made an appointment with my mental health counselor and really I do not want to talk about this anymore because it makes me angry and sad that we cannot work together as a family. But then families do not seem to be families anymore.
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You are not overreacting. This is not good for anyone. Too much insulin can be deadly much faster than too little. It should be given per doctor's orders or by sliding scale. Your sister is behaving very dangerously, albeit probably with good intentions, and it is probably time for a family meeting, guided by someone from the agency or a social worker, to get people on the right page. Roaches are as likely to aggravate asthma as anti-roach chemicals are, individual sensitivities would make the difference there. I think you have to have some level of concern that a Health Dept or APS investigation would begin to consider the bad conditions a form of neglect.
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I'm just wondering though if you'd want that or just out of the whole thing completely; don't see how or why sister would resent you getting paid if she's getting her disability; don't quite understand how that led to you notifying - what company - the home care agency you're working for? what did her getting on disability have to do with it? was she doing it before? is that what happened? she'd rather be on disability? why is your mom eligible for services anyway, especially if she hasn't even been tested for dementia? and how did whoever got this started come to do it?
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You had wonderful intentions when you entered into this but it sounds like the situation has become impossible. I will echo what Garden artist said. I know your Mom has said she will not have a stranger in to help, so did mine, but my Mom changed her tune when we refused to do the work of the home aide and she had little choice.

If you stop working at your parents the agency might very well give you another assignment so you would still have work and then you could visit your parents as a loving daughter and not the hired help. I wish you all the best. This must be awfully hard.
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This is going to be tougher than tough, but it may be your only salvation.

Convince Mom and Dad that they need to move to Assisted or Independent Living. AL sounds more appropriate given their health issues.

Sell the house to pay for it. Investors will even buy houses in bad condition so that they can "flip" them. Don't worry yet about repairs. This will require kicking the freeloaders to the curb.

If necessary, apply for guardianship of your parents. It isn't cheap and it isn't easy, but the reward will be that you will have the power to do the above.

Best wishes and I don't even know how you sleep at night.
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I got in this situation because my sister that lives there decided she was going to apply for disability and she won her case. We notified the company and they were going to send out someone. Mom said she absolutely did not want anyone unrelated in her home and that if another family member would not do it, then she would just have no one. All female family members got asked. My other older sister did not want the job and my three sister-in-laws declined the offer. Being between jobs, silly me was excited about the job offer and said ok. Everyone else was like ok great. I figured I needed the income and I would get to spend more time with parents, which is something I had wanted to do for a long time.

But little did I know that I would get fought on everything and being constantly in a war zone. I have been at this for a year and a half now and things are escalating. Not only have I been doing it with my parents but I was also a non-paid caregiver for my mother-in-law (passed away nine months ago) and grand-mother in law (a little over a year ago). Helping hubby.
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sounds good but I'm curious as to how you got in this situation in the first place; was this one of those cases of you got hired by the agency somewhat specifically to take care of your mom - would you even want to do this for somebody else or just get another type of job somewhere else?
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Thanks so much for the explanation. This really does sound like a difficult situation.

Before I even read your thoughts about another position, I was thinking perhaps the best thing to do is ask the agency to find another position for you and another caregiver for them. It seems there's just so much friction in the family, and that's interfering with your ability to provide necessary and proper care.

I think it may also be that others in the family resent that you're getting paid while they're not. That actually may be the crux of the issue.

I would discuss this situation with my supervisor and suggest that you're not able to provide the high level of care you want to, and which you know the agency wishes to provide (a little stroking helps), because of the family dynamics, and you think it would be better if someone unrelated assumed your position.

Good luck; this sounds like a very difficult and unpleasant situation, and certainly not much help to anyone in the family.
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My contract does not allow medication administering. The only thing I do is help them setup their pill box every week. I got both parents a pill box after seeing mom try to take a second nerve pill within seconds of taking the first. She forgot she had just taken one. She forgets to take her dose at night. Dad tries to remind her to only get his head bit off.

What I mean about meds showing up out of the blue is this. Before I started bringing the meds home, I would place them in a storage bin. One week all meds are there to setup pill boxes and then the next week a prescription is missing. Then after I pitch a fit, the following week it is back. The pill box for the week is placed in a zip lock where the parent starts the day. I bring home all meds now since they were disappearing.

Last month, dad called me late one evening and asked me did I place a prescription bottle in his zip lock bag and that the pills looked like antibiotics. I told him no and asked him where did they come from. He said he had no idea because they were not there the day before. I asked him to not take any of it and to hold the bottle until I got there the next day. And sure enough it was an antibiotic prescription given Feb. 2015 but had never been taken.

Dad has also been dealing with swollen ankles. The pulmonary doctor thinks it is due to his emphysema and his heart doctor says all things are good there. So of course one night, here goes the phone and I tell dad we will take a look tomorrow and to elevate feet like doctor says when this happens. So the next day sister says I gave him a gabapentin. I told her hubby takes that for nerve pain. I looked up the prescription online and gave her a printout. She argued all of us down and threw the paper on the floor. I have been trying to get them to memorize what the pills look like and the color also because once again sister keeps getting them confused.

I am the paid caregiver aid for my mom. The things I get paid to do are things like you do in nursing home I guess you could say like bathing, hair, dressing, cleaning, community participation, meal prep, etc. This is a state program so I guess you could say the agency gets paid by the state (Medicaid) and then they in turn pay the aids. Since I do all of this stuff for mom, I also try to do the same for dad. The training we have received so far is on how to work around bodily fluids, proper cleaning, etc.

I am having a hard time right now being a daughter and a caregiver with the constant bickering and yelling and all the other stuff I have mentioned. I have talked to mom last week telling her I do not know how much more I could take and that I was considering talking to the company and asking them to send out someone who is totally unrelated so that they can see exactly what goes on there and that there would be no protection. I have a forty-five minute drive to and from and the energy of the home drains me more than the drive.

Family meetings are out. I have talked to all other siblings (seven) and none come to help with anything unless they think money is involved. As a matter of fact, when I got into a frank talk with my sister that lives there about how she talks really bad to parents in the home, one of my other brothers called me at home talking about taking me out. And I am not talking about dinner. Because she is the one who chose to stay home with parents, blah, blah.

Mom says we are kicking people when they are down. And that part of letting people come back home means that they do not have to help keep the home clean, they do not have to pay any bills, they do not have to help keep the peace, they do not have to put gas in the car when he halls them around and that he should be ashamed of himself for asking anything. Dad has a totally different view as well as me and so we constantly get shown hate.

That is just the thing, now that I am paid caregiver all I constantly hear from family is that is your job. But yet when I go to do my job, I am getting fought on and sabotaged. They also get angry if I buy a meal for parents but do not bring enough for everyone in the home. Now granted I bring enough for everyone sometime but I cannot afford to do it all the time.

So that is why I have started looking into the nurse. I wanted someone to come in to help at least with the meds. My company said to contact home health. Home health said they could not just send a nurse for mom because she is already under a company and they would have to do everything.

I also was trying to find a way to get rid of the free loaders. Start helping more or leave but not sure if I can do anything.
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You sound like you are going 100 miles an hour without catching a breath. Breath. If you are the one who is supposed dispense the medications, lock them up, hide the key. If someone else feels they want to be part, then include that one other person and do it together. Composition book or log book to show what time and day the meds were given, have both of you sign it and acknowledge it. If someone wants to make appointments, then schedule it with that person and tell them that they can take mom or dad to that appointment as the other parent cannot be alone. Schedule a weekly meeting with all siblings in the house or whoever lives there.
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I'm confused about the medication issue. Who is responsible for administering the meds, and why aren't the prescribed meds given as ordered? How does something show up "out of the blue"?

I'm also confused on your status as a paid caregiver for one your parents and another elder through an agency. You don't live there, but you come there to provide certain services and the agency pays you? Who pays the agency for your services?

I'm assuming also that you have some training as a caregiver, as a condition precedent to being hired by the agency? I'm also concerned because I sense a certain detachment from being the daughter to being the paid caregiver, somewhat of a bifurcated role and approach.

And if I understand correctly, you care for your father, but not your mother? Does anyone care for her, or is she what you consider part of the resistance problem?

This is a complex situation and I really don't know of anything that would help, but I am concerned about the living situation.

Beyond all the friction and negative family dynamics, there are the issues of erroneous medications being taken and the house is obviously unsafe and unhealthy to live in. Regardless of your concern about the family being "kicked out", from your description I would think the concern would be more about the health ramifications of living in such a situation.

My suggestion would be to notify APS and force a cleanup of the house, for starters. The family also needs to decide who's going to handle the medication and caregiving. And whoever is not needs to accept that. So the family really needs to sort out who's going to be responsible for specific tasks.

I get the impression the family isn't together on anything, and if that can't be overcome, I don't know how this situation is going to work at all.

If you're being paid as a caregiver, and dispensation of medication is included in the contract or whatever retention agreement was signed, the agency would I think have liability if the meds aren't being dispensed properly. Yet I get the impression from your post that the agency doesn't want to get involved. This I can't understand.

Perhaps I'm the one who's confused?
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