Over reacting or cause for concern? - AgingCare.com

Over reacting or cause for concern?

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I am the youngest daughter and also the paid caregiver for one of my parents. As the paid caregiver I provide care for both elders. eighty one years old. I as well as my husband am very frustrated with my working condition as well as the living condition of the elders. I love my job but the people in the home are making things very difficult. Now that my husband mother and grandmother have passed he tries to help me with my parents.

My husband and I may be too close to the situation. In this home are the two elders my older sister who has been there forever a younger brother moved back home coming up a year ago four nephews all grown except the one that is visiting for summer and a niece.

So please let me know if we are over reacting. If not please let me know of options.

Dad got diagnosed with severe emphysema this year with one third lung capacity and is on twenty four seven oxygen. He also suffers with diabetes, constant swollen ankles, and male problems. Dad is taking too much insulin. We come up with a number that seems to be working and then older sister comes and says no take this much and then he can hardly function. Mom has her share of problems as well including asthma and we think Dementia. But guess what no one else has time to help with all the doctor appointments. Now want me to find a doctor for mom and have her tested for Dementia. I am just finishing up all the other appointments.

Some things are becoming more and more frustrating. For one medications are being given that parents have been taking off of because of stomach problems like BC powers. Or because it bothers prostate like flexeril. They are being given medications that do not belong to them. Given Gabapentin for swollen ankles by sister. I have lost count of the others. My husband takes these and even when I look this up online it is for nerve pain. This is not to count prescription medication that showed up out of the blue. Antibiotic prescribed way back in February suddenly shows up last month.

Same issue mentioned in February 2015 is still taking place now. Dad and I had gotten the roaches to die down. But I swear now they are feeding them because they are back in full force. So dad sprays and mom and sister pitch a fit talking about their asthma. Every room is still full of junk and the hallway is still full of junk and the ice box is still full of junk. Dad and I still try to make progress but then we get to get yelled at and sworn too. I clean the bathtub for them to take baths and what do I have the pleasure to see. Cannot use this plate because it is mine cannot use the washer because it is my washing powder and cannot use the air freshener after they make a funk because the air freshener messes with their asthma.

I leave food so they do not have to wait and it does not get served. At times I think it is thrown out after I leave because the elders cannot find the coffee I left or the food.

No help with the household chores and no help with paying the bills. Dad runs them all up and down the road at every beck and call. At his expense out of what is left after I pay out all the bills. And if he refuses he catches heck and then we get to hear the drama.

I am so tired of the drama my husband thought he would get rest from the drama after his mom passed but hah. Thank God I get to go home but I am afraid dad is going to stoke out or have a heart attack and die from something we do not expect to be of his demise. But as younger brother says if mom pass they will cry but when dad pass no one will cry and they will dance.

Not to mention it is summer time now. The air up front is not working very well so I have to ask my brother to open up the room where he sleeps to let air circulate and this always ends up confrontational.

So last week I called to see if a home health nurse could be sent out to at least monitor parents and their medication. They said mom could not have a paid caregiver and a nurse. But I do not see what the problem would be with someone coming out for dad. I am going to pose this question again tomorrow.

I have tried reporting this med issue with my company so that it does not come back on me but they wanted no parts of making a report let alone hearing about the issue. I have also considered the aging counsel but do not want to lose my job or be on the outs with family because they may kick them all out because of the mess.

Doctor also mentioned things to watch for with dad and his emphysema. Like at this point he cannot stand to catch a cold have the flu or pneumonia. And that if any of this happens including cannot catch his breath to get him to the nearest doctor or emergency room. They all just keep saying oh we did not know as if I need to send them all certified mail.

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Just reading back from the end a little, not caught up, but it looks like you've had a lot of changes in the positive direction. I've only been away from the posts for two weeks, so this is what it seems like to me- lots of things are better. Just keep going. You've gotten most of the control, and you have good expectations.
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I've been away. Just read of the slight improvement. That's great! That's big! You got behavior changes from both of them. Don't give up.
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Ok.
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{If possible could you get her out of the house for a week and get in a cleaning company to deep clean?}

Believe it or not, mom has started to help. Sister on the other hand is still being an evil troll. We throw out empty drink cans from under the counter, and she replaces those with more or picks them out the dumpster outside. The dining area we had gotten cleaned up. However, she is proceeding to line the wall again with stuff. The only plus is at least this time the stuff is in plastic bins. She has locked down one of the back rooms trying to keep us from touching it at all.

Other than that, I'm ok.
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Just checking back on your own welfare, Answry.
EXTRA GRACE REQUIRED ALL AROUND.
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I have to say that having read all of this there is grave cause for concern specifically around medicating/doctor's appointments. I think prehaps although not something I would necessarily want, the best thing would be to have independent care and a guardianship for both parents. That would take the familial emotion out of the situation. They guardians can apply to the courts to prevent others that may be abusive from living there. When I say abuive I mean abuse of medication - ie not giving them the required medication at the right time and disposing of no longer used medicine back to the pharmacy whence it came. And abuse of finmances by staying there but not financially contributing or contributing in kind. And finally yelling or threatening your poor old dad is abuse too. Then on to the house. If possible could you get her out of the house for a week and get in a cleaning company to deep clean? Then your role would be to keep it all together and stop the demise back to the old routine for dust mites and insect faeces are really dangerous to asthmatics.
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so now what?
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I am glad you all gave me some advice and it all will be implemented. Mom test results came out good. She still has the leaky heart valve thing and small blockage. However, doctor says normal for her age range.

While we were waiting to go back, I told dad once we were finished I wanted to take mom to pick out an outfit for her birthday which was Monday. We were going Monday but she said she did not feel well. He very huffy said he did not have time. I mentioned to him that I had asked him about that as soon as I arrived at doctor office. He finally confesses that he had to hurry back because sister had an appointment with physical therapist. Mom then goes she (sister) told me that it was cancelled because she (sister) did not feel well. Dad goes well she told me to hurry back.

I got on cell and was about to call home until mom goes you should be able to get through because brother is home. I go what? She goes he said if he could not come back he would not be able to go to work because he will not have a place to stay. Then Dad goes I wish I could do more for my children and anyone that wants to come back can come back as long as they start to help me/us more. I did not argue. I did not get sad. I did not cause a commotion. I just walked downstairs until mom was called in for results.

Funny you do not have a place to stay or any money but during the commotion last week you had enough money to pay someone else to stay for a few days.

I was also going to feed them before heading back and have spouse check out his car because he had trouble this week. But no, he did not have time. As soon as he gets home he calls begging hubby to call around for a battery because the car died as soon as he got on porch. Hubby said he told him yes but then hung up and thought about our conversation after getting the news about brother already being back. He says it was the hardest thing he ever had to do because he never want to tell my parent no but he called him back and suggested to him to use his available resources (the people he has allowed to stay and come back).

Well, you all said this would happen. I had a feeling it would as well because the last 8 siblings and grand-adults have a knack of poor mouthing as they say.
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ok, so sister who will tell that appointments have been cancelled when they haven't is still there, hm....she has a son yet has never left home - their house? wow; guess it's somewhat of a surprise that her son even did; what's his excuse for needing a place to stay or does he just think there's room for him now; it's his now, now that everybody else has been kicked out and why does other sister think who needs to be there? thought she wasn't being involved anyway....okay, so, now that all them are gone, you're still mom's caregiver yet having to deal with this sister; glad you could at least find out she wasn't telling the truth; what did your mom think about finding out her appt. wasn't cancelled or did she even remember being told it was? I am glad to hear about your mom laughing; would have loved to have heard that about or from mine.

Who do all these "grandadults" belong to, any of them to that sister that's calling now? why weren't they being raised by their parents? although, having said that, that's what my parents would say about theirs, although not strictly true, at least not in the sense of since small but, answry, something apparently you don't understand is this is the only way they know - your mother taught them they were entitled to this; they don't understand repay the way you apparently do - how'd you get to be different, from your dad, somewhat I get, but were you the only one who went your dad's way?

Do you go with your parents to the doctor as their daughter or your mom's PCA? in other words, do you get to count it as PCA time? If you didn't go, would you be able to know from your dad what went on? what did he think about finding out her appt. wasn't cancelled and being told it was?

Does your mom's heart doc have anything to say about her weight loss?

20 pop cans under cabinet and yet weight loss - didn't you say your sister's been giving them - him? her? more insulin than they're supposed to get? you know that's more dangerous than their sugar being too high, right?

Do you think your dad will tell sister/daughter that about grandson or do you think he'll let him come? especially if he belongs to the daughter that's there. and then what if he does?

And I truly cannot believe he gave up a bed and bedroom; for all that my dad did somewhat the same thing, that's one thing he didn't do; as a matter of fact, that's when we knew something was really wrong with dad, when he started sleeping on the couch

I hope so, too, now let us know how the doc appt. went today
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The chaos of a dysfunctional family is toxic to one's health. There is one way to fix this, and that is to walk away without contact. Otherwise, you are part of the problem. When you are gone, things will be figured out. You just cannot be of help while enmeshed in chaos. My concern would be for your own health and safety at this point. Look around you: Are you the only one "caring too much" while others are sabotaging your efforts? Look around again: Who has the puffy below the eyes, is sleeping too much, has erratic behaviors, and may carry a backpack and keep it close? That is the person who knows the funny business with the meds. JUST GET YOURSELF FREE.
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