Can an outside person get help for a person who has dementia but the son doesn't wan to get her help?

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She's left alone while he goes to work We don't know if she's being feed properly because she has lost so much weight. He(the son) appears to be a little off but able to maintain a job. I've noticed she has burnt marks on her arms. She really need to be in a care facility and medication.I'm really afraid for her.

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ah, yes...the old "denial stage"..went through that with mom too. She still denies that anything is wrong with her. It's hard when one realizes (and she does) that something is VERY wrong because usually that leads to them losing everything ..life as they have known it for so long....freedoms, etc. Nobody likes change or losing their freedom. They know this, they've seen or heard of it happening to others. Mom STILL thinks she drives and she hasn't for over 15 years. I used to try telling her the truth. ...you have Alzheimer's, here, I'll read about it to you. Then, she would get mad and grab the material out of my hand saying, "I don't have THAT, YOU DO!"...lol It's the fear factor. But as they get older and the Alz takes its toll..they begin to slowly realize that they DO have something wrong. Mom used to say...."Shhhhhh, don't tell anybody I have that"..while we were in the nursing home at an activity and I'd say, "mom, everyone in here has it". She'd feel better then. The other day when I was at the NH using their salon to color mom's hair, a man was sitting and waiting for his wife's hair to be done. He started talking to mom and asked her how old she was. She told him she was 35. I corrected her and said, "mom, you're 75 and I'm 54, remember? You had me when you were 21. She said, "yea, but I don't tell people all that". lol That was a complete sentence she made. Those don't happen often. Usually she is talking about nonsense...things that don't make any sense at all. ...like birds with keys to the car or...somebody didn't shoot us good enough, etc. I just keep driving or keep walking with her..whatever. It is sad. I'm SO glad I got the DPOA before it got really bad.
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teachergear1~I thank you so much for that suggestion and I don't want you to feel I am pooh poohing on that suggestion. It's just that my mother also has a paranoid personality disorder. Back in February she started a kitchen fire by heating up vicks vapor rub in a pan. It caught the range hood on fire with limited damage. My sis and I went to her doc and told him what happened. He said he would have the girls in his office call mom saying the doc wanted to go over some things with her (tests that haven't been done in a while). So sis took her in to doc (the appointment was so he could get a current memory test on her). When they started the memory test, mom was failing badly and knew it, so she threw a tantrum, refused to complete the test and walked out. The doc tried to calm her down and do the test in a sneaky way but mom refused to answer his questions and started accusing my sis and me of trying to put her away. The doc did all he could but legally we can't force her to do anything against her will and a doc can't either. It is so very frustrating but without a test to show she is incompetent we are stuck. I went to see her doc again yesterday and he told me that he can certify her incompetent without going to a neurologist but he said she will not allow the test to be administered. He advised me that we will have to call Adult Protective Services in to evaluate her because they CAN force. Sis and I are going to see an elder law attorney before we do that because we don't want the state assigning a guardian when our DPOA covers all that once she is certified incompetent. We want to follow mom's wishes that she set forth before Alzheimer's took over where a state appointed guardian may not do that and just place her in a NH. She has a long term health care policy that will cover home health care but she needs to be evaluated before it can be used. She can still clean her house, make simple meals, feed her dog, and take care of her hygiene so I don't believe she is ready for a NH. If she wasn't paranoid I could do what you did with your mother. She will go to the doc for other things but if they start asking her things like what year is it, draw a clock, etc. she refuses to cooperate with them.After the appt. with the elder law attorney, we will know more about what authority APS has and if they can take from us the ability to keep her at home for another year with home health care under her policy. It may be that we are just not going to continue and have the state take over because of her refusing to cooperate and her doc said as much when I talked with him yesterday. Thank you so much (btw, i posted a thread about guradianship vs. conservatorship and AC posted links to a couple of their articles regarding it).♥♥♥!!!
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Before when mom refused to go to doctor, I would just ask her if she wanted to go shopping or to some store. Then, I'd drive directly to the doctor. She'd get out and go in and we'd sit and wait. She'd already forgotten that I told her we were going shopping so it worked out well. Maybe you can try that to get her to the neurologist...OR if she complains about another ailment...ANYthing at all...tell her, "Let's get you to the doctor and get that taken care of"...then take her to the neurologist. I learned to be very sneaky with mom but it always worked.
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Unfortunately my mother also has a paranoid personality disorder along with Alzheimer's. She does not trust her family because HER family of origin were completely nuts and she transfers that to us. In california, to get a conservatorship (guardianship) you have to go to court and prove that the person is incompetent. The court will have them evaluated and if the court agrees the conservatorship trumps any DPOA. My mother's attorney has written everything so than when my mother becomes incompetent, we will automatically have a conservatorship without petitioning the court. My father passed from Alzheimer's so my mother knows how it works. A neurologist is needed to diagnose her and she knows that...so she refuses to go. But she can't handle her finances anymore. I'm at a loss as to what to do.
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Mom's doctor told me ...after an evaluation that she needed a DPOA unless we wanted SS to find a guardian for her...a stranger. She believed her doctor, thank God.
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My mother signed the DPOA 7 years ago when we found out she had Alz. She knew as I had told her all about the disease and I asked her who she wanted to care for her....she already knew the answer b/c my siblings have never cared for her nor do they even see her or call her on ANY occassion. I'm the only one who has ever taken care of her, take her out dancing, to visit relatives, shopping for clothes, shoes, etc. We did this for $25 at an attorney's office. I'm in KS.
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Maybe it varies in each state. I have DPOA but cannot use it until my mother is certified incompetent. She can't handle her finances any longer, refuses to see a neurologist my hands are tied because I cant legally force her to do anything against her will. I am going to go to her dr. again to see if we can do anything other than call APS to have her evaluated.
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I have been mom's DPOA for over 6 years. I make all the decisions as to which doctor she will see and when. I also take care of her financial responsibilities. I have done this for over SIX years. When I gave it up, nobody else in the family wanted the responsibility and SS told me that first they would ask other members..my siblings and if they refused then they would get a guardian. Social Security hires the guardian and the guardian gets PAID BY SOCIAL SECURITY each month for his/her "duties". I then found out that her guardian was keeping the 60 dollars per month mom is allowed for clothes, shoes, etc. So, I went BACK to Social Security and told them to get rid of the guardian and I will continue being her DPOA. I did this all MYSELF without an attorney. DPOA trumps guardian. Not sure how many times I need to say this.
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My DPOA covers both financial and medical decisions for the patient..my mom. As I mentioned before, I have been through this. See above post right before yours sharynmarie.
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A guardianship is court ordered and if it covers both financial and medical decisions for the patient, then a guardianship overrides a DPOA. It is the same as if you went to court for a guardianship for a minor child. All decisions are made by the person who has guardianship unless the "court" revokes it.
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