My out-of-state sibling and her daughter trying to involve themselves in my Dad's medical affairs. Any advice? - AgingCare.com

My out-of-state sibling and her daughter trying to involve themselves in my Dad's medical affairs. Any advice?

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My dad put me as his poa for everything the social worker and nurse want to set up a meeting with other sisters and brothers so we're on the same page about my dad's care. Most of them don't care but one has, a problem I don't really need to have any sit down with them it would be against my dad's wishes since he wanted Me To TAKE Care Of Everything IN THE First place

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I think it's hard to know, in this situation. In a "dream" family where people are reasonable and generally get along, keeping everyone up-to-date would be a good idea. Where people are fighting, it's not always useful. It is sometimes both time-consuming and fruitless.

It's hard to be able to give advice on whether to involve people or just to "tell" them by giving them updates. If they're not going to have a say in things, it might not be a good idea to do something that gives them the impression that they're going to now have input.

Why is it that the social worker and nurse are doing this, though? I haven't run into anyone telling me they've had this happen to them and I do know other caregivers who are in a situation similar to yours.

You have to decide but quite possibly you'll end up just telling the social worker and nurse, "No, we're not doing that." Be prepared to calmly explain why not if that's the direction you take.

Bottom Line: Where one person gets all the responsibility dumped onto them, they should be allowed to keep people up-to-date however is most convenient for them. Period.
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Sunny, they want to know dad's condition. One sis has POA for my mom, yet most weeks only sees her for a few hours. I provide all of the care. This sib is also planning on placing Mom in a facility this summer, yet will not share details of the plan with me or Mom's hubby. She absolutely refuses to have any discussions regarding Mom, even with mom's hubby!

It would help a very difficult situation if sib would be open. Just as it could help to be more open with your sibs. Maybe they just want to help in some way.

My situation is that I have Mom's hubby's POA. They have been married for just over 8 years. I used to give my sibs information about his health and other things going on. But, I have stopped that because one sib in particular was always exaggerating what was said. Now I only tell his daughter about his health issues. You see, my sibs just want both in a facility together. Why a year and a half ago sibs paid a reservation fee for the two of them to share a unit in assisted living. Completely inappropriate! He cannot nor does he want to provide for Mom's ever increasing care needs. And he is competent, and sibs did not even discuss looking at this facility with him! He was very hurt by that and it was the end of giving sibs his medical info. And justifiably so! We hired a geriatric care manager to help me advocate for him and what he wants.

Families can be difficult to have involved in developing a care plan. But sometimes it does work. So, my recommendation to you is to give it a try. If you find them interfering rather than being supportive to dad and yourself, you can change it at that time.

Would your dad really want you to keep your siblings in the dark? Or did he trust you to make his decisions for him knowing that you would do what was necessary not only for him, but to encourage sibling involvement?
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Sunny, Jeanne's point is important. Your father gave you POA; he wanted you to make medical decisions for him once he couldn't; you, in conjunction with his medical team, have the final say. But that doesn't, and couldn't, prevent your siblings from also having their concerns and opinions about his welfare: what possible harm can it do him to listen to what they say and answer any questions they might have?

Denying someone the right to take an interest now on the grounds that she didn't before isn't quite fair, by the way. The net effect of that view is that your sister can't do right for doing wrong, can she?

Why the special interest from the granddaughter, by the way? Is she a medical or nursing professional or something?
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I agree sunny. Having them understand what's being done and why is of no disrespect to your dad. You are still driving the bus. Perhaps if they understand, they won't make a fuss. Or, if they still do, the home will feel better about asking them to stay away.

Look, what's the worse that can happen? They dementia dad be cared for at their home? You have poa. You and dad can say no to that.
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It is hard on you and also hard on the staff to have family fighting over your dad's care. Perhaps sitting down together will allow your sister to see that he is being well cared for and she will not feel as great a need to interfere. A POA doesn't need to keep everything secret, and the more open you are with your sibs the less ammunition they will have to snipe from the sidelines.
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The social worker thinks that I should sit down with them and the nurse to come up with plan of medical care with them involved this to me is disrespecting my dad's wishes why he made me POA and by the way none of them cared to be in his life until he had to go to a hone never visited at his home for years after my passed my family husband and children were the only ones there for him
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My dad is 88 years old with Parkinson stopped walking lost control to urinate on his own and now has high risk asperation I have my dad in respectable home where they take good care of him hospice is also a part of his care they come to town to start drama in the hone instead of visiting with my dad and my sisters daughter has no business with any thing medical but demands to see all his medical business
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Being in charge and being the one who makes the final decision doesn't have to exclude everybody else, does it? Wouldn't it be best to have everyone on the same page -- or at least to know what hymnal you're singing from?

Would your out-of-state sister attend a family meeting? Would she attend via conference call?

Your profile mentions only age-related decline. That doesn't usually involve a social worker and a nurse. What is the nature of your father's health problems? Why don't you (or he) want the rest of the family to be aware of his needs?

I guess I don't know exactly what your question is, Sunny5, or what kind of input you'd like from us.
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