Out of state daughter wants to stay with mom (82) for 30 days after dad dies to help. Is this postponing her grief process?

Taking care of the practicalities after a death can postpone grief. Took me a couple of years to get to properly grieve for my dad; navigating VA, contending with nursing home - paperwork, paperwork, phone calls, emails, paperwork -

Focus on what's necessary for now. That's what you both need. There's plenty of time for grief; it'll keep.

Condolences to you and your mom. It's wonderful you have each other.

You can only have a truthful discussion with your daughter. She may be using this time to connect with you and be a help to you. She may want this time to help find closure or grieve. Of, she may want this time for other reasons, but you won't know unless you ask her. Let her know the length of time you are willing and able to be together. Also, let her know that you both should agree not to be a burden to the other. Then, figure out the details.

Your Dad died. What about how to best deal with YOUR grief? Please don't put off your own grieving. There are a lot of things to do with each other to recognize this loss. Do you want to be with her? I can completely understand how it would be beneficial to spend some time together.
She lost her spouse and the father of her children and it is a huge adjustment even if she already prematurely grieved his loss during his illness.

I question your husband's logic on this. A lot.

30 days to remain with someone after a loved ones death is not a great deal of time at all. There will be many loose ends to tie up that probably won't even be accomplished in that period of time. Sorting through dad's things may even have to wait a while - she may not be ready to part with 'stuff' yet.

Stay the month. It will give you a better understanding of how she is dealing and have some company while she steps into her new life as widow. Tell hubby you'll see him in a month.

Poor hubby is taking a beating on this forum. His statement is half correct in that only she can deal with her grief. But you can certainly help her also. Unless she specifically asks you not to stay, I think your company can help. But then, all of a sudden, you're gone for three months. What then? What is the plan? Does she live alone? Isolated from others? Isolation can be the worst feeling after separation. Are there friends that can regularly keep in touch? Can church members visit?

I would venture to say that your mother is already grieving. Grief doesn't come at the flip of a switch. I don't think her grief will be delayed, but may be more marked when you leave unless there are people she can socialize with. If you're going to stay with her, which I think is a good idea, learn something about grief. Be there to listen. Allow her to grieve in her own way (like your husband says). Don't feel like you have to keep her occupied. Talk about your dad, reminisce, but also allow her some quiet time. And, yes, help with all those necessary “housekeeping” chores that must be done after the death of a LO.

When my fil died, my mil needed a lot of help getting through the process of getting all the post-funeral things in order. We lived two hours away and had to make weekly trips to transport her different places -- copies of his death certificate had to be hand-delivered to a number of places in the area, switching account names, canceling some services, etc. It would have been so much nicer if we could have just stayed there for a bit to get everything taken care of for her instead of commuting back and forth. Plus there is the task of going through his clothes and personal items, which again, would be so much simpler if you are there. (I'm currently juggling my husband's physical and mental needs with my 90yo father's need to go through all of mom's stuff. I wish I could have just gone and stayed for a week or two. Nine months have passed and I have finally removed all her clothing from the house working in two-hour segments in half a dozen trips down there.)

All that to say that I think if you could stay with your mom for several weeks, that would be a blessing to her, not a problem. In fact, it might be a special bonding time that the two of you need.

Okay, I have to post again. When I read your comment, I thought you were sayin that YOUR out-of-state daughter wanted to stay with your mother. I didn't realize you were talking about yourself. But what I said in my first post below still holds. You are talking 11 straight weeks away from your own home and husband, and that's a pretty long time.

Hope I am not being insensitive, but has your father died? You say "stay...5 weeks after dad dies," which implies he has not died yet. But then you say you helped with his care 6 weeks pre-death. If he has not died yet, that would affect how long you would actually be gone from your husband. If you want to stay an additional 5 weeks, that would be three months, give or take, that you have not been home. That seems like a long time to me, and probably your husband, too. So I understand his wanting you back. I have to say that if her granddaughter is going to be there with her for 5 weeks, you could maybe shorten your time.

She has YEARS to deal with her grief. I think that someone being there for her would be enormously helpful, allow her to speak honestly. I suggest that the husband be ignored on this; I am curious what his experience is with those who are going through the grieving process. I have never heard ANYONE give advice such as this.
What is important here is what the 82 year old MOM would want, not the opinion of the husband.

Excuse my bluntness, but you give me the impression that you are giving new meaning to the term control freak. Whatever she chooses to do or not re her grief is HER business, not yours. It's not clear what YOU want , but it sounds like only one of you needs to stay and there is a choice to be made over which, you seem to want to be the one...I think you're making a problem where there is none. Let your sister do what she wants to do, and you do the same.

I doubt it would postpone her grief. If she's happy for you to be there to help her navigate her new world then go for it. They were married a long time - about the same amount of time my parents were married when dad died. While mom and I were glad dad was no longer suffering, mom missed him a lot. I live in the same area - she didn't want me to stay the night. They had been separated for 4 months as dad had to move from their AL apartment to SNF next building over where mom went to visit him every day if not 2Xs a day.

Her grief may change once you head back home but after 5 weeks she'll have a new routine and be ready to face her new world.

Me thinks hubby is tired of being neglected and wanting wife to come home sooner than later to spend time together - I know my husband wouldn't be very happy if after 6 weeks I then planned to spend another 5 weeks with mom. Me thinks my hubby might express the same reasoning.

My sympathies to your mother, you and your family.

No it is not postponing your moms grief. I'm sure she will appreciate having you there as she now try's to navigate life without her husband. Why don't you ask her to see what she says? I bet she will say that of course she would love you to be there. You will not only be able to support her, but she will be able to support you as well. It's a win win for everyone. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. May God bless and comfort you and your mom.

At 82 if your mom is relatively healthy and active with a friends network, she could live on her own in her home another decade. If she’s spent her life as a military wife she’s a pro on moving around frequently & being adept at finding friends and getting involved in her community. She’ll probably transition to her widowhood easily. So that a huge, huge plus for y’all.

5 weeks is a long time. I’d be concerned that she’d start relying on you to do things and not be quite so motivated to find her new path. 5 weeks is a house flip, what all are you doing that needs 5 sequential weeks?. Could you break this up into 2 trips over 3 months instead? This way you can do things and then go back and see if she’s keeping up with changes, dealing w paperwork & mail, taking her meds, doing grocery shopping, getting housework done, keeping up w her friends and neighbors. If your there all the time, she’s likely to become reliant on you. Plus it will help appease hubs.

If it’s likely that you will be going up 3 or more times a year, I’d really encourage you to remake a room or 2 & relax area in the yard so that hubs can come w you on trips and you all have your own space. So it’s not waking up in your college bedroom. So it’s not a Temple to MyBraveFather. So that hubs doesn’t feel like an interloper. I got my Hubs a hammock, side table and set up a mini frig in the garage, set up an “office” area in the study and made a huge difference on his attitude on stays at my moms. Do things that keep him a priority.

if you were up there for 6 weeks b 4 your dad died, what were you like when you finally returned home? I’m gonna bet that you were beyond a bit of a wreck and this is a big reason why hubs doesn’t want you going and staying away for weeks & weeks again. There just too much fallout emotionally for you that he recognized and you may not be aware of.

Oh my gosh, what is your husband thinking?

I had a neighbor who was extremely close to her father. He died with Parkinson’s disease. Her husband got upset because she was crying too much.

My neighbor would come over to my house to cry. It broke my heart.

Some people think that a person can ‘get over it’ quickly and it doesn’t work that way.

If you want to be with your mom, please go be with her.

I am so sorry that your husband is acting this way. It’s terribly insensitive of him.

Only time will "deal with" your mother's grief. That may be the subject your husband has pulled out of the hat, but what are his real objections to your proposed trip? Is he afraid you'll get sucked in and stuck there for good, or bring her back with you? Does he have issues of his own that make him anxious about being left alone? Is he just tired - thinking "another five weeks!"

I agree that it's a bit bonkers to think that a very elderly recently bereaved lady must just pull herself together and cope, but that's why I suspect that his real reasons are about something else.

Mybravefather - ask your husband when you turn 82, and HE drops dead and leaves you behind by yourself, does he think you can benefit from having your child(ren) spend 5 weeks with you to help you with HIS funeral/ memorial service, and to give you some company when you need it most? Or does he think you should be on your own to cope when you're 82 y.o.?

There are lots of possible things that might be happening here:

1) Your mother may be glad of your company. It may stop her feeling very lonely, after the high emotional involvement with so many people around a death; and/ or
2) It may be of real practical value for all the family in dealing with the many things that need to be re-organised after a death; and/ or
3) As your husband says, it might make her focus on you, instead of putting enough time into understanding her own loss and grief; and/ or
4) Your husband may be feeling that you have given enough time and energy to your mother, and its his turn to be the focus now.

All of these things make for a very complicated time. Do your best, and remember that 5 weeks is not such a long time, really.

Go stay with your mom. Your husband is way off base on this one.

Sorry, but your husband sounds heartless.

I'm going to assume your folks were married for about 60 years, and if they were like mine, they spent only a handful of nights apart. To lose your life partner, then be left alone to "deal with your grief" with no services to provide closure is frankly appalling -- unless it's what she wants.

My mother has dementia, so she couldn't be left at home after my dad died anyway. However, she was distraught when we had to move him out of their bedroom and down the hall before he was even gone. Not having him by her side was devastating, and the hardest part for her in those early days was waking up and remembering he was gone forever. I'm very glad I was with her those mornings, because it was terribly hard for her.

You are doing the right thing to stay, because you'll be able to tell how she's doing, reminisce together, and take care of what needs to be done. This is as much for you as for her.

Yes, my mom does want me to stay. Just to navigate the early waters. Thank you for the feedback, as it is important to be sensitive to HER needs and wants. She has been his caretaker but she has never lived alone except a brief time when pregnant for me 65 years ago (military family). I personally think she will eventually flourish as she is very social and independent but has been confined due to the pandemic and Dad's 24/7 care. Thanks again!

I think this is a question for your mom. Does she WANT a visitor for 5 weeks.
Does she want a visitor for any length of time?
If mom is willing to have your daughter move in for over a month then that is her decision.
I am not sure I would want a visitor for that length of time.

Who says that you can only grieve when you are alone?

Maybe that is how your husband grieves, but many of us BENEFIT from having someone else around who knew the loved one. That's why there are traditions like wakes, funerals, shivas and the like, so that you can grieve with the support of your community.