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I tried guilt - no go.

Is it worth forcing people? If it is not from the heart, it’s phony. Not worth it. So sorry your mom is lonely. Give her an extra hug. Make new friends. Don’t guilt anyone. No one responds to guilt. Would you want someone to make you feel guilty? I doubt it.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 29, 2020
Oh but it does work, we read about it working everyday here.

It is not a good thing and it should not be used, but I am continually amazed by how many people feel guilty for setting and/or enforcing boundaries with the elders in their lives.
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Can you schedule an occasional luncheon at your house or mom's? Perhaps a game night? Even if your mom can't participate, she will enjoy the company.

My mom likes people but is still rather reclusive. I invited my friends' parents to my house and hired someone to play the piano. Though the 10 people had not known eacg other previously, they had fun talking, singing and eating.

If that's too expensive, how about a Sunday potluck to watch a game?
In this age of over scheduling, sometimes people just need an "event" on their calendars.
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Reply to bigsispjt
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Call "Aunt Betty" up and ask if she will come over for coffee next Saturday.
Call your "Niece Bethany" and ask if she would help with a project.
Call your old friend "Susie" and ask if she can come for lunch on Friday.
If they show up...great...if they don't ...there is not much you can do to change them all you can do is change your expectations. If mom can still get out and socialize the local Senior Center might have programs she would be interested in and some will "buddy up" 2 seniors that will get together at least 1 day a week at the center or even on the phone. A support group for you might be a good idea as well. You will make new contacts and will be meeting with people that understand that old friends and some relatives seem to drop off the face of the earth.
Not to make excuses but...others continue with their lives and life gets busy and time gets away..then it becomes uncomfortable when they realize it has been 6, 9, 12 months since they have talked to you and then they may be embarrassed. You making a call to them inviting them may remove some of the embarrassment or it may make it worse.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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dogparkmomma Jan 28, 2020
Grandma, those were great suggestions!
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I think that people are afraid or uncomfortable about visiting. Maybe they would like to remember the elder as they were. My son’s only memory of one of my favorite uncles is “the little man who sat in the corner”, not at all how I remember him but he was only 6 and uncle was suffering from pancreatic cancer. People are afraid they are disturbing you or Mom will be napping.

I agree with some of the others here. Set up a social visit, pick a time when Mom is usually at her best. Give them a few options so they can work around their schedule. “Mom & I would love to see you, we were hoping you could stop in for dinner on your way home from work some night next week. Would Tuesday or Wednesday work for you?”

Ask a favor. “I need some time away from Mom to go to (whatever) (medical appointment, bloodwork, the grocery store), could you come and sit with Mom for an hour? I’ll set out a snack in case she gets hungry.”

“Mom wanted cake so I’m baking one for her but it will be too much for us to eat. Want to stop in and have a piece or take some home to the family?”
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Reply to EllensOnly
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Call them, invite them over, create celebration moments... People are way to busy, but that doesn't mean that everybody does not care.
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Reply to Taarna
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When people don’t want to commit they will provide ridiculous excuses as for why. If this happens don’t be shocked or even take it personally because they wouldn’t be there for anyone. Don’t push the matter because if they are telling you they don’t want to be involved, then believe them.

If they do force themselves to visit it is usually for a very short while so don’t cook all day for a 15 minute visit. Serve something quick and simple.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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If she can get in the car, call one of them and ask if you can drop by on a Sunday afternoon. It will also help mom by getting her out and about. Younger folks tend to get things done on Saturdays to prepare for the next week with work, school, kids, etc. Sunday afternoons (before sports come on the TV) may be a little more relaxed. Also, try more phone calls to these people from your mom...not from you. At least she got to talk to them.
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Reply to my2cents
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Same here, Lots of relatives but only a few stay in touch. I don’t want to use guilt to make them visits Mom because I don’t want them to avoid me!
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Reply to Frances73
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If you are willing, have you thought about inviting a few people over? Keep it small and simple. Have them over for a couple of hours with a simple menu. Ask whomever you invite to RSVP. I don't think guilt works. Some people don't get the clue. I would be factual. (e.g. I have to tell you Mom and I really miss your company.) If your Mom can go out, how about going to something you both enjoy?
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DLB1218 Jan 29, 2020
I'm bet they still won't come
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My mom was totally ignored by family including a son, couple of grandchildren and her own brothers and sisters. I don’t blame them. She as rude, constantly tried to guilt everyone with something. I lived with her for almost 10 years. I finally couldn’t take it anymore. I moved from Ohio to Maine. She then wanted to move to Maine. I agreed and she was like a different person. She lived in a senior apt complex and participated in everything. We went out to lunch and shopping. Very nice way to remember her.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 30, 2020
Amazing! But my own MIL was a pain until she moved into a facility and FIL died three weeks later. It seemed as if she suddenly realised that she wasn't in control, and if she wasn't nice to people she was on her own!
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Zennie62..I hear you! My siblings all Iive 2 hrs or less and have taken the same approach. There’s an occasional weekly phone call or more often a text. The only attempts to see Mom are if I’m willing to bring Mom to them. The claim is a busy hectic work schedule. But seriously! After the brief calls, they will contact me and say “Mom sounds good!” What I want to say is come and spend a couple hours so you can see her real condition. It is frustrating and hurtful. My DH reminds me that all I am responsible for are my actions. Mom is kind and always accepts their excuses or makes up something...LOL
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DLB1218 Jan 29, 2020
This breaks my heart for your mom. You're a good daughter and you will live the rest of your life with peace in your heart.
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Do you reach out to them and they say NO or they just don't reach out to your mom?

If you haven't heard from them, it's high time to reach out to them. If they've declined invites in the past, then, I guess it might be time to move on and find other social outlets for you and mom.
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Reply to againx100
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Zennie, please see my reply to Barbara...same advice to you! Hugs 🤗
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Reply to CaregiverL
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I too found relatives and fair weather friends abandoned Us when I had been caring for my Mother Who suffered from alzheimer's in Her last year's ? and I felt so sad and sorry for my Mother RIP. Since I knew they were well aware of
Moms diagnosis I never reached out to them as I knew they felt uncomfortable with the Illness and did not know how to deal with It. Of coarse when Mom died they reappeared and offered all kinds of help, except
It was too late then because Mother was no longer with Us, and I did not make myself available any more. A line had been drawn in the sand and Life teaches Us that We must live with Our decisions.
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Reply to anonymous275053
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My relatives only wanted to see my mother near her EOL. I was living with her out of absolute necessity and asked them why they didn't visit her a few years prior. They didn't want to listen and arrived in two groups of people. That took a LOT out of mother, BUT she enjoyed them very much.💞
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Reply to Llamalover47
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I think that a lot of people just don’t know what to do when someone they know is really ill. Looking back, I didn’t visit some people that I thought I wasn’t sufficiently close to for them to want me there when they were so ill. Now I wish that I had done that. An invitation would have made me feel OK. I would say, reach out with a practical suggestion, don’t wait for them to come to you. You are no worse off if the worst that you are thinking now, turns out to be true. Get set up with a good email, and send it off in bursts to anyone you can think of that could help you and your mother.
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