Last September I went to check in on my parents. I live 850 miles away. I never returned home to my husband. I thought I could help my parents and get them to a stable situation. My Mom has become unreasonable and downright mean. She is demanding and will wake up the house all thru the night because she is anxious or wants a cigarette (she is end stage copd 24/7 oxygen), or something to drink or someone to sit with her. She sees no issue with not allowing others to sleep. This happens all thru the night every night. During the day she doesn’t want anyone to leave the house because she is anxious. We have told her how unreasonable and not sustainable. There are so many things she does that just are not okay but if we don’t do them for her she wakes my Dad. He has been hospitalized twice since I’ve been living there with his own health issues, yet she has no regard for anyone but herself. We are all exhausted and quite honestly fed up. She refuses to try and help herself and thinks we are all mean to her because we don’t run fast enough to her every whim. She needs mental health help and 24/7 care. Is it possible to have both? She wants it but doesn’t want it at the same time because she will lose her palliative care benefits. They don’t want to spend a dime and we have the virus going on. I am so afraid of leaving them because they are not safe or capable any longer. I’m frustrated and angry. Sorry for the venting, but what does one do when you’re afraid for them???
It sounds as though your expectation is that she should behave like an empathetic and caring person, and see that she is wrecking your life. But she's not "getting" that, so clearly, her reasoning abilities have changed.
I would have her seen by geriatric psychiatrist to treat the agitation and anxiety.
Don't ask her permission. Make the appointment and take her.
Have either of your parents assigned POA to anyone?
You are not obligated to give up your life to care for your parents. It was THEIR job to plan for their old age, not yours.
You aren't even really aware that the monkey is running the show!
Ok, she gets mad, she gets mean--she needs a cog eval ASAP. Possibly medication to even out those moods. You need to get OUT of there!
Would dad be broken hearted if she is placed in a SNF or some such place? She sounds like a 24/7 need and neither you nor dad can made this all OK on your own.
How is dad? Just trying to keep the peace at any cost? How is his health? Would he want to still live with her?
I was a professional CG to a couple who had been in an assisted living facility. The wife grew to be a much greater problem and the facility wanted to split the couple up and put her in a higher level of care. They couldn't afford to do so, so the kids moved them back HOME with 24/7 CG's. It was a spectacular fail.
I lasted one day (she punched me--for $9 an hour I am NOT taking physical abuse)..and they lasted 2 days at home. She was sent to a much higher level of care and he went to live with a daughter.
I think when someone becomes a belligerent burden with no 'upside' to their personality, you actually owe it to your dad and yourself to get mom somewhere she can be cared for. With or without dad.
START with a good physical, including both mental and physical issues. See if your dr's office can give you links to places/ people you can talk to as you navigate these waters.
Please note smoking is not permitted with home oxygen as it can cause explosion. https://www.vitas.com/family-and-caregiver-support/caregiving/providing-care-at-home/demonstrations-the-dangers-of-oxygen-and-smoking/
News report: Home oxygen can explode while smoking cigarettes. Not only is this a danger to the patient, their family, but the neighbors too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ip4QLKPK8DU
Talk to her doctor about your concerns and consider Hospice care. If you decide to hospitalize her, they will put a nicotine patch on her, and she will not be able to smoke. The hospital doctor can organize hospice care as well.
I am confused by that part of your post; I hope that you will come back and elaborate.
1- to decide it they are mentally capable of caring for themselves. My guess is that they are not.
2 - to document all their chronic illnesses and develop a plan of care to address all of them together.
3 - to address your mom's anxiety/mental health issues.
If their doctor can demonstrate that they can not live by themselves and are a risk to themselves, they can be involuntarily hospitalized. IF this happens, you can work with social services for long term placements. I am not sure if they will be able to find someplace your parents can be together.
Your mother will probably qualify for a psychiatric long term care placement to deal with her anxiety. Since she is self-focused and disruptive, I don't think she will manage well with in-home care.
Your father will probably qualify for a long term residential placement - either total care(nursing home) or assisted care.
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