My Elderly Dad hates us now. What should we do? - AgingCare.com

My Elderly Dad hates us now. What should we do?

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Our Dad was in an abusive relationship. His girlfried of 30 years has a substance abuse problem, she is 78, my Dad is 89. She has stabed him and throws things at him and treats him like crap. So my sibling and I recused him yesterday with the blessings of everyone we taked to from Cops, Pastors, Doctors and the Adult Protection Service to people on the street. Everyone said GET HIM OUT OF THERE! So we did. We took him to lunch to get him away from the house. We have POA and also the health one. Her family tried to convince the cops we were the bad guys and to arest us for kidnap. But the APS said NOPE! Well now my Dad hates us. He has some memory loss and thinks that was a good enought place to live. I don't think he has taken a bath for months. Anyway it was very bad where he was at. Now what the heck do we do. He won't get in the car so my sister can bring him to my house.They live in CA I live in Iowa. We are Freaking out! We can't let him go back. Everyone tells you (Get him out,) but where is the info on how to handle it after you do. They all tell us to stand frim and he will adjust. Please help with any ideas. My sisters and I are just sick.

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First of all, you did a courageous thing, and it was the right move. The problem is (and I know this - many of us have been there, if not in quite the same situation), he has forgotten all of the abuse. This makes it hard, as he forgets you are helping him (or can't understand it). He still thinks of that situation as "home".
I would think APS would have a shelter situation for him or that they could temporarily get him into a nursing home.
You mentioned the pills from the doctor. Did they help? With dementia, anxiety is a problem. Maybe anti-anxiety meds can calm him a bit. I'm not big on going against the will of these folks, but you are talking about an extreme situation. He is vulnerable.
You also may want to try the state ombudsman where he is or where you are (www.ltcombudsman.org). They can be extremely helpful.
Thank goodness you have legal papers. You may have to consult an elder law attorney about what to do with him, if a doctor can't help. Something has to be done.
You are amazing people and have gone a long way. Keep working with APS and doctors until there is an answer - and do try the ombudsman.
We're pulling for you!
Carol
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30 years is a long time to live with someone, then be yanked out. You've heard how women can live with abusive husbands for 20 years, putting up with it cause they're scared or intimidated or just used to it and never leave. That must be what it's like for him. Maybe you ought to be talking to people that council abused women as to how to approach this, they may have some insight for you. To me it sounds very similar.
The good news is, that with his failing memory maybe he'll forget her all together. ( we can only hope)
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You are doing the right steps by removing him from a toxic and dangerous living condition.You have the documents you need to assist your dad... legally, financialy, and medically . It seems that the family is in agreement of the action needed at this time for his health and safety. These things are all important for handling the situation. Family needs to stick together more hands make things easier so try to stay together, so many times dissagreement and duties for care cloud the real issues. One thing you need to all understand is your fathers mind is not right and what he says maybe hurtful and cause you to get angry with him but try not to reason with him because this is a never ending battle. Just say OK to him, but do what you have to!!!! Don't dissagree with him this goes nowhere!!!! He needs to be diagnosed and mentally stabalized. Behavioral health is the issue. Once he is stabalized mentally he will need 24/7 care, food intake and meds and surroundings need to be routine for easier less stress on him. Unfortunatly this brings on the monies issue all this is costly so you need to get all finacial issues in order, ss card, birth cert, bank accounts, pension, ss checks, medicare coverage. I found it easy to have checks for any income direct deposited in order to keep track of funds. Paper trails are important keep all receipts and statements this provescare for his behalf. If any of his mail is going to his old address you should change that ASAP. I don't understand why his gfs family is after you threatening kidnapping... has he been funding her? Who's house is his residence or was his residence? Wishing you well and I hope I helped guide you.
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I think that you must under all circumstances show him respect even if you do not believe that what he wants is right! You must approach him cautiously so that he believes he has the upper-hand. Explain to him that you are there to help him. And assure him that you be there to help him make things right. And that everything will work out right. Do not dictate to him what he needs to do but rather, just be gently persuasive and just suggest. Remember he is ill but do not lead on, he needs to think you on his side. Calm him with whatever it takes,then proceed with any evaluations necessary I know it may seem a little deceptive but you must do whatever it takes. Hope all works out for all of you. Just stay as calm as you can and good luck. Let us know how you are doing!
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Hang in their you are doing the right thing. contact family care give alliance they can give you some support. If you have Conservatorship you can admit him into a nursing home untill you can get situations settled. The situation will be a bit ugly for a while but is it is worth doing what is best for him. There are alot of places for him, depending on how serious his memory loss is. he can go to an assitant living or residencial care home. The police can help you place him against his will if it is in his best intrest. It sounds as though you did get adult protective services and they will help you with placement too.
Talk to his doctor, since he was stabbed and hasn't had a bath, the doctor might work with you and get him admitted to the hospital. That is you best hope to transfer to a nursing home. short term only until you can get situation straight. Nursing homes will still take him, but he would not qualify for medicare so he would have to pay privet or medical. If you do not have either family caregiver alliance can help.
hang in there you are doing the right thing. Yes he will be mad for a while, I am sure as a child when your father said no or took somthing you wanted away you were made to, but it sounds like he is not in aplace to protect his own safty right now, so you have to do it for him.
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Thanks everyone so very much.Were still trying to get him to come to Iowa. My sister almost caved in this morning and wanted to take him back. Thank God my husband was here cuz I was almost ready too. The emotional roller coster is really hard to deal with all day.He helped us remember we are helping him not hurting him. We got some happy pills from his Dr. he was very glad that we got him out of there, he had questioned my sister about his home care a while back.He has seen the girfriend!!
We haven't heard one word from the girlfriend or her family.Do you think they are up to something or did the cops tell them to let it go because they have no standing. My sister woke up early this morning in a sweat thinking they were up to something and that is why she panicked and wanted to bring him back and make them all promise to be good. Like that would really work, they are drugies too.Yes my Dad was supporting all her loser adult kids. They lived on her son's property in a trailor and her 2 sons also lived on the property with their kids.The cash cow is gone. That is why they freaked out. I hope they all just go away. Thanks again, I read your responses to my sisters and it really helped when we REALLY needed it this morning.
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OMG. I hope you don't let him ever go back to that situation. It is hard, but be strong. If this woman stabed yoiur Dad, why didn't she get arrested for doing this. She abuses him and the entire situation. I hope you have also contacted Soc Sec to change where his income is deposited and any other income that he may have. Make sure that nothing he has is accessable by her. Let her and her kids learn to live like the trash that they are. It's your parent. Do what you must to keep him safe. Good Luck. Stay positive. The adjustment will become easier to handle.
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Your dad will slowly forget them as long as you give him all he needs and ATTENTION...that will grab him..loving attention will slowly make him forget her.

Keep us up to date with how it is going!

Don't let the money grubbers back at him!
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Hang in there your doing great. Keep in mind the anti anxiety medication can make memory issues worse. It is something he needs but just keep it in mind as his memory detrierates. It can also effect balance so what for that too.
An adult day program would help your sister, I stronly suggest it, it is alot on her right now. She will need some help. Or hire a worker. Please contact Family care giver Alliance they can give you alot of support.
Do not worry about those people you have enough on your plate. I am sure they are going to try to get the money back, but you can not worry about that. Get arestraining order and move on. If he moves to you it would be great, the further the better. But right now just one day at a time. Give each other the support you need. Good luck
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