Do other caregivers suffer from PTSD symptoms?

cr0105, I can say an unequivocal, resounding YES to your question. It took me a long time to realize that I've suffered from PTSD since my father first started going downhill with Alzheimer's disease in 2011-2012. That's six long years of dealing with his disordered thinking, and having him go from the most loving, kind and supportive father in the world, to a stiff-backed, angry monster who acted like he hated me and treated me like a criminal, when he wasn't crying, raging, turning over the furniture, and threatening to kill himself. (Not to mention, after finally getting them moved into an ALF, discovering that not only did he have the means to do himself in, the means was always close at hand, and loaded. Shock and relief in equal measures, shock that he had been such a direct threat to himself and to me and my family, but also relief that we had managed to get them into care before something awful could happen.)

I'm so glad to know you're seeing a counselor. I finally made the decision to do that myself, and have been working with a counselor for a little while, just the past few weeks, and it is extremely helpful to get perspective. It's the first time someone has said to me, "You've been grieving for your losses all these years." My mother declined before he did ... he was her caregiver when he started to go off the rails. She was, and is, a great mom, but she has suffered terribly with his illness, and I even think she's been neglected a little bit, because she's so "easy" compared to him. Yet when they moved into the ALF, she screamed at all of us and cried inconsolably for days, not recognizing the extreme danger she was in herself. (Statistically speaking, when elderly men with dementia commit suicide, they most often kill their wives first. So she was in just as much danger as he was.)

The sense of dread has not left me, even with them in care. I can't stand going to the home they used to live in, which creates obstacles to what we should be doing to get it ready to be sold, because I just hate and dread going over there. Even though it's empty, there are ghosts everywhere. Sad ghosts of who they used to be when they were still themselves, and angry ghosts of who they became.

At least I can visit them at the ALF without fear, but I still never know what I'm going to face with my dad. He can be extremely suspicious and weird about things, especially if anything unusual happens. When my mom was in the hospital overnight for dehydration, I tried to stay with him to keep him calm, but he got very angry and violent with me because he refused to believe that she was just in the hospital, he thought she had run off on him and he wouldn't believe me for anything. That was probably one of the worst nights of my life, and it was less than a year ago. So yes, ongoing PTSD is a perfect term for what we go through.

Stay strong caregivers! We are here for each other, at least.

Good for you, cr0105! And thanks for the update.

Hello. Thought I would share a bit of good news..the therapist is helping. Part of the reason is that I am taking charge of the discussions! I had never done that before. If he starts talking about stuff I already know or going in a direction I'm not ready for like moving on to the next topic he thinks we should discuss, I just flat out interrupt him. That's not like me. But I feel like I need to make good use of the time!
Two things he shared with me that have really helped:
1. If I cannot handle the emotions right now, try to set it aside "until later" & do just one thing that helps my physical body. It can be eating a healthier choice of meals *or* going for a walk...whatever. But keeping that as my "out" does double duty- helps me focus on something else & doing something good for me makes me like myself better.
2. He told me when I feel overwhelmed by stress, go through the things that are bothering me and categorize them into 3 groups by asking- is this... A) a problem *or* b) a predicament *or* c) a lost cause. This has been helpful because it gets me into an action mode of thinking...instead of all these thoughts running through my mind haphazardly.
Hope that's helpful to someone else too.

Rainmom - yes you did make me smile! And I am glad you have a sense of humor! We sure all NEED THAT!!! 😁 thanks. Oh and the reason I said that was because I've been married before (horrible). 

cr0105 -
I had to giggle at your use of "my current husband". I've found myself saying that - as if there's a future one waiting somewhere! My hubby's a saint and I love him dearly - I hope we'll always be together...
Okay - not a helpful reply as far as your mom and siblings go - but hopefully it at least got a smile!

Yes the family was "perfect" - at least to anyone looking in from the outside. THIS is an added stress to myself - my oldest of the 3 older brothers molested me as a child. Then as adults, touched me inappropriately! He even tried it another time! That time, I let him know (in his FACE!!!) that this will not be tolerated and if I EVER found out he touched one of MY girls, I'd not only report him but wouldn't hesitate to testify in court against him!! Well --- thankfully nothing else has ever happened and he keeps his distance. Anyway, that adds to all of this. AND it's doubly difficult because Mom has that brother up on a pedestal, first-born, he can do no wrong. Of course at this point I would never tell her he doesn't belong on any pedestal. The fact that I've gone for years hiding my true emotions, putting on a happy face, even hugging him hello and goodbye when the family was around... well it has worn me out.. and I don't want to do it anymore! I finally told my sister. She was appalled. She is my best friend. But, despite that brother, I've enjoyed the rest of my family tremendously... and miss the happier times. Oh to answer your question about whether Mom was in favor of moving to AL, yes! She actually had agreed it was the wisest thing to do at the time. But with her dementia, she's now questioning it (along with everything) and wonders why she can't just move 'back home'. :(
As for the perfect therapist, I'll be happy to be an "EAR" for you! I know what you mean - I've had some reallllly bad ones... and some "ok" ones... but none have truly been what I could call "great".. and I also do as you said, feel like I'm under the microscope while I'm there. It's NOT pleasant. My current husband, with NO experience in this area, said to me after my 1st appointment, (all happy faced), "so what did he say?? Was it a good time??" --- yeah honey - great fun... and no, I'm NOT cured yet.
Thanks for the advice.. I also find comfort in nature. I have a trip planned now in April to go visit my son and family (2 grands - yay!) in Florida!! So that gives me something to look forward to. I LOVE the beach!! It's where I feel most peaceful and can be awed by the "smallness" of everything else in comparison.

cr0105, it sounds like you had a nearly perfect family that fell apart in just a couple of years. I don't blame you for feeling stressed, especially when some of them are looking at you like you are the bad guy. You really did need to step in to make sure your mother was taken care of. I don't understand why the family is so upset. Was your mother not wanting to go to the AL? Family can still visit with her in the AL and go places with her. It will take a while to adjust, but maybe everything will fall back in line.

Sometimes when I'm feeling especially rattled it helps to just stop and look at the trees and watch the squirrels. It helps me to center myself with the world and realize that most of what goes on is out of my hands. It helps me to get rid of feelings of guilt or over-responsibility.

I do hope that therapy helps. I am rather therapy-resistant myself. I end up feeling like I'm trying to entertain the therapist and falling short. :( It would feel good to talk to someone who doesn't see me as complaining -- you know, someone who really cares about what's going on. That would be the perfect therapist.

Over the years I have had very helpful counseling and not so good counseling. I've never had a damaging experience. Rainmom, I am so sorry you did. There really are effective and compassionate counselors out there!

Sometimes it takes a few sessions for the therapist and client to get in sync. Unless it is dreadful, I'd try more than one session before leaving. But it is absolutely acceptable to leave when it isn't a good fit, and find a better one.

I want to thank you all for your input. JessieBelle- there was a tremendous amount of stress just before and after moving mom to AL. The worst was a division in my family resulting from a family meeting where 2 nephews cornered me alone and told me I was making a huge mistake and then criticized me for welling up with tears. The thing is, this meeting was supposed to be only me & my siblings. My sister, brothers and their spouses agreed that AL was the answer. My own adult daughter would've come if she thought it was open to that level but she understood that it wasn't. The nephews came with their mother who is an ex to my brother. That same brother died this past October and now that whole segment of the family won't speak to me and even steer their children away from me when we had a big family gathering. It hurts my very soul. I miss our family good times when we all played cards or board games, sat on the floor to play with the youngsters and had such fun. We lost my sister's husband to a horrible battle with cancer, my father after incredible suffering and then this brother (also cancer - FAST - 3 months from diagnosis) so there have been a lot of losses in the past few years. Also, my brother who was living with mom had a bad motorcycle accident where he almost died. He has residual signs of brain injury. He also drinks too excess. The part of the family who have abandoned me were really close to that brother and thought he was taking good care of Mom. But when I stayed there for a week while he went on vacation, I discovered that he had been using mom's money for his personal stuff. I then checked things further and discovered that he was not doing mom's medications correctly. Every day I would find something else. Or every night, I should say, because I had to do my searching after mom went to bed. I desperately tried to spare her the worry over all this until I could arrange some kind of solution. Eventually we had a meeting with the brother when he got home and brought my sister into it. Mom was angry about it but wouldn't speak up. Neither would my sister. So it fell upon me to start the conversation. I ended up getting so upset that I had to take a walk. Anyway...that was a year before we finally got mom moved. I have handled her financial and medical and well everything since that time. Mom being in AL has helped me physically but emotionally nothing has been relieved.

I have what I call chronic stress disorder. My first thought is to blame myself for not being upbeat and productive. Then I look at how things are in my world and know I am probably being normal. I don't think that humans were built to handle this type of stress for too long.

cr0105, I wondered what you felt when you were moving your mother into AL. Was it particularly traumatic for you? Do you feel like something is undone and hanging over your head? Maybe if you write about it, people here will relate to what you're feeling. I have a feeling you are probably not alone.

cr0105, time to change therapist. I did, and now I have a talk therapist who is around my age, and who in the past had to deal with an elderly parent. So when she says "I know what you are going through", she really does :)

Even though I fought the thought of taking calming pills and antidepressants, I finally had to give it a try. I take the very lowest dosage possibly, and started out cutting those dosages in half with permission from my primary doctor.

I still get panic attacks driving, and I have to keep telling myself I cannot correct 7 years of driving panic in just a few months, it's going to take awhile.

I still won't go to the movies or dine out someplace that takes a lot of time to have the meal placed in front of me. Again it was 7 years of worrying my cellphone would ring in the middle of the movie or dinner saying either Mom or Dad had fallen, please come to the house.

My parents have since passed, but the panic memory is still there, but getting better :)

Best therapist I ever saw was a former police dept crisis counselor. PTSD.? Absolutely possible. Her practice was full of adult children of alcoholics, domestic abuse and molestation survivors, and caregivers of ailing parents and adolescents. In fact she was the first person who didn't judge me for feelings or stress. Your feelings are yours, and you need help finding a way to make it through.

Are you taking any meds? My husband started having really vivid and disturbing dreams a couple of years ago. In talking to his doc, he discovered that it was a side effect of a drug he'd be taking for a while.

Take care of yourself; I've been blessed with some good therapists. If you are not feeling as though you're being taken seriously, please tell the therapist that. The most useful thing in therapy is to say exactly how you are feeling.

If you tell her/him this and they become defensive, you've got a poorly trained therapist. If they want to talk about what is leading to your feeling that way, bingo. Still, don't stay if you're not comfortable.

Therapy is hard work and usually leads to us finding out that there things we need to change about us. That can hurt. And you never get there if you haven't developed a trusting relationship with the other person in the room.

cr0105 -
It always amazes me when some one else asks the same question I've been turning over again and again in my own head!

I looked after my mom for almost six years. Thankfully, we didn't live together - things were bad enough as it was - especially the last two years.

My mom passed away the end of August. Mom was nearly 90 and her dementia had progressed to the point she didn't always know who I was, and she had pretty much stopped eating and speaking. It was an excruciating last couple of months. Honestly, it was a relief when mom finally let go - for her suffering and for me - at this point I was so rung out I didn't have any more to give - not to her and not to anyone else in my life.

So - I kinda thought I'd be feeling more like my old self by now - but nothing could be further from the truth.

A life long insomniac, its worse than ever - maybe two - three hours of sleep a night. Constant nightmares. My attention span is zip and I can't focus on anything. My smoking is at an all time high and my threshold for stress - an all time low. It seems if I'm not angry, I'm anxious - but I can't quite ever put my finger on what I'm worrying about or why I'm pissed off.

So, I thought "Post Traumatic Stress"? But then thought "No" and have been telling myself to stop being a drama queen and to get over it!

I haven't considered therapy. My only experience with that was a giant joke of a marriage counselor that soured me on taking that route.

So, I'll be watching for your posts to see how you are getting along and hopefully you can share ideas on what's helping you.

Sorry- I know my reply probably wasn't any help. But I did want you to know that you're not alone - I'm feeling for you, sister!

Dear cr0105,

I'm so sorry to hear how are you feeling. Its not easy. Moving your mom to assisted living was a big change. It takes time to accept this new phase in your mom's life and yours as well.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself. And as Jeanne said if this therapist does not feel right, please don't hesitate to find a new one. There are good ones out there. Maybe consider joining a support group as well. Thinking of you.

Many. many caregivers experience some mental health issues -- depression, anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD ... a range of reactions.

Give the therapist a couple more sessions and if you still don't feel you are being taken seriously, find another therapist. Seriously, not every counselor is a good fit for every client. It is not a failure on your part or theirs to need to switch therapists.

I'm so glad you are in counseling. This is a difficult journey. We deserve all the support we can get ... even if we have to pay for it. :-)