What are my options to see to my Dad's care when he refuses to leave his home and is incapable of taking care of himself?

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Recently, mother was moved to a nursing home. Father of 90 year is left to his own devices to continue every day living. Problem is, he is blind and almost deaf, mobility is extremely limited and he refuses to leave his home. He's never seen a Dr. in his life and refuses to see one when it is suggested. I don't think he has insurance. Recently, he took a bath but could not get out of it for several hours. I've offered to assist in this matter but he refuses. He also refuses to purchase a life alert system in case of an emergency. I do my best to see to his meals but often he refuses to eat them and refuses to tell me what he likes or to agree on a set time for mealtime. My routine now is to prepare meals whether he eats them or not, clean house, ensure his laundry is clean, pay his bills and purchase groceries. We live in a small rural community so assistance is all but non-existent. I work and am finding this exhausting. I worry about neglect charges should something serious occur with him. What options do I have?

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Another option might be meals on wheels to keep you from having to go there every day.
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Blannie, it sounds like we are in the same boat. I will be 60 in November and my parents will be married 65 years. The thing that gets to me is my Mom always made me think that I had to protect her from my Father. Which I did for about 57 years before it occured to me that she was using me and then turning against me. That's right it took me 57 years to wake up!! Guess I am kind of slow. Anyway I just found out that I can not protect her and you are so right about it being a losing battle. I have a feeling that my Mother is doing to go first and I will be up a creek without a paddle. God help us all. Thanks!!
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126Cher, one of the things I had to realize with my parents is that they had their own "scripts" for life which was very different than mine. My mom waited on my dad hand and foot, particularly after he had a stroke, even when he was fully capable of doing for himself and should have to retain his strength and mobility. I think it gave my mom the feeling of being needed. I tried for a while to change that scenario and then finally realized I had to accept that they were married for 60+ years at that point and I wasn't going to change either of them.

Luckily for me, my dad went first. My mom is very independent and used to doing for herself. If it been my dad, I'd be living the nightmare that Goose333 is dealing with right now. So relax and let it go. You're fighting a losing battle that will only make you crazy and won't change your parents at all.
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Nancy, great above answer. My Dad was always a pain and at 89 soon to be 90 his personality has increase 1000% full blast. Real thing that bothers me is he is taking by 89 year old Mother down with the ship. Worse yet she defends him 100%. Very, very depressing. I am at a loss. Goose, I will pray for you because sometimes there is no solution. If you asked this question before 2012 my answer would be different. But, after living it for more than 2 years I am at the end of my rope.
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goose, I'd like to know if your dad's always been a stubborn pain in the rear, or just since your mom was taken away. If he's always has been this way, then you're out of luck trying to help him I'd think. But if it's only been since mom left, then that's something else entirely.
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You have to make a decision. Do you want to go to war over this with him? Or do you want to give him the independence he craves until he caves? You'll get a lot of suggestions on this site. Some will be meaningful or have a kernel of helpfulness; others you'll discount out of hand. My answer will be one of those two. Ha!

Cut your visits down to no more than twice a week (at most). Call him every day to make sure he answers the phone. When you're concerned because he doesn't? Don't go over there. Call 911 and ask them to do a wellness check. This'll do two things: let dad know that authorities will look into his well being (which may make him nervous-good) AND let law enforcement have a look at his living conditions.

Bring him healthy soups, stews, lasagna to pop in the oven, fried chicken, finger foods. Explain what you've brought and how to fix each one. Have peanut butter, bread and hard-boiled eggs available. Then close your eyes. In a week, throw out what he hasn't eaten and bring more.

Stop cleaning his house. Take his dirty laundry home one trip and bring it back clean the next. If he can't keep his house somewhat sanitary/clean by himself? He needs to pay someone to do it. If he can't afford it? You can apply to Medicaid on his behalf. If you live in a rural area, it's highly likely there'll be someone who'll clean (AND do laundry) twice a month for very little in the scheme of things. (Put a lock on one of the bedroom doors for any valuables or remove them from the house.)

As long as you're doing everything FOR him, he'll do nothing for himself. No pain? No gain. Back off. Give yourself a rest. And don't feel guilty.
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thank you all for your comments and good advice. We had a little miracle the other day, he agreed to a life alert system. I decided to take a little step back this week to see what he does. Bought some simple supper meals he could prepare in a microwave. I did though, prepare his favorite - pancakes and sausage patties for his breakfasts. I just couldn't leave him completely to his own devices. Thanks again
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Sherry1anne, I believe that you are 100% correct about health and willingness.
I think that health comes first or should I say goes first and then the willingness goes in the waste pile. Even if willingness is there it can not sometimes be exercised. I want to retire in a state where assisted sueicide is legal. All my 90 year old parents do is eat and watch TV. They have trouble with the mail and do not know how to use the stove. They need help but become nasty when someone tried to help them. Even if you have POA you can not force them out of their home. Sorry
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My mother lived alone and worked in her salon that my father put in their garage until she was 99. I realize that not everyone has the same good health as my mother, but she made a garden that fed all of us, canned the food, worked in the salon 2 days a week and took care of herself until she was 97. She was misdiagnosed for hyperthyroid, had a stroke then started going down hill. She continued working for 2 more years, but had to stop cutting grass and gardening. I'm not blowing her horn here, but stating that age has nothing to do with ability to look after one's self. It is more health and willingness.
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126Cher, I am starting to be a *bystander* instead of more *hands-on* care for my parents who are in their 90's.

I, too, am an only child, since it was my parents choice to remain alone with their own home [which has a lot of stairs] I have to abide by their choice since they are still of clear mind. Do I like it, of course not, as I rather see them in independent living where they would actually have MORE choices then waiting for me to help them. My parents main needs is someone to drive them places, and I finally had to limit that to doctors appointments and groceries [I order on-line which has been a life saver]. But those appointments have to be scheduled around my work schedule as I cannot drop what I am doing unless there is an emergency.
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