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My Aunt is 88 yrs old on Medicare not Medicaid. She lives alone in her own home. She has dementia really bad. So, bad it's causing many problems for both of us. She isn't the type that wonders off she doesn't do that. She forgets everything. She forgets to take her medication at times. She misplaces her checkbook and calls the bank reporting her checkbook stolen. Keep in mind she pays all her bills with her checkbook. When she reports to her bank her checkbook is stolen. The bank stops her past checks going thru. Doing that causes bills not to be paid. Her checkbook was never stolen she just misplaces it all the time. She doesn't trust anyone. She accusing people of taking things or moving things when she's the person moving, hideing things her self. In her mind she thinks she's compatent. She tells everyone to go to Hell. She's very abusive to anyone that tries to help her. I must say she is a very hateful person all the time. So, hateful you don't even want to go see her because, you know what your in for if you do.
She refuses to go into a nurcing home. She refuses to have anyone move in to help her. She refuses to leave her home. She demands to live alone in her home. She refuses to spend a dime to buy things she knows she needs in order for her to stay living in her home alone. She Urines all over her home. She has news papers on the floor so she can Urine on. Because, she can't make it to the bathroom in time. I tell her, she needs to buy a bed pan and a tolet chair to solve these issues. She refuses to spend a dime of her money. She has the money but, refuses. I don't have the money to buy these things for her.
My wife & I go see her every other day if not everyday to check on her, buy her grocerys for her, wash her cloths, Bath her, pay her bills and bank runs ect. We do all as any other caregiver would do if not more. It's costing us money out of our own pocket to do this job. As example, $160 per month just on gas to go see her. If we would attempt to ask for gas money? We don't get a thing.
Legally, she's compatent to do what she desires to do. Because, she isn't taking pills for dementia makes her legally compatent. I took her to her doctor the other day and talk to her nurce at the office explaining that my Aunt is Urining all over the place in her home. The nurse tells me that's normal at that age. I was shocked to hear that. To me it's not normal for a person to live like a dog urining on news papers. In fact to me that should be incompatent. I am her Durable POA. But, since she's legally compatent I can't do a thing to help her. I can't spend her my without her permission as DPOA to buy these things she needs for her. To me I feel this DPOA is worthless for me to help her because, she's legally compatent. If I can't use her funds as her DPOA to fix these issues. I'm stuck! I can't do a thing to help her. By her refusing to spend a dime makes Us look like bad caregivers. People say to call the attorney well I did. I don't get anywhere calling the attorney about these issues. All the attorney tells me is, Sounds like you need Guardenship. Hummm, This DPOA isn't working and now I need Guardenship? What's this? I was just appointed DPOA 3 months ago by this Attorney. 3 months later he tells me Guardenship? Ooo more for me to do now and more money to do this. To me Guardenship sounds to extream. And if this was needed? Why didn't the attorney give me Guardenship in the first place? Three months later now Guardenship what's this? I'm not getting anywhere on this job helping my Aunt.If I was "Joint" on her bank account I wouldn't have these problems. This DPOA stops me from fixing these issues. Because, I have no rights to her spending funds to buy the things she needs that she refuses.
To me the only thing I see to do is wait until something happens to her. Sounds like I need to step back & wait until she falls and breaks a hip. I'm DPOA but I can't do a thing until she's incompatent? She needs to be told by a doctor she's incompatent. Well her doctor refuses to say the word seems he is waiting on me to say the word. My Aunt would disown me if she knew I was the feller that removed her rights. If I wait until she breaks a hip. I'm the bad guy. Requires money to prevent her from breaking a hip that I don't have. Since, my Aunt refuses and tells us to go to hell. I should just have this DPOA removed before she becomes legally incompatent. Why do I want to help a person that tells me to go to hell? Why should I help someone that isn't welling to help them self. They say it's because, of her dementia I must ignore her words. Well, she's still legally compatent at 88 yrs old. And not taking pills for dementia. So, we can't blame this on dementia can we. Is urining on news papers incompatent? Or is that just because, of her age? She was a rich, spolied lady all her life and always hateful to others. The hate isn't from dementia.
What's my options? What can I do? Any advise please? Should I remove my POA?

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According to Wikipedia and my attorney, a durable power of attorney is in effect as soon as it is signed - that's what I have from mthr. The aunt may have signed the paper work earlier, and told the atty to give it to you when he thought it was time for you to take over. (I think the atty gave the DPOA _papers_ to the OP).

A springing Power of Attorney requires the person to be declared incompetent first. Read yours carefully to see which it is. Then head down to her bank, talk to a banker and ask what you need to do with that POA you have to take control of her finances for her. You may need to get it registered at the courthouse, and you will need a copy with the filing date stamp on it for later use.

Once I had the DPOA properly registered, I went to the post office and rented her a PO Box and had her mail forwarded there. Now we had control over the bills. Went to the bank, ordered new checks with the PO Box on them, with old person's name, and my name with Power of Attorney after. All this is paid for with old person's money since it is for her benefit.

If she asks what happened to her mail, I would tell her that it is no longer safe for the post office to bring her mail to her, so you rented a post office box to keep people from stealing her checks. If she insists on a key, give her an old padlock key, not the mail box one!

One problem is that she may try to revoke your POA once you have started this process, so don't tell her until you have it registered and the banking done if you can help it. If she squawks, you can explain that her atty would not have given you the POA papers to use unless it was time. Then you can take her to the doc to have him tell her she needs help with her finances (not that she's incompetent since that can only be determined by a judge).
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I don't see how you can be held accountable for your aunt's living conditions if she hasn't been declared incompetent. All they'll have to do is see her living conditions and talk to her and you can tell them what you've told us here.

If I were you, I'd write it all out in paragraph form, that you can turn over to authorities if anyone asks about your part. But if you do that, be sure to use spell check and take your time to write clearly, so that you come off in the best light possible. Don't write one giant blob of text, break it down into paragraphs, so that it's easier to read.

Don't fail to take action because you're afraid of how it might impact you. Take action because it's the right thing to do for your aunt. If you're the one who calls the authorities, you're obviously looking out for her best interest. Start the ball rolling!!
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I guess I'm the troll here. My point is the same as others...it's time for you to take action.
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Hi dogabone,

You'll find some great support here and some wonderful suggestions. Just take what you want and leave the rest. Know what I mean? ;-)

I think the attorney probably thought that starting out as her POA was a logical place to start and the attorney was right. Someone needs to have POA over your aunt but having POA doesn't guarantee that your aunt will be nice or be any more willing to accept help even though it sounds like she truly needs it. I can understand why you are distressed over this.

Okay, so you have POA, you've tried to help your aunt and she wants nothing to do with it. She's peeing all over the floor and shows other signs of having dementia. I have no doubt she has dementia. She can't keep track of her checkbook and as a result cannot keep up with her bill paying and other business she may have. I would imagine that when she sits down to go over her bills and stuff it takes her hours because she's confused. She needs help and if she won't accept it from you, if she refuses anything you try to do on her behalf, then the others are right and it's time to call APS. They've seen this kind of thing a thousand times and I don't think you'll get in trouble. You don't even live there and you are pulling your hair out trying to find some way to help your aunt.

POA isn't a magic fix. It sounds like your aunt doesn't give a darn about you having POA. And as you said, she's been saving money all these years and it will probably go to support her living her last days in a nursing home which is NOT what she saved for. But she is a danger to herself as long as she lives alone and I can tell that you don't want her to hurt herself while she's alone even though she is horrible to get along with.

So you have two tasks: Call APS and call the attorney. Get things in motion. Even though your aunt doesn't want your help and is mean and nasty you can still advocate for her. She's very lucky to have you. From what you said it sounds like her behavior and personality would probably run everyone else off.

And don't pay any attention to anyone here who is not supportive. Don't feed the trolls :-)
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So as I understand what you have said, you haven't talked to her doctor about her incompetence because she would blame you. Since you haven't talked about it she hasn't been prescribed pills for it. Then, because she's still considered competent your hands are tied to help her because you don't have access to her funds. You are afraid to contact APS because you could be blamed for her living conditions. You said that she has dementia and then that the problem is that this woman won't spend her money. You are expecting this demented woman to make financial decisions? When the attorney gave you the DPOA a few months ago was your aunt competent then? Probably not. Did either you or your aunt understand what this would mean? How does an attorney "give" you a DPOA anyhow? Did your aunt even know what she was doing? If you think you are "stuck" and can't do anything to help the woman you really don't like you should either grow a pair and speak up so something will change for her and you, or give up the DPOA. It doesn't seem to be doing any good for her and is just irritating you.
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Thanks, blannie. Sounds like that is my next step is to call adult social services for a wellness check done on her. But, attempting to do that makes me worried about what they find. The adult social services knows I'm her POA. I also, reported to adult social services that I am her caregiver. Adult social services knows she lives alone. My worry is getting the finger pointed at me for her living conditions of Urine smells in her home. My wife & I try our best to do what we can for our Aunt's living condition. The problem is, my Aunt refuses to spend any of her money. She has the money to spend but, refuses to do so. She always says, what would I have done if I didn't save all this money. All that time of saving all that money she has, the whole time she thought it was for her retirement to live at home alone. She has no idea that she really saved all that money for a nurcing home. What ever reason of saving all that money is beyond the point anymore. If she goes into a nurcing home they will get it all anyway. So, what's the point in saving now. The time is now. It's time for her to start spending her money on her needs is what I tell her if she chooses to stay living alone in her home. She needs to buy a bed pan & tolet chair and have a ramp installed to her home before she breaks a hip. From her refusing to spend a dime is the problem. I'm done spending my own money on her. I don't get paid back for what I spend of my money because, I'm her DPOA. They say because, I'm her DPOA I can't take her checkbook and simply write a check from her funds for her needs. But, yet I'm her DPOA. This poa is worthless for me to do my job as her POA & Caregiver.Thanks!

As for, vegaslady, invalid ideas you say? I've talked with her attorney and other attorneys about this. This I stated is not invalid ideas, but in fact your giving oppinions without knowing the law. The only way a person can be incompatent is if a doctor found he/she incompatent. A elderly person can have dementia but, yet be compatent. The first thing a attorney will ask is,Is the client compatent? Was the client ever told by a doctor incompatent? Does she have dementia? Is she taking pills for dementia prescribed by a doctor? You can have cancer and still be compatent & active. So, read this, If you have dementia but,not prescribed pills for dementia by a doctor. Your compatent until told other wise by your doctor. If your taking pills prescribed by a doctor for dementia then your incompatent. Regardless your not incompatent until told by a doctor. Until then, your good to go. You say invalid ideas? No I don't think so. Read the Law. Varies by state.
invalid ideas? No.That's how this Law system is.Twisted rules and turns with holes in the road.In other words my Aunt it at the stage of a nurcing home but, she refuses.
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You need to get the local Area Agency for Aging or Adult Protective Services involved. Have them do a welfare check on your aunt. If someone comes into the home and sees her urinating on newspapers and talks to her, they may decide she's unable to take care of herself and you might get some action taken. Call your local Senior Services or mayor if you're in a small town to find out where to call the Area Agency on Aging.
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You have some invalid ideas on which you are basing your comments. Start with the concept that you can't have dementia unless you're taking pulls for it. What? Does that mean you don't have cancer, asthma, or diabetes etc unless you are taking pills for that? Consider how ridiculous that sounds.
The behaviors of hers that you described sure sound like she has dementia and possibly other health problems. You said you spoke to the nurse in the doctor's office. Talk directly to the doctor and lay it all out. The "nurse" you spoke to may have been some minimally trained medical aide who just gave you her inexperienced opinion. Really, you know better than to allow yourself to be told it's normal to pee all over the floor. It sounds like you don't like the person you have DPOA for and can't get up the nerve to talk to the doctor about her incompetency because "my Aunt would disown me". You are not the person who would be taking her rights away. Her competency is a medical/legal issue. If you aren't up to actually doing the work of acting in her best interests without being joint owner of her bank account you might want to resign from the burden of DPOA for the hateful woman you don't like. Call your local area agency on aging and ask for some help in guiding you and getting real help for her.
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