My husband and I are open to bringing my aunt to live with us but that may cause family problems. Any suggestions?

Those kind of comments can come from her desire to get her life back and the feeling that you are a safe person to vent to, we see a lot of them here on AgingCare. I think if cousin wants to move on with her life, and Aunt wants company and needs more help, then the solution for both of them is to find a placement for your Aunt. Since this is obvious to us on the outside I'm wondering what barriers there are that are making it difficult for the two of them. Your might want to spend some time trying to figure out what they are and helping them to overcome them.

That sounds very troubling. I wish you luck with your visit.

Thank you for all the advice. I am leaving in the morning for my monthly visit. I do bring tons of cookies, all her favorite baked goods. This situation has been going on for four years since the daughter met boyfriend online. To complicate situation boyfriend does not like mom and encourages daughter to come stay at his house.
Says mother is old and holding up their life together. He has told me this too. She does not work. Boyfriend frequently needs money. Long complicated story but bottom line my aunt is very dear to me. Daughter calls and emails me asking "when is she going to die?" Need I say more??

I agree that I would have to observe the situation in their home myself to really get an idea of what is going on. I know you want to believe your aunt, but, things sometimes are not as they appear. Even in people with no dementia, there are two sides to the story. It sounds odd to me that a frail person of 94 years of age would not need someone to be with them practically all the time, but, I'd go see why cousin is not on board with this. I'd be less concerned with hurt feelings than making sure that aunt was okay.

If Aunt had dementia, then, definitely she should not be alone for long periods. But if her only impairment is old age she really may not need more monitoring than she is getting. That is such an individual issue.

I agree with Pam that an in-person visit would allow you to assess the situation more accurately, but I understand how that may be very difficult given your role in caring for your parents.

When Aunt calls you crying, how do you respond? Have you ever suggested activities such as going to a senior center? Is Aunt open to such ideas?

Oreo, get off the couch and go there. See things with your own eyes. Note: do not wait on auntie, observe what she can do for herself . Cheer her up, bring some cookies. If you conclude she should not be alone, offer to help somehow. Just offer, do not issue ultimatums.

Well said FF. Aunt has the ability to change things... she can bring in caregivers or move to AL, perhaps even attend events at a senior's centre or adult daycare during the day. She shouldn't be looking to her daughter to provide and be her everything.

oreofields, if your Aunt is accepting of caregivers, she should tell that to her daughter and hire caregivers from a license Agency. But the Aunt would need to pay for this cost. Too many times elders will say "yes" but want someone else to pay the bill.

My Dad thought Social Security was paying for his caregivers when he lived at home. He was surprised when I told him "no" that the money was coming out of his savings, but he had no choice. That is when he decided it was less expensive to move to Assisted Living, which he really loved being here.

It doesn't sound like a good idea for your aunt to be home alone so much but by the same token your cousin probably needs respite from your aunt. Yes, your cousin is out of the house when she's working but she's working, not relaxing or enjoying a period of stress-free time.

You've got your hands full with your parents. I can't see how adding another frail elderly person to your responsibilities would help anyone although I commend you for considering it. It sounds like you care for your aunt very much.

Why don't you talk to your cousin and ask her what she needs? Maybe a long weekend away every couple of months, maybe in-home help a few hours a day.
Before you make a decision regarding your aunt without discussing it with your cousin first see if some agreement can be reached where your cousin gets more respite and you don't have 3 elderly people to care for.

No, it is all true. Cousin is very active. Aunt would love someone to come in but cousin claims she has it covered when in fact she doesn't. The only exhausting thing she does is bring half of her lunch out every day and feeds it to my aunt for dinner. My aunt is even suppose to take care of cousins dog. Her social security check is suppose to pay for her expenses. My question is really does a person with limited income, 94 years old, frail need a full time person?

If your Aunt is 94 years old, then that means her daughter is probably a senior herself, or close to it. It's not easy taking care of an elder that age when one is dealing with their own age decline. As you and your husband well know with very elderly parents. And as I also know as my parents were in their mid-to-late 90's, lived in their own home, and each year it became more difficult and more exhausting.

Do you know if your Aunt refuses caregivers to come into the house, or refuses to move to Assistant Living? If the answer is yes, then I can fully understand your cousin wanting to stay overnight some place else... she probably is exhausted and burnt out. Is what she is doing right? Of course not. She herself needs help.

Is there any dementia in the picture? My Dad [95] had sundowning, and he would tell me he was at work, that he had missed the bus, so he will be staying in a hotel down the street. Well, my Dad was living in Memory Care when he made those calls to me in the evening. Dad was back in the 1940's in his mind.

Thus could it also be possible your Aunt is reliving the past when your cousin was dating and not coming home?