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I've read some of your posts. I have an 89-year-old mother with dementia who still lives alone. She is almost blind and can barely see enough to move in her own home. Her home is filthy. When I say dirty, I mean feces on the commode seats and sink in her bathroom. Kitty litter flushed down the back toilet, stopping it up—little litter all over the floor and things sitting all over the house. The commode in the back has overflowed. I live about an hour away and visit her when I can. Her dementia is to the point where she is hearing voices and has been for quite a few years. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital about 17 years ago, but managed to beat the system and get out. She has reached a point where she does unpredictable things. She thinks the stove is coming on, so she unplugs it. She believes the car is about to blow up. She cannot see to drive. She has a .38 pistol that she took into the courthouse a few weeks ago, and the deputy kindly let my son take it out to the car. I have to pay her bills but she refuses to reimburse me until she gets to the bank to look at her bank statements. She pays everything in cash and keeps a wad of money in her purse. She accuses me of driving up and down in front of her house and says my son and I have been there when we have not. She accused my wife of dying in Texas 3 months ago and the woman I am living with is not my wife. She is abusive, abrasive, and downright mean. I have financial POA and a copy of the Healthcare POA. Financial POA was registered. I just got the healthcare POA this week.
She needs to be in an assisted living but refuses to discuss it. I have tried to arrange for aid and attendance but she refuses it. I have tried to arrange for someone to take her to the store, and to pay bills. She refuses it. She went 4 days without food and I broke down and ordered her groceries today and paid her electric and water bills. I don't know if I am doing her a favor or not. I let her stew for a while to see if she would come around when she got hungry but she refused. STUBBORN!
I am open to ideas. I am not in the best of health myself from a bad surgery a year ago and am trying to recover. I work from home bu am expected to be available during my shift. I simply cannot run to her every week to take care of her needs and she has no intention of changing. She has proved she would rather die than give in to any of my suggestions.
Any ideas? Oh BTW, I am an only child.

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That is a challenging situation. Have you talked to the local Agency on Aging? There may be some services you can apply for. I find parents sometimes behave better for other people. It sounds like you need help, so if she has funds you can use them to hire help with her care. Sending you peace and comfort. Listen to your heart. Mentally ill parents deserve care, even if they were not a perfect parent. Try not to let her get to you, you are the grown-up now and she will need your maturity to get through this.
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As POA, you can have your mother placed w/o her consent. You may want to call APS, however, and report an elder with advanced dementia and blindness living in squalor alone. They may place her themselves once they get a gander of whats going on over there.

For what it's worth, nobody can prepare us for what dementia looks and acts like. The whole thing is a nightmare that can leave us, especially us only children, with PTSD before it's all said and done. I hate dementia with every ounce of my being and pray to God never to put my husband or children thru my withering away from it.

Best of luck to you.
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I'm hoping the pistol wasn't returned to her. When we signed my SFIL up for an in-home assessment we had to fill out a form and it asked if there were firearms in the house and because we said yes (.22 rifle) but also didn't know the whereabouts in the house they wouldn't come in until we found it and removed it. So IF she got her weapon back you may want to discretely remove it so that there's no reason any responder would refuse to go into her home when the time comes.
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When you call 911 make sure you advise them she has access to a weapon. Other than that nothing to add. Just wishing you luck from one only child of a mentally ill parent to another.
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This is untenable for you both. Geaton has given you good advice. Please stop discussing all this with your mother at all. The dementia means she’s lost the ability to make sound choices or have good judgment. All the discussion isn’t getting you anywhere and only frustrates you both. Time to take action, mom is not safe at all, and none of the band aids in her home are making her safer. She will likely never see this. She named you POA for just this situation. Review the documents, decide how much or little you can handle, and act, minus any talks or trying to justify your position. Mom is blessed to have you, even if she can never acknowledge it. I wish you peace
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Have you read the PoA document to see what activates your authority? Because if it's an official medical diagnosis by a doctor and you don't have this, then your PoA is not actually in force. Even if it was, you can't easily get a resistant, demented adult to do something they refuse. You may want to consider reporting her to APS. Tell them she is resisting any help from you inspite of being her PoA and that your health is suffering because of it. You may need to officially resign your PoA and allow the county court to assign her a 3rd party legal guardian. They will get her into a facility and then manage all her affairs, and use her funds to pay for it. Another strategy is to go there and call 911 and tell them "she's not herself and is refusing all care, she might have an untreated UTI" because this is considered a medical emergency, not dementia or terminal stubbornness. If the EMTs succeed in getting her to the ER (first take ample pictures of her filthy home) you will need to go there with her and tell the discharge planner that she is an "unsafe discharge" and show them the pictures. Tell then due to health reasons and her refusal of care that you will not take her in to your home. Then ask to talk to the social worker on staff to see about having her transitioned directly into a facility. If she becomes aggressive then they can move her to the psych wing to get her on meds. This is what they had to do for my cousin with a UTI and early onset ALZ. She was in that ward for many weeks before she''d comply with the meds, but eventually she did. I'm an only child, too. I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart as you work through finding an appropriate solution for her care.
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OnePreacher Jun 6, 2025
The financial POA is in force as I had to use it when she went into a mental institution 17 years ago, and I registered it at the courthouse. I have just received the medical Power of Attorney (POA), and it appears that, as her agent and a doctor, I must determine that she is unable to make proper decisions for herself, and then it can take effect.

I know I can ask the court to intervene, and then they will appoint her an attorney, and I'll have to hire my own. But I just don't have the funds for that and neither does she.

The UTI sounds like my only avenue at this point. I have two PhDs, an MBA and am a decorated veteran and they never prepared me for this.

Thank you for your suggestion!
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