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I have been overseeing my mothers care for 18 months now. I am burned out and everyday I wish I was dead so I can stop this insane merry go round I am on. My mother went into the hosp September 2013 for taking bogus pain medication that left her unable to walk, or go to the toilet alone, transfer to and from bed, dress herself etc. She spent 3 months being uncooperative in the hospital until they finally gave me the ultimatum: I had 1 hour to find a place for my mother. . Dec 18 2013 I found an ALF 45 mins from my home I was desperate and I took it. For 3 months while my mother was in the hospital I traveled to and from my home to her home to care for her animals, pick up her mail, to my work to the hospital back to her home and then to my home to care for my animals and find food and go to bed. In ALF my mother laid there in a coma like state for a year. I am an only child so I had no idea what to do with her house, animals or her. Now my mother is alert and mentally sharp and all better, sort of. Her only problem is she cant walk or care for her self. For 3 months while my mother laid in bed crying in pain I recently found out the care home removed all her pain medication from her. They wrote down that she received it only she did not get it. The Dr. said it is now my responsibility to be sure she receive her pain pills daily which is hard because I still work full time, I'm still taking care of her house, my house, the animals etc.. I want to sell her house but mom says it's her house she paid for it and she has the right to decide what sells and what stays. She wants me to put her stuff in storage and when I retire she wants me to find her a new home and move her and her stuff into it and pay to have a caregiver in her house with her. My mother was a compulsive shopper so her triple wide mobile home is full of the best and the most stuff she could buy. I am overwhelmed. I have lost most of my friends. The one friend I have left tells me to go to support group, she doesn't want to hear me. I find support groups do not provide the kind of help I need which is hands on. I have been working for 6 months to try to get her home ready for estate sale but I am tired. I don't want to do this any more. I go visit my mother 2-3 times a week. I still take care of her animals, I pick up her mail and try to care for her house and my life. Yesterday when visiting mom she said I can sell the house if I buy a new one for her in the event she walks again. If she doesn't walk again she wants to come live with me. I would rather die than live with my mother. She did not care for me when I was a child, I was sent away when I was 8 to live with people we never met and I was not allowed to come home until I was 17 and could care for my self. My mother has been a selfish bitch all my life and now because she has no family and I have no one I am being forced to care for her. I just wish I was dead.

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Im the only child...and its killing me.. I take care of her 24/7 and live in the same house.. I feel like 2 hamsters living a cage too small...
I hear about siblings who are there but never help... but there are some days the load is just too much..
I dread holidays... cause its just us.. and my daughter. who is an only child...breaks my heart that she may some day become me...I pray she finds some one some day and have a family and find out what it means to have extended family......
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Dupont24, I appreciate your honesty about how you feel toward your dad. I feel that way too sometimes, then I reign myself back in, and think "he's all I've got". A hard line to walk.
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I must commend you on your honesty. I wish we could go have a drink together. I care for my 86 year old father he is Mobil and can do a lot more for himself than he does. There are days like today I wish he was not here. He is very negative all the time. Please find time for yourself. It's easy for people to give advice as to what you should do. I can only say for me I do have times were I blow up and just walk out of his room and don't go back for a while until we both calm down. I'm also an only child so I'm all he has. Sometimes he needs to be reminded of this fact then his attitude changes for a while and so does mine. Please take care of you then you can care for her.
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I wasn't always an only child, but after my brother died after 8 years of cancer, my sister convinced my parents to sell their home in NY and move to a remote area of PA against my wishes (I live in NY and spent tons of time with them). My sister moved them, gave them a map and said good luck, find your way around. Three years ago, my sister died. Five months later, my mom too. Now I drive 100 miles each way, 2x/month. Dad has an aide during the week, but the drive to/from and the work while I'm there are wearing me out. I've visited several Assisted living places, and found one near me. I'm praying he likes it when we visit it next month. This website has given me great support and strength since I discovered it a month ago.
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Oh, man. I typed narco squad! Spellcheck got me again!
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I agree with Babalou....something is not right about the story of the pain medications and it sounds like someone may be trying to cover up for someone's addiction on the staff. I would speak to a nursing home ombudsman for advice on that. Can you have your Mom moved to another facility?
I too am an only child caring for my 92 yr. old Mom who cannot walk anymore. I did move her into our guest room and that was really rough on me as I was running in and out of there all day. She is temporarily in a nursing home for physical therapy after a hospitalization for infection, and receiving physical therapy. Does your Mom get physical therapy to help her walk? I don't expect that my Mom will walk again at her age, but the goal is to at least get her to stand for transfers to a wheelchair.
The nursing home she is in right now is very good....I was surprised as we had some bad experiences with 2 other places last year. Is there another facility your Mom could transfer to?
This has been the worst time of my life by far, seeing a parent go down and having to take over all aspects of her life. Maybe getting some of your Mom's things into storage and selling her home for a smaller place would make things easier on you. We caregivers have so much on our heads that I have learned to take things only one day...never more than one week at a time. It is hard doing it alone. I find many of us are only children and those with siblings tend to have the siblings not help.
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babalou - good call,
um - narcotic squad maybe? we don't need more narcissist lol
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Is the sw telling you stay out of the pain meds thing because the facility I'd medicating your mom properly or because she's afraid of losing her job? I'd get the ombudsman on the phone and ask for advice. Or maybe the head of the narcissistic squad...
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loreleih01 your profile says she has Alz/dementia. I gather that is not true. Still you have to look after yourself. She was hitting things when she was driving? Hmmm. Has she been evaluated for dementia or mental illness. You said she was a compulsive shopper I would sell her place, and find a better ALF if you can/want to. The pill story sounds strange, but if the social worker says to stay out of it I think I would. Do what you can manage. You don't have to answer 3 texts a day. I used to get up to 20 emails a day from my mother. I did not answer then all or even most of them. What I said about declining still holds true - she is getting older. Don't let her become the center of your universe. She is sucking the life out of you. Do some things for yourself. A support group is not a bad idea - even one on codependency. I think you also need to adjust your outlook and priorities. (((((((hugs))))))) do something good for you today.
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Lorelei, your profile says your mom has Alzheimers/Dementia, which is why Emjo was commenting to that effect. So you might want to update your profile.

You need to set clear boundaries with your mom. Do what you can and NO MORE. You are not her slave. Your are not bound to meet her every request - only those that you agree with and can do without harm to you - and that's mental/spiritual harm. I agree with cutting down on visits. See her once a week or even every two weeks. If she has an iPad and can communicate with you, she doesn't need you there to advocate for her.

The pain pill stuff is pretty disturbing - I'd be reporting that facility to the state, if I understand what you're saying about them taking her painkillers.

Sell her place, find a place for her remaining pet and do what you can to help her. But within the limits YOU set for yourself. Hugs...
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Thank you everyone. Your advise helps more than you know
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I'm not an only child but I am getting 0 help from siblings...so I might as well be one. Then since I have siblings.. I can add anger, resentment, hurt on top of everything else.

My parents live in independent living close to my house. My dad wants to go back to his lake house. They don't want to sell it so in addition to taking care of both my mom and dad I have to take care of that house as well.. its 90 miles away.

I handle all of their bills (for both residences), do all grocery shopping, dr appointments, errands as well as being stuck in this limbo with their old house. My mom doesn't even want to do a change of address so I have to forward their mail. (everything to make it more difficult). So in essence, I have a full time job while keeping up with 3 households on top of caring for both parents.. yep its a merry go round!

I understand what you are going through.. and feel for you! I want off too!
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The director of the facility is the one taking her pain pills. She says she gives them to her sister to dispose of cus she is a nurse. Pills do not expire that soon. The social worker said not to get involved w drugs. The dr said its my responsibility he is tired of this. Seriously everyone I go to for help piles more stuff on me to do. My mom has Ipad and sends me text couple times a day. There is nothing wrong with her other than she cant walk, dress, or go to the bathroom or get in and out of bed. Her mind is sharp.
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She does not have ALZ or dimentia
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Sounds like you have most of your ducks in a row. Yes, her current facility sounds a little suspect. Emjo makes some very good points. You need to get some distance from mom. It would help people respond if you broke down your posts into more defined questions. There's lots of knowledgable people out here who would like to help and are wishing the best for you.
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You have an impossibly heavy load.

First of all, never take her into your home. I don't care whether that is what she wants or not. It is not what you want or need and you can make decisions that are good for you - in fact you need to.

Your mother says to sell her home if you will buy another one if she walks again. I would be seriously tempted to take her up on this. Then you could be sure that she, if she walks again, is in suitable housing. At her age and with her history and with Alz she will not recover completely, though she may walk again. Alz will progress and she will decline. The doctor is NOT helpful! Have you spoken to him/her about the stress on you? Has she seen a geriatrician? No way you should be responsible for seeing that she gets her pills daily. That is what you pay the facility for. Have you talked to the director about it?

Why not decrease the number of visits to her to once a week and use that time to get on with the real estate sale prep. Your mother has Alz which means her brain is not working right. Do you know what stage she is at? She should not be making the decisions/calling the shots. That is what POAs are for. Can you hire an agency to get the home ready for sale? That would get one big responsibility off your shoulders.

I trust she does not have a car and a driver's licence any more. With Alz she should never drive again. She will not like that, but it is necessary.

I hope you do find a better ALF. My mother is in one in another city, and I see her a few times a year, oversee her care, and she is well looked after. I have been through the putting stuff in storage scene and still have one unit to empty. She will not need any of it again.

It might be helpful to have a chat with a social worker or your local agency on aging and get some ideas different from what the doctor is saying.You do not have to go to visit that often, especially since you are so tired. The newest figures are that 40% of care givers die before the person they look after. Please look after yourself. Make decisions that take your needs into account. You are a very important part of this equation. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))
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I found a home for two of the cats and I still have her dog and my 3 cats. I have all power of attorneys medical and financial that is the only way I could oversee her care and make decisions for her while in the hospital for so long. My name is on the checking account so I can still pay her bills and her space rent on the mobile home. For a year I did not attempt to sell it because no one would tell me if she would be coming home or ever be able to care for her self. I see now she cant but that doesn't mean in the future she wont be able to. This is the 2nd time I am doing this with my mother. Last time she was in the hospital for 6 months and then came home I got her a team of caregivers and they got her up and walking and in time she was back in her car hitting everything that got in front of her. She did not care. She does not qualify for Medicaid because her income is too high. I am in the process of trying to find a new ALF because this one is 45 mins from my home and now that my mother is mentally aware and not like the others they don't want to help her do things like toileting or bathing, they tell her to go in her diaper which I don't think is right. The caregivers are taking her pain medication 90 pills are missing the Dr tells me. He is being audited. The Dr tells me she needs to be in her own home with her dog and cats running around. He said that to me, the social worker and my mother just 2 weeks ago. Great!!! so much for support, I'm only one person. My mother says" excuse me" but I should want to take care of her, she is the matriarch of the family, me. she is only 79 so this is not going to end any time soon. I can make a decision for her but at this point she is lucid enough the Dr no longer ask me what I want. My mother decides. My friends say I'm just her b*tch. And a tired one at that.
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If you haven't already done so, look into getting power of attorney if mom is willing, or legal guardianship if she is not. Also what about her will, and medical directives etc. you didn't say how old she is. It it possible she could ever take care of herself again? It doesn't sound like it from what you describe. If you are to survive and have a life, mom needs to stay in care, sell the house ( check medicaid issues) and find homes for the animals. This is a horrible situation you're in. There are no easy answers, but forget any guilt and her anger. You have to do what has to be done.
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Wow! this merry go round has been going on too long. First, I would find homes for her animals. Have her mail forwarded to where ever she is at the moment. Then you need to help her realize that if the home is sold, the money will have to be used for her care. Is she wealthy? Let her know she can't live with you, under any way shape or form. Mom already has you jumping through hoops, it will be 10 times worse if you both live under the same roof. Get going. You can do this.
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