I am 71 so right between ur parents. My DH is 74. We own a 4 bedroom home. My DH mows our lawn and I still do the cooking and cleaning, when I feel like it.😊 We have 2 girls, 8 yrs apart in age, the oldest 43. We ask nothing of them. Actually Gson has been off work for a brain operation and I have handled all the paperwork involving Disability and Unemployment since his Mom works fulltime.
Unless your parents have health problems, there is really no need to depend on you. The more you do for them the more you "disable" them. Even if they have some challenges they need to do for themselves as much as possible. You are not responsible for anyones happiness.
Make a list of what you are willing and not willing to do based on what they can't do. If they can do it then they should. If they call you constantly, then u need to tell them to stop. Maybe a check in time like 7pm after dinner but before you sit down to watch TV for the night. One day a week you run errands. Have them make a list of what they need and if not important, it waits till errand day. Boundries. If you don't start now, it will become worse as they age. If they think you should mow the grass, if they can afford it tell them to hire someone. Same if Mom says she needs help cleaning, hire someone. If the house is getting too much for them, then maybe time to downsize. I don't believe in trying to keep parents in their own home at the cost of children being expected to do the upkeep or financially support them because the monthly income they receive no longer covers upkeep. Time to downsize to something they can afford.
I think parents forget what it was to work full-time and then come home to the responsibility of keeping a house up, running kids here and there and carving out some time for yourself. Then ur expected to do for parents too?
Beatty, one of our commenters on Forum recently said "No other solutions will be found if you continue to be all the solutions". I have a feeling I am going to be repeating her advice over and over and over again, and I have never seen it better stated. You are currently enabling your parents in thinking and behaving the way they are, and are doing them no favors. They are very young as age goes today. I am 78 and still do everything myself, home, garden, care, long walks and a lot of hobbies. None of my children live in my area. And if they did I would feel terrible to burden their lives with my needs. You need to sit with your parents and gently explain to them that children grow up and leave the nest, making their own homes, jobs, families, lifestyles. That you will do some few things for them, but that is ALL you will do. That they will need to plan for their present and for their future, which will NOT include dependency on nor living WITH you. You need also perhaps to consider sitting YOURSELF down and figure out what you are willing to do for your own life choices: what boundaries you need to create and maintain, what ways you need to decline doing for your parents in order to maintain their independence while they are able. Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker or other counselor who is trained in life passage changes to comb out your feelings, and better ways to move forward for yourself and for them.
My SO's parents are 75 and 79. A year ago they appeared to be fine, and then this fall both were not.
SO had lost his job due to the pandemic, the unemployment was running out, and his parents refused to pay him. They are 1 percenters and could but wanted to put it on me (I own the house and pay the utilities) to keep supporting them and their 1 percenter lifestyle on my dime.
In November, I told SO there could be no more of this, and if SO wanted to move back into their house and remain unemployed we would have to adjust the relationship. That or he could get a job, which is what they were insisting upon when this all started.
The job he eventually got pays 2x over what he had before. There aren't any more calls to fix their cat box, take them to the doctors or do their recycling. They ended up paying people for that and thankfully we are going on with our lives.
Your parents seem too young to be so "dependent" on you. Perhaps you're making yourself too readily available to them. Time to set some boundaries. You say that they are capable, so let them do for themselves. If they ask you to do something that you know they can do themselves, then just tell them no, sorry, I won't be able to do that. You might just have to learn how to use the word "NO" more often. Good luck.
Not sure of the details, BUT perhaps some boundaries are in order. What are they doing that you are having problems with?
Calling too much? Ask them not to or don't always answer. Or tell them you are not going to be available after X hour or something.
Asking you to do everything for them? Tell them you would like them to be more independent and offer some suggestions for how they can handle some things themselves.
riguidry, we need more information :) Your parents are very young to be needing someone to watch over them.... what are their health issues? Do they still live in their house, or do they live with you?
What things do you find myself doing for them?
I am also an only child, I had to chance my life style so that my parents could continue with theirs.
Unless your parents have health problems, there is really no need to depend on you. The more you do for them the more you "disable" them. Even if they have some challenges they need to do for themselves as much as possible. You are not responsible for anyones happiness.
Make a list of what you are willing and not willing to do based on what they can't do. If they can do it then they should. If they call you constantly, then u need to tell them to stop. Maybe a check in time like 7pm after dinner but before you sit down to watch TV for the night. One day a week you run errands. Have them make a list of what they need and if not important, it waits till errand day. Boundries. If you don't start now, it will become worse as they age. If they think you should mow the grass, if they can afford it tell them to hire someone. Same if Mom says she needs help cleaning, hire someone. If the house is getting too much for them, then maybe time to downsize. I don't believe in trying to keep parents in their own home at the cost of children being expected to do the upkeep or financially support them because the monthly income they receive no longer covers upkeep. Time to downsize to something they can afford.
I think parents forget what it was to work full-time and then come home to the responsibility of keeping a house up, running kids here and there and carving out some time for yourself. Then ur expected to do for parents too?
What do they need help with and how often are they asking?
I have a feeling I am going to be repeating her advice over and over and over again, and I have never seen it better stated.
You are currently enabling your parents in thinking and behaving the way they are, and are doing them no favors. They are very young as age goes today. I am 78 and still do everything myself, home, garden, care, long walks and a lot of hobbies. None of my children live in my area. And if they did I would feel terrible to burden their lives with my needs.
You need to sit with your parents and gently explain to them that children grow up and leave the nest, making their own homes, jobs, families, lifestyles. That you will do some few things for them, but that is ALL you will do. That they will need to plan for their present and for their future, which will NOT include dependency on nor living WITH you.
You need also perhaps to consider sitting YOURSELF down and figure out what you are willing to do for your own life choices: what boundaries you need to create and maintain, what ways you need to decline doing for your parents in order to maintain their independence while they are able.
Consider seeing a Licensed Social Worker or other counselor who is trained in life passage changes to comb out your feelings, and better ways to move forward for yourself and for them.
SO had lost his job due to the pandemic, the unemployment was running out, and his parents refused to pay him. They are 1 percenters and could but wanted to put it on me (I own the house and pay the utilities) to keep supporting them and their 1 percenter lifestyle on my dime.
In November, I told SO there could be no more of this, and if SO wanted to move back into their house and remain unemployed we would have to adjust the relationship. That or he could get a job, which is what they were insisting upon when this all started.
The job he eventually got pays 2x over what he had before. There aren't any more calls to fix their cat box, take them to the doctors or do their recycling. They ended up paying people for that and thankfully we are going on with our lives.
Calling too much? Ask them not to or don't always answer. Or tell them you are not going to be available after X hour or something.
Asking you to do everything for them? Tell them you would like them to be more independent and offer some suggestions for how they can handle some things themselves.
Be less available.
Make your own plans and have your own fun.
What things do you find myself doing for them?
I am also an only child, I had to chance my life style so that my parents could continue with theirs.