My dad is an addict. My whole life mess after mess. 4 years ago I moved away and it was great! Now he is old and had many hospital stays. I moved him here with a plan to get him in assisted living. He refuses and wants to buy a condo. I am trying to make good decisions but I am tired. Him living alone is a death sentence. But he refuses to go to assisted living? What do I do?

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So he is unable to live alone and there's no one who wants him in they're home. He wants to buy a condo and force you to be his caregiver? I want to buy an island and live on it by myself! My point is what I want to do is irrelevant in comparison to what I need to do. He evidently is not capable of making the best decisions for himself. If you are the primary decision maker it's your absolute duty to make decisions that are best for you and him. At the end of the day do what you want to do and you will have no regrets.
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Reply to MsHana1958
Beatty Jul 28, 2021
It does depend on who is the legal decision maker - if he is legally competent or not.

"He wants to buy a condo and force you to be his caregiver?"

You hit the nail on the head. A farce of *independent living* in his condo, with Onlychild at beck & call. Yikes.
The only thing you might have control over is how you perceive the situation - and maybe the best course of action is looking at the situation through a different lens.

Suppose his purpose in your life right now isn’t so you can fix dad. Maybe he’s in your life to help you learn that some things are beyond your control and to let go of burdens that aren’t yours to solve. If so, maybe for the first time, he’s a father doing right for his child. Accept the gift.

If he gets in too deep, call 2-1-1 and let the professionals do what they’re trained to do,

God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
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Reply to Erikka

Is he deemed to be competent? If so, I guess you might let him do what he wants to do. But you do not have to help him do the things that you think are wrong. If he wants to buy a condo (I would not support that idea), then he will have to figure it out by himself. If he needs help with X, Y and Z, you could give him a contact number (with something like home health services) and tell him to talk to them about it. Maybe steer him to renting an apartment in a senior development.
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Reply to againx100

How about Dad goes to RENT a condo for a *trial*?

Help him move if you want (I'd help him hire a truck) & set him up an appointment with his local Area of Aging.

1. He has his freedom.
2. You have him out of your home.
3. The most important bit: you are not a *Buffer* between his choice's & life's consequences.

If he succeeds Yay! If it proves to be less than yay, he can redirected to solve his own problems & speak to his case manager (if he doesn't have one, he can get one).

"Oh right Dad. That's tough. What are you going to do about that?"

You can be his daughter in the way you choose.

It is not reasonable for you pick up any responsibilities because he decides to put them down.

His life - his way, can be his motto.
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Reply to Beatty

If your father is an addict, of course he won’t agree to moving into a facility – he wouldn’t be able to get his fix. You can’t mend this. However much you care about him, you need to sort out your own situation. Many, many posters on this forum have had to watch helplessly as (usually) an alcoholic parent kills themselves painfully.

Find a professional (social worker etc) who can tell you the options. THEN decide what you do. Just accept that it will be ‘least worst’, not a nice easy solution.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen

It's wonderful that you are trying to be a caring and concerned child but you need to consider your own health. If you worry yourself to death..... what will become of Dad then? He is an addict. That in itself is a death sentence.
If possible, get him to a doctor for a full physical and medical workup and see if he is deemed competent. If he is found to be competent, he has the legal right to make his own decisions and buy the condo. You can suggest that he might wish to set up important paper work in case he is hospitalized in the future (DPoA, Medical Proxy, Will etc) but he is on his own and you can may make suggestions but you can't plan for him.

Good luck and peace on this journey and remember to care for yourself.
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Reply to geddyupgo
NeedHelpWithMom Jul 27, 2021
Great advice. This may be her only solution to this situation. She may have to allow him to buy the condo. Otherwise, he will drag her down. The stress of trying to care for an addict is brutal.
Being an addict is a death sentence. Let him move into his own condo.
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Reply to SweetSioux

Is Dad still deemed competent to make legal or medical decisions for himself?

Has he become a patient of your Doctor? If so, ask that question. If not, get an appointment & ask.

It makes a big difference going forward.
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Reply to Beatty

As an only child you CANNOT make yourself responsible for moving mountains (achieving the impossible).

If your father has financial resources, use HIS FUNDS to contact a family practice/geriatric legal specialist to discuss the complexities of his situation and clarify your rights.

If you cannot manage his care and he will not cooperate with your efforts you will need to make decisions based on your responsibility to yourself.

Your father does not deserve your consideration based on his age. Determine the steps you need to take in order to evict him from your home and get him public assistance.

You are worth taking good care of yourself!
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to AnnReid

I just read your profile. Your dad isn’t capable to live alone. You are running on fumes. How much longer do you think that you can handle caring for your dad?

Call Council on Aging in your area Contact a social worker and explain your situation. See what recommendations they have.

Would you be willing to evict your dad?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

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