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Hello everyone. I'm so glad that I found this forum this evening. I am feeling so alone, which from reading this forum, is not uncommon.

My mom, who just turned 72, is in rapidly declining health. She lives about 40 minutes away--close enough, but far enough to be a challenge when you're having to make the trip several times a week for groceries, laundry, and other things that come up.

In any case, without going into a lot of detail here, I am feeling completely overwhelmed.

I do not have siblings, and there is no other family to lean on--I'm it.

I'm also single, trying to hold down a job, and trying to manage two households. My mom just got out of the hospital, and so we do have in-home care for now. But I know that will soon end. I cannot afford to pay for continued in-home care, and I doubt whether she will spend her money for it.

I feel overwhelmed, trapped, exhausted, stuck, but also grateful that I am able to help her out. I'm reading these posts and recognizing that many people are dealing with far more than I am. I'm just at the beginning of all this.

I'm not really sure what my question is. Just interested to hear how other only children or sole caregivers have coped and what the options might be once Medicare stops paying for in-home care.

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Hey Jenny -

Welcome - there are quite a few onlys on this board. You are in good company. To answer your question, I've been a solo caregiver for 6 going on 7 years. My mom lives with me at my place - its been a challenge but it can work and be a positive. Personally I am glad I made the decision to do it.

I would like to first point out that you may eventually feel lucky when you read some posts about spouse / family conflicting issues mixed in with caregiving. You have a degree of autonomy that makes it easier to weigh your options on care - alot will depend on your relationship with your mother, and how you deal with ambiguity.

Just be prepared to keep an open mind and don't let anyone tell you there is only one answer - only you can decide since your situation is unique to you & your mom. It helps to research her conditions and pay close attention to nutrition and her environment.

Best advice I can give is that you should decide what outcome you want to achieve, and then work backwards on solutions while crafting a plan. Part of the plan should include taking care of yourself (in small everyday way).

Once again, welcome - this site is a big help ....
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Yes, Jenny, there are many "Onlys" here. You'll find many with siblings would prefer they didn't have to deal with the sibling issues that often arise. It's lonely when you don't have someone with whom to share the load, but when that someone is just criticizing you, it's sometimes better. Ideally, we'd all have wonderful siblings to help and all would be lovely. The real world often doesn't work that way.

So, chat with onlys here online and that will help. Also, look into all of the respite help you can find. Your aging services people on your state's Web site are a good place to start.
Carol
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Hi Jenny. I'm an only child too. It's very hard. I did the grocery shopping, banking, cleaning, etc. for my mom too. Know that you are not alone. There are plenty of us out here. My mom is very independent and never wanted any outside help, other than help from me. She fired everyone I set up for her from lawn cutting to housecleaning. It is never easy. It is most frustrating to say the least. But through all of it, please remember to be kind to yourself, do at least one thing for yourself each day, even if it means plopping in front of the tv to veg out. It will help your sanity. You may want to look at your state's Area on Aging agency. They are a godsend -- after your mom's in-home care ends, many areas on aging offer home services such as cleaning, laundry, errands, personal care for your mom. I wish you good luck, and peace for yourself. It is hard. Try to remember that our moms cared for us when we were little, now the roles are reversed. We have to take care of them now. Take care.
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Hi Jenny,
I am not an only child, however, I am the only one that cares for my mother. She lives with me and I have no family in this state so I may as well be an only. I get no help from anyone and I do not ask. It is not worth the hassle. It is my priviledge to taske care of my mother. She was always wonderful to me. It is challanging. She is 88 years old. I wish the best for you and your mother. Take care.
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Hi Jenny,
I also am not an only child but I am the only one who lives near my mother, who is 88, and therefore the sole caregiver. My brother lives in Ontario Canada and doesn't seem to care much and I don't ask for his help. My husband and I are working full time. My mother is still in her own home which is about 7 houses away from us. She too is rapidly declining. My mother had a knee replacement in May 2006 and now the area around the knee is very painful-she can barely walk with a walker, she can no longer cooks or drives-we may need a wheel chair soon if the doctor cannot help the pain. I take care of all her laundry, banking, driving to doctors appointments; my husband does most of the shopping and cooking-thank god. I have been researching assisted living facilities in our area thinking I may evetually have to move my mother into one. It has been difficult-we try to keep the weekends to ourselves unless there is an emergency.
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Jenny- even if you were one of5 or 10 kids you might not have any help I have been so busy being a caregiver for my husband the last almost 10 years and my sister has had to deal with a lot now I will be able to be of some help since my husband passed away a week and a half ago-and this week I am going to a family event and will do as much as I can to help even though my heart is not in it but it is too late to back out of and now that I can be of some help I feel a reason but as you will see on this site most of the caregivers do it all alone-I hope you keep sharing your life with these good folks-they will save your sanity and I think it is better than a call from a good friend because you can go on any time 24/7 and vent and get comfort and caring-even though my role has changed I will continue to be a part of these saints -it is a great part of me after about 1 1/4 years and I am going to be active in getting help for elders in my county-You will be cared for herthis site is a daily blessing to many
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This goes to show you that even if you aren't technically an only child, you can end up feeling just as lonely. It's never easy.
Carol
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Yes; how about an only grandchild taking care of a grandparent (both parents deceased)
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Thank you so much to everyone for your advice and support here! I have definitely landed in the right place! It's good to know that I am not alone.
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I'm an only child, too, and taking care of my 92 year old mother. Although I'm grateful that she has mild dementia, but every day is a challenge. There are days I am too overwhelmed to think. I retired early (because I could) with the thought of taking care of her. A few years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety symptoms so some days are harder than others.

I'm a bit upset with my cousins, because they don't even call or stop by to visit mother. I haven't gone on vacation in a long time and sometimes I get very upset because everyone else is going on vacation.

I've also put off knee surgery, because I don't think mom can be alone for 2 weeks. At night she gets paranoid and she is beginning to think there are other people in the house when there isn't.

Each day is a challenge for me and mom. I will try to do my best for as long as I can.
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bohmger, I hope you get some in-home help or adult day care for your mom. You will burn out. Your intentions are wonderful, but you can only do so much alone, and your health is already suffering.

I know it's hard to get help, and your mother is used to only you caring for her, but this will get harder too. It's probably time to gradually introduce her to other types of help before you have to make a major move because your health can't take it anymore.

Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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I worked with my grandmother (89) to bring in PT help to "make her life easier" while I work. This lady is a housekeeper/eldercare person who comes in once a week for 2-3 hours to clean the house and do minor things around the house she cant do or has trouble doing; even an occasional ride to the drugstore. This lady costs her $40/week but its more than worth it. As my grandmother got used to the idea she loved it and now she has a "friend" she enjoys seeing every week in addition to not having to worry about the "heavy" things around the house (vacuuming, bathrooms, kitchen, etc.). I still help her out 3 days a week and with emergencies but it puts a balance in both our lives that we are both happy with.
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I am the only Son left and after a bad fall and doctors telling me Mother could not fend for herself anymore, my Wife and I decided to let her move in with us. My situation is rather unique in that Mother was raised in the NE and we are in Texas. Well, the NE is considered the Holy Land to her and nothing "down here" makes her comfortable. We hooked up with a Home Health Care organ. paid for my medicare (she does have to be recertified every 1/4 but no problem) and they bathe, vitals, etc. Visits are 3 times a week and work out well. My suggestion, take it for what it is worth, do your best to keep your parent in the home she now is in. Last resort would for your parent to move in with you. Been there done that and it can make or break you depending. I would exhause every avenue before your Mom moved in with you. Check out Senior Day Care facilities. A great way to have her interact with people of her own age. I highly rec. getting her involved in a church family, God can work miracles!
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Hi Jenny-I have a brother but he has abused my parents-he stole money from them and kicked them out of his house they paid a lot of rent to live in ($1700/month on fixed income). So, I am an only in some respects. You are doing so much that my first thought is that I hope you can think through some things that will make taking care of your parent easier on you. You cannot keep this up because you'll wear yourself out. I know I need to learn to take better care of myself instead of putting everyone else first. Can you set things up so they are easier for you? Maybe laundry service or having your Mom closer? You are not alone!
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Jenny:
I am an "only" whose father is in a VA nursing home, his wife and I rotate days so that he has someone up there with him every day, I am married and have a full time job. Dad is 73, and pretty much bed bound. Any time he wants out of the bed he has to have two people and a Hoyer Lift in order to get up, it is a process!
I pay his bills, do his laundry, do whatever shopping he wants done, and sometimes fix meals to take up there. He is getting very forgetful and sometimes doesn't remember what he tells me to do. He had me just about clean out his room and take all of his things to his wife's house, then started saying that his stuff had been stolen! Got that cleared up quickly!
He was having some issues earlier that, thankfully, have gone away...but he still angers quickly and cries at the drop of a hat over nothing and is still quite demanding, but I am learning to say "no, I don't think that is going to work for me" and we find another solution to whatever, and since I have starting setting boundaries with him I feel like I have more of my life back.
Hang in there, we are all pulling for you!
Ava
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My parents are able bodied at 72 and 76 but my mother has a spending problem and I'm worried about their finances. They live in a house we bought for them a year ago-in order to help get their finances under control and provide them with some peace of mind. Does anyone know anything about setting up a conservatorship? I don't believe I can get power of attorney since they are of sound mind. They live in Massachusetts. Thanks in advance.
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Hi Jenny:

My mom lives in Clearwater, FL and I live in Louisville, KY. She visits me every summer for about 3 months. I'm an only child also and going through an extremely difficult transition or awakening, what ever you want to call it. This summer when she came in to visit I was in shock. She is sooo skinny and I really don't know her anymore. I went to Florida for Christmas and she seemed fine. However, now I feel like I've lost her before I actually have. She is not the Mom I've always known and could count on because she use to be the rock we all would turn to. She would hold our family together and now that person is gone. I don't know what to do, I feel so alone! I have a 17 year old son living with me. So I'm actually caring for both. I'm single and work full time. I first go to work a full day at the office, then come home and work a full day/night also. I'm losing weight and I can't sleep, I've been soooo upset. I need help with her, but have nowhere to turn now. She thinks everything is fine?????Just know you are not alone. Please keep in touch. Vicki R.
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I am an only child. I take care of my disabled mom all by myself...24-7. I too am overwhelmed, feel stuck and trapped. I feel I have lost my life. I love my mom, but am I supposed to give up my life to take care of her? I have taken care of her for 4 months and I am getting more depressed by the minute. I wish I had helpful tips support or guidance, but I don't. In home care is probably the cheapest answer unless your mom can live in assisted living or residential living. My mom needs too much care for those options. She will probably have to go to a nursing home. But that is really expensive. But she thinks that may be her destiny. I would hate that, but I have to live my life. That may sound cold, but giving 14-7 care is killing me. Good luck Jenny.
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You are not cold. Yes, a nursing home is expensive. You will still be a caregiver if she is in a nursing home, but if she needs that much care, you can't safely do it all alone. Once her assets are used up, she will qualify for Medicaid. You may want to see an estate attorney if she has many assets.

Please let her know you will still be her advocate and caregiver - there will just be more help. Make her room as nice as possible with her own things (there is limited space, but some personal touches help a lot). If she can afford a private room, at least for awhile, that helps the transition.. Work closely with the staff and be a part of the team. You will both be fine. The way it is, with no help, you are at risk of serious illness, and then where would your mother be?


Take care of yourself, too.
Carol
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It's very hard to take care of an elderly parent when you're an only child. The best thing you can do is reach out for help. Ask Medicare if they'll cover homecare and find a good agency. Your best bet is to use a homecare agency that offers ClearCare care management software. That way you'll be totally reassured your loved one is being properly cared for. It's great peace of mind and lets you have a much-needed break.
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