Only child caring for elderly Mom w/cancer who won't see her doctor. Advice?
My mom is 80 years old.
I'm her only child (I'm 54 w/bad hip bursitis) but still work.
My mom has Asthma, spinal degeneration, osteopenia & possibly cancer.
We noticed a lump in her chest about her breast last Doctor visit in April this year.
When the doc suggested mom get some testing down for the lump she broke down crying & said she doesn't want any treatment or " to know anything" because she watched her mom die of breast cancer 30 years ago & how she suffered w/all "poisons they gave her" (chemo, radiation, surgery, etc).
So just last week my mom fell because she was extremely dizzy and has been dizzy since the doc appt.
She refused to go to the hospital when she managed to crawl to her bedroom & call me on her cell phone.
Paramedics had to come to get my mom off the floor into her bed (I was alone & could lift her).
I have been over to my kind every day to keep her company, refill her water bottles, clean up a little, etc.
She hasn't washed her hair in 5 months, doesn't bathe (she's not gotten into the tub/shower for fear of falling) and she's so off balance she can't/won't even attempt a "horse bath" (she said she was doing this prior to her fall) and smells of urine really bad since she doesn't change her sweat pants very often.
She has a weaker, and will on occasion make it by herself during the time I'm not there to go to the bathroom to potty, but she mostly urinates in a small, plastic bucket which is in her bedroom beat her bed.
The smell as soon as you enter the house in unbelievable.
I'm am ashamed to say I am totall embarrassed to have ANYONE come to her house because of this.
I keep telling my mom she needs to get some medical help because she can't "heal" her sore body (from the fall) at home.
She needs to be in a hospital where she can get the correct help, physical therapy, etc.
She starts crying and says "I'm killing her by the way I talk her"...
She is very manipulative & becomes very angry w/me when I suggest anything.
She keeps saying to me "your tired huh of taking care of me aren't you?"...
Always throwing the guilt at me & then we argue...
God knows I love my mom but being around her is becoming very, very stressful & I am lost at what is going to happen to her if her situation continues & gets worse.
I have no power of attorney (she won't allow it).
No additional income to pay for a visiting nurse for my mom.
Impetus ally filed bankruptcy last year because my income was so low helping out my mom.
She is on Medicaid & Medicare.
Has a reverse mortgage on her home w/only $50-$60,000 left as equity so a nursing home isn't an option.
I am depressed I know over this but I won't take an anti depressant drugs my doc may prescribe.
I do have hypertension, but thank god it is controlled w/my meds.
PLEASE, PLEASE someone tell me what my options are if any??
Can my mom qualify for someone to come at least x2 a week to help bathe, & care for my mom that will be covered by Medicaid or Medicare??
15 Answers
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I can't barely support myself.
I wish I could have made more money to help out my mom.
She should be at home, in her house not in some nursing home.
This is a nightmare, something I grew up hearing about.
In my family we don't put our loved ones in nursing homes, we take care of them ourselves in our home & pay for help when needed.
That's how it's supposed to have gone for my mother & I am so ashamed.
I am developing severe anxiety over this, last night, no sleep, was sweating, short of breath, diarrhea, shaking, & my heart races.
Maybe my doctor can give me something to take the edge off I'm don't know.
I already take BP meds so I'm worried I may have a heart attack & die before my my mom then she will be left all alone.
God this is so hard.
Where do you find any relief??
Turns out her doctor is recon ding mom go to a rehab facility for now.
I'm sure if you are scared enough to turn down a whole class of helpful meds due to one person's tragedy, you can certainly understand your mother's assumption that she has the same type of cancer as her mom, and that the result will be identical.
She needs to use some of her reverse mortgage monies to hire in home help, or better, to private pay an AL or NH. She will have a better choice of facility if she can private pay at first.
She lived alone w/her pets, but the last seizure she had must have been bad because she wasn't found for a couple of days when she died.
It was determined she fell & hit her head while having the seizure.
The medical research community is making great strides when it comes to cancer. A lot has changed in 30 years. There could be a chance that the lump is just calcium or if it is cancer that it could be treated with boosting one's immune system [which is new for treatment in the cancer community from some types of cancer, still in the beginning stage].
As for washing her hair, there is a dry shampoo shower type cap that is used which works pretty good. The nursing homes uses it on my Mom and her hair looks pretty good afterwards. Walgreen's has it, it's called No Rinse Shampoo Cap and it's inexpensive.
Why on earth would you refuse antidepressants ?
The $50-$60,000 is what's left of her reverse mortgage (how much she can take from the house).
A reverse mortgage is usually taken my elderly who are low income, and that's why she qualified for Medicaid.
This is 60% of what's causing all the stress for me because if my mom had more money (she has no savings, stocks, NOTHING) I would be able to get her quality care.
When your poor & sick, you definitely suffer more.