Only child caring for elderly Mom w/cancer who won't see her doctor. Advice?


My mom is 80 years old.
I'm her only child (I'm 54 w/bad hip bursitis) but still work.
My mom has Asthma, spinal degeneration, osteopenia & possibly cancer.
We noticed a lump in her chest about her breast last Doctor visit in April this year.
When the doc suggested mom get some testing down for the lump she broke down crying & said she doesn't want any treatment or " to know anything" because she watched her mom die of breast cancer 30 years ago & how she suffered w/all "poisons they gave her" (chemo, radiation, surgery, etc).
So just last week my mom fell because she was extremely dizzy and has been dizzy since the doc appt.
She refused to go to the hospital when she managed to crawl to her bedroom & call me on her cell phone.
Paramedics had to come to get my mom off the floor into her bed (I was alone & could lift her).

I have been over to my kind every day to keep her company, refill her water bottles, clean up a little, etc.

She hasn't washed her hair in 5 months, doesn't bathe (she's not gotten into the tub/shower for fear of falling) and she's so off balance she can't/won't even attempt a "horse bath" (she said she was doing this prior to her fall) and smells of urine really bad since she doesn't change her sweat pants very often.

She has a weaker, and will on occasion make it by herself during the time I'm not there to go to the bathroom to potty, but she mostly urinates in a small, plastic bucket which is in her bedroom beat her bed.
The smell as soon as you enter the house in unbelievable.

I'm am ashamed to say I am totall embarrassed to have ANYONE come to her house because of this.

I keep telling my mom she needs to get some medical help because she can't "heal" her sore body (from the fall) at home.
She needs to be in a hospital where she can get the correct help, physical therapy, etc.

She starts crying and says "I'm killing her by the way I talk her"...

She is very manipulative & becomes very angry w/me when I suggest anything.

She keeps saying to me "your tired huh of taking care of me aren't you?"...

Always throwing the guilt at me & then we argue...

God knows I love my mom but being around her is becoming very, very stressful & I am lost at what is going to happen to her if her situation continues & gets worse.

I have no power of attorney (she won't allow it).
No additional income to pay for a visiting nurse for my mom.
Impetus ally filed bankruptcy last year because my income was so low helping out my mom.

She is on Medicaid & Medicare.
Has a reverse mortgage on her home w/only $50-$60,000 left as equity so a nursing home isn't an option.

I am depressed I know over this but I won't take an anti depressant drugs my doc may prescribe.
I do have hypertension, but thank god it is controlled w/my meds.

PLEASE, PLEASE someone tell me what my options are if any??

Can my mom qualify for someone to come at least x2 a week to help bathe, & care for my mom that will be covered by Medicaid or Medicare??

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I think she needs a helper at home.
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No, no assets, savings, nothing except her house which is already in debt to a reverse mortgage. I feel horrible for my mom that as her daughter, I have failed her.
I can't barely support myself.
I wish I could have made more money to help out my mom.
She should be at home, in her house not in some nursing home.
This is a nightmare, something I grew up hearing about.
In my family we don't put our loved ones in nursing homes, we take care of them ourselves in our home & pay for help when needed.
That's how it's supposed to have gone for my mother & I am so ashamed.
I am developing severe anxiety over this, last night, no sleep, was sweating, short of breath, diarrhea, shaking, & my heart races.
Maybe my doctor can give me something to take the edge off I'm don't know.
I already take BP meds so I'm worried I may have a heart attack & die before my my mom then she will be left all alone.
God this is so hard.
Where do you find any relief??
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Does she have any assets that can be spent on her care? Sometimes places that "don't accept Medicaid " will accept a patient if they can pay privately for some period of time. Ask the discharge planning department about this.
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From what I was told, they only will accept Medicare for so many days, after that she may have to go to a different facility that accepts Medicaid :(
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That's really good news, I think. It would be great if this is a facility that will let her stay on as a " Medicaid pending" patient.
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She's being transferred to rehab tomorrow from the hospital.
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So, is she going to rehab as a private pay patient, or is she in the hospital now and eligible for Medicare to cover rehab?
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Her house is not in good repair & not a good set up for in home help.
Turns out her doctor is recon ding mom go to a rehab facility for now.
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Well, I guess one person's bad experience is scary to contemplate.

I'm sure if you are scared enough to turn down a whole class of helpful meds due to one person's tragedy, you can certainly understand your mother's assumption that she has the same type of cancer as her mom, and that the result will be identical.

She needs to use some of her reverse mortgage monies to hire in home help, or better, to private pay an AL or NH. She will have a better choice of facility if she can private pay at first.
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Babalou the reason why I won't take any drugs is because a friend started taking a new Amit depressant, she started getting seizures from them.
She lived alone w/her pets, but the last seizure she had must have been bad because she wasn't found for a couple of days when she died.
It was determined she fell & hit her head while having the seizure.
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