Is there an online caregiver's support group? - AgingCare.com

Is there an online caregiver's support group?

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Mom is 87, can't drive/severe visual deficit [3 cornea transplants]; 4 strokes; mobility problems due to residual stroke damage/left leg weakness and pain; memory [especially short-term memory - but she's not referring to any events prior to her strokes, either. Her son/my brother died in 2012 and she tells anyone anywhere [if i can get her into a store for exercise, but she stops and tells people - even those with young kids with them, that her son died. She gives me icy stares when i ask a question. She wishes i were a] dead, b] can't wait until i am blind d] can't wait till i have a stroke.

i'm disabled from progressive spinal diseases - which is getting worse. But i must got through back/neck surgical procedures, i'm in leg braces and a neck brace, am on 59 doses of meds and must monitor/help mom with her meds and required eye drops. But she screams.... and every day she says she hates me.

It's hard - and treats me as though i caused every problem she has. i get no support from my other sibling - one has regular/daily 'giggle fests' -- and i get chastised by her for encouraging mom to 'use her talents' -- or even empty the diswasher. She can do it, but she downright tells me NO. i want her to stay active instead of working Word Search books all day long. She used to garden - now she moans/groans when i get excited to tell her the tomato is ripe! [i let her pick it].

That hurts -- i'm a business entity, and no longer a daughter. An errand runner [she insists on sitting in the car - no matter how hot or cold it is] In the store, she'll talk to any stranger she passes - but doesn't say a word to me.

i need a reference materials as i can't handle much more - especially the anger, mood swings, outbursts, and her refusal to even have a pleasant conversation or pull weeds together [we've gardened together for over 20 yrs. i'm disabled, and she was my care giver... and i do every thing i can to contribute to the household needs - but now the entire house, the errands, bill paying, RX, laundry, Dr appts for me and her - scheduling it all - is on my plate. Meanwhile, she grouses/throws tantrums at taking maintenance meds that will help her reduce her pain. Short-term memory is [selectively?] shot, though - some is real, some isn't... i don't know why she's doing that to me. i don't know why she hates me - will she always? This is the progression of a caregiver's ultimate role?

Is there a support system .... anywhere? Or did i find the right place to come?

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You found the right place, Crickett. This is a very large group where you'll find people who have had very similar experiences to yours. Even when we haven't had identical experiences, we can commiserate.

Your frustration is very human and understandable. Of course it hurts to be treated like this.

With your own health issues, it seems like you are trying to do way too much. This site has many people who are trying or have tried to provide hands-on care to mothers who have personality disorders which is what this sounds like.

It's possible that her strokes change her personality a lot but this seems to be extreme. Your sister's lack of help - even egging your mom on - is deplorable.

Whatever the cause, you do not deserve to be treated like this. I would recommend placing your mom in some professional care facility or getting her into her own place with in-home care.

Keep checking back to hear from people who really have walked in your shoes.
We're here to listen and proved what help we can.
Carol
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Just checked your profile and see that you live in the "family home." In whose name is title vested? If it's your mother's, she has an additional club over you in that you at this time apparently have no other place to live.

Contact Area Agency on Aging or a social worker if your county has an elder service, and find out how to apply for Section 8 housing, as well as any other entitlements for which you might be eligible.
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I agree with Carol. Your mother's treatment is abusive, demanding and discourteous. And given your own health issues, it's too much for you to try to care for her.

Time to find a placement and focus on your own health before it's too late.
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Hi Crickett, you have way too much in your plate - for both you and your mom. Your sister sounds like other siblings that I've read here on AC (agingcare.) As for your mom, was she always like this - even before her stroke? My dad was always verbally and physically abusive. When he had his stroke about 2 years ago (? time sure flies), the nurse told us that usually when a person has a stroke they become either nicer or worse. My dad became worse. That's why I asked how your mom was before the stroke. I wouldn't want to stay in such an environment. With my dad, even before his stroke, I hated to wake up and find him entering my bedroom just standing there. I started locking my bedroom door.

It must be very difficult for you. Are you and/or your mom having any kind of government help? When my mom became a handful for dad (accused us of stealing from her, or hiding her stuff so that we can make her go crazy, etc...), he started to make phone calls. He got mom enrolled in the gov't program for senior citizens - to service mom 4 hours a week. Instead, he asked them to make it 1 hour per visit for 4 days of the week. Since the time my mom was bedridden for 13 years, I only one time sponge bath mom.

He also was able to enrol for both of them the meals-on-wheels. And he also found a program that provided caregiver respite (a mini break). And a program that allowed us a large discount off pampers, wipes, late gloves, etc....

I think we caregivers get the brunt of our parent's hatred. My dad views me as a 'communist' because I do what is Right and not what He wants. I'm the bad daughter.

As for reference materials, I'm ordered sooo many books, I don't read it. I've also downloaded several ebooks and still haven't even read one book. I have found that I learn a lot from here, then I google more info. YouTube is the best tutorial, to me.
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Hi Crickett
If you live in New Jersey let me know. I am a Geriatric Nurse Practitioner and Dementia practitioner. I facilitate support groups for caregivers. Please let me know if you are in New Jersey.
Thanks
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Practitioner, "how" do you facilitate support groups? Do you work with hospitals, facilities and patients to create them? Do you act as "leader" at the meetings? Notwithstanding your posts here, how generally would people go about finding one of your groups? And I assume these groups are all free to participants, or is there a charge for your service?

I was searching for a support group in another state and found that most of them were at assisted living facilities, which have an obvious interest in hosting them. I'd rather find an independent one or one hosted by a hospital.
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I facilitate in the library, memory home and as of September will do in the hospital. No charge
Thanks
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Librairies are an excellent idea!
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