One year after dad passed, I only remember his struggle. How do I cope?
My dad died around this time last year. Family dynamics were challenging. Dad lived with mom in the home they bought 25 years ago, and he was her primary caregiver as she struggled with dementia the last seven years. He was three years older and had COPD. I knew the likely trajectory. It is actually what brought me to this site.
In spite of my attempts for home care and various other things for support, dad remained largely on his own. I believe it was what he wanted as he stubbornly refused what was offered. He actually did alright until two years ago when his own health declined. When conditions in their home became unsafe, I intervened and got them into an ALF. Dad died a couple months after that. Mom went to Memory Care.
What sticks in my mind are images of my dad struggling with daily activities and trying to make things good for my mom. The house and yard were physically in good shape, but the inside was cluttered. Dad struggled to make meals, make coffee, and get to the grocery store. His COPD worsened, and he even told me he was having a difficult time making it down the driveway to the mailbox. He was becoming forgetful and leaving sticky-notes around the house for reminders to do laundry and run the dishwasher, but he was unable to follow up on that. He never wanted to be in ALF, nor did he want his wife in MC. In spite of his efforts, he ended up exactly where they never wanted.
I just cannot get the images of his decline out of my head. I see the ignored sticky-notes around the house, cluttered table-tops that were once immaculate, and dirty clothes piled up. He never asked for help. When I would call on the phone, he always was cheerful and acted like everything was great. In his mind, I wonder if he was perhaps trying to be strong? Did he know the gravity of the situation, but was too overwhelmed to make decisions? When my dad passed, a friend told me that the bad stuff will fade, and I will only be left with the memories of the happier times. Is that really true for anyone? Or, do some of these things just stay with you and you just need to find a place to put them, and let them be?
This is what I've experienced. Although the sad memories do tend to fade over time they can resurface periodically in a dream or when circumstances bring them up, but many years on I'm no longer stricken by the grief associated with those memories and I can give a mental shrug and turn my thoughts to something else.
What got me "out of it" was a friend who spent a lot of time at my house when we were in highschool. One Summer living with us. She reminded me that my Mom was so much more than those last 6 years. They were just a drop in the bucket out of 89 years of life. She had 83 where she married and raised 4 children and my Dad. Friends were welcomed and treated like her own. My GF was not the only one who Mom allowed to live at her home. She smiled a lot. She was well liked.
So think of the "old days". Get those pictures out.
Last week, for the anniversary of her death - I bought some cute picture frames and took some old family photos out of our old photo album ~ and set up a display in the living room.
It's remarkable how happy these photos make me. And I am even enjoying walking in there now, to look at them while remembering better times. With not just my Mom, but other family members who have passed, too. I have a happy spot in a sad room now.
Just like all those issues, you need to take charge of it – to stop dwelling on the problems, and switch your mind to future and better things. Sleeping tablets are helping me around 2am. Forcing self control in the day (even going to the supermarket) helps when I’m awake.
You don’t want to forget your Dad, and he wouldn’t want you to, but he also wouldn’t want his memory to make you unhappy. See if you (and perhaps your love for him) can help you to get this under control. Love, Margaret
For me, I had just accepted a promotion at work & was learning a bunch of new, stuff. Stressful in & of itself. Six mos later, I'm caring for my mom & bro simultaneously. Bro had cancer; then hospice, then passed. Mom w/ dementia; I couldn't tell her her beloved son was gone as I knew it would have finished her off w/ a broken heart. I was both of their POA. I used her dementia & my bro's love of travel to my advantage & said he was on a trip around the world. Sent text msgs "from my bro" to mom w/ pics from his past travels so we could say he reached out to her from his trip (she assumed it was current).
Bottom line: it was the most stressful time of intense juggling I've ever experienced. If I didn't have faith in God, I don't know where I'd be.
After mom passed (now I was both their executors & still doing that stressful job), it took me about 18 mos before I could even start to THINK of this intense period w/out tearing up. It was that stressful; the slightist remembrance of it brought the stress & tears back.
What helped me: I did (and still do) "talk" to them & express gratitude to them. Whatever you need to talk to them about, do it! Try it: say, "I'm so sorry you had a tough time, Dad, but I so appreciate everything you've dome for our family."
My bro was an amazing handyman. When I'm attempting to do something, I will seek his heavenly guidance. I see all the things he did around this house every day & I thank him for that, as well as how he helped so many others. When I'm doing one of Mom's recipes, I think of all the good times making that cake...ask for her heavenly advice on if I did this part right, etc.
Every time you have a sad thought, counter-balance that w/ 2 thoughts of gratitude: it could be talking out loud (when you're alone! :))& thanking your dad for doing all he could to take care of your mom. Little things - you see a little kid riding a bike, think w/ gratitude on how your dad taught you to do that.
You saw some unpleasant things which you can't unsee, but you CAN try to counter those images w/ thinking of all the good things. Remembering funny moments, etc.
Your dad was way more than just those last years or months. Focus on remembering all the wonderful qualities he possessed over his lifetime & how he passed so much of that down to you.
I know that's how I'd prefer to be remembered.
One last thing: I bet your dad wouldn't want you to be saddened about those last couple years. He is in no pain now & no remembrance of it. He only feels love to you & would want for you to focus on the happier times.
Good luck on your journey!
Next month will be 5 yrs since she passed. My sisters & I were talking earlier this year & realized for awhile now that we weren’t thinking of those things anymore when we thought of her. We were remembering the good things about her & fun memories. It felt really good to realize this. We don’t know for sure when things changed, but we’re very happy they did. Hopefully yours doesn’t last so long. I think ours was prolonged because of taking care of dad & having some stressful situations with that until placing him in MC.
You will be able to put your current memories, worries to the back of your mind. Good memories will replace them. You’ll be able to think of your dad as a carer in a positive way. How loving he was to want to take care of your mom, etc.
Hugs to you!! It will get better.😊
See All Answers