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gdaughter,I understand completely about the constant clean up game. Although I am a paid caregiver and don't have the extra pressure of being related to the clients, it's still so stressful. One woman is just plain unsanitary in every way. She constantly leaves used tissues everywhere, wants to wear her clothing way past the expiration date but says that washing them too often wears them out. She's 90, wear out the clothes! She enjoys helping to prepare meals, but the constant touching of the food with dirty hands is just gross. She drinks from a glass, rinses it in cold water and puts it away, leaving me to be sneaky and properly wash anything I believe she used that day. I feel like a staph infection can't be far off in either her or my future. Of course there is also the misplacing/hiding of bills, money, and documents...that's always fun. I don't know how any of you who live with your loved one do it. I get to go home after a difficult day.
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The backhanded compliment like "Oh you're such a good daughter...your mother is so lucky to have you..." and then this same person will immediately follow-up by saying she/he will never want to be a burden on their own children because they're planning to go into a nursing home
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Another thing that bothers me is my daughter . She says you are her daughter. She needs more stimulation. More activities. Ok kid. , you try. My mother doesn't want to do anything. Sorry , sweet child of mine , if that's hard on me too.
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Living for two people is a lot of work. We can end up living mainly for them and give ourselves the short end of the stick.
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Being responsible for everything. Taking care of Mom is a big task, but I also have to make every decision and handle everything else. I am the only one to do it. Everyone left Mom's life because she treated them badly; friends, neighbors, relatives. Her daughter(my stepsister) stopped talking to Mom in 1982. Everything has fallen to me for 20+ years. I finally got Mom's hair fixed. It was matted and tangled from her not wanting to comb or brush, only sleep. I hired a woman to come to the house and style her hair. She kept wanting me to do it. I can't do everything. I hired a guy to do the yard work. I don't have time to do it myself any more. Mom's car has been sitting in the driveway for over 3 years deteriorating. I am planning on having it hauled away. Living my own life would be simple. Everything I am doing now is not for me.
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Hi gdaughter. I really believed I was one of the only people on the planet that had to sort through the garbage and recyle cans. When new neighbors moved in, I think they thought I was nuts. How many people do you know goes through their garbage. It was kind of funny , a little bit. Same thing in re: to leaving food outv, wrapping it in bags , having no clue on how to turn tv on or off. It's really hard. My parent lives with me , and you are right, we don't get many breaks.
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My mom is quite functional in spite of dementia/short term memory loss. I am beginning to feel a little of the Cinderella syndrome...constantly cleaning up behind her/fixing things or tolerating things. Especially in the kitchen. Having to keep watch on fridge dials because she plays with them...even though knobs are off, she twists the stems. Puts bowls of food in dirty produce bags to cover them. Can't close lids; can't remember to put things away; throws things out that are not hers, puts trash in recycle bin that has to be picked through; and the DETAILS. I feel like I am thinking for 3 and managing 3 lives. Then I have to communicate. Dad is deaf. Have to translate the issue in the most simple terms to her. I am exhausted...and since I am (gratefully) living with them, I can't get even one day to just sleep in. There is no "one thing" ...it is everything. I wish there was an answer.
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And another thing.. My own "kids" & grandkids keep on living their lives..quite often without me...birthdays, holidays..sometimes I can be there, sometimes not. I wonder if they miss me when they are having a party & I am tied up with mom...
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Dana, I agree. It is hard to picture because I feel so old already. And my mother's in better health than me!! How can we ever make up for these years that our own life is put on the back burner? It simmers away while we focus on the "front burner"! I get so down &/or angry about that!
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That bothers me too. After the constant stress of caregiving, and then the grieving, I don't think there will be enough of me left to have a life. I'll exist and that's about it.
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Johnk6749, I think we will all have " normal" lives again. I think we are living now in not normal situations. I think we have to hope for normal lives again,in some attempt to keep doing what we do. Hope this helps
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Feeling trapped for now, not knowing how I ended up being here, and not knowing if or when I will be able to live a normal life on my own terms.
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Loss of my own hopes, dreams and freedom. Feeling trapped.
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Thank you guys for the advice and support. I'm trying the binder idea, and hope it catches on. My mil keeps trying to tell one person something but playing "telephone" a lot of it gets lots.

I try to encourage gma to move and help, and she loves folding laundry and making her own snacks and food. The issues arise when she has an accident (either bathroom or dropping food) and tries to clean up messes off the ground. Usually it becomes a smearing mess by the time she gives up. I think it helps her "give in" a little faster with me because she knows I work in a hospital where I clean up "bathroom" messes all the time. "I guess you just have the constitution for this sort of thing." Lol, yep. That works for me.
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No help from anyone!!! The loss of freedom. I'm disabled myself,but I never even get a sandwich fixed for me.Oh,the never ending fatigue &cleaning up poop & pee in the bathroom constantly! !! I never get a break! I love my big baby though...
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That is exactly what I'm living. I have similar feelings about my mom and then I feel guilty for having them.
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Sorry for all you caregivers, me being one of them, who most of the time are facing constant doom & gloom. We start on this journey because we have an abundance of love & caring. We can't change, even if we hear no most of the time or profanities, face agitation & assertion head on. If we've been caregivers for awhile we know where the fault lies & that it's a battle we're not going to win. I always wanted to have a "normal" loving relationship with my brother, was always hoping & trying for one. Forgiving & forgetting his past old ways was my goal. Now I know a personality is really us, our forever being, an old memory, it's not going anywhere. I didn't heed or maybe believe when professionals said, "The behavior will get worse." My brother still knows me at times, other times I am someone other than me. So there are moments when I wonder, when he is angry, who is he angry at? He does pick & choose who he is nice to & what behavior to demonstrate, why & how is that? I think I may be putting way too much thought into this & try to not dwell on the complexity of it all, but it's not easy. The mental & physical toll creeps up on you & it's hard to undo it. I have been unsuccessful in finding a.m. care, but got a break. She's only available 2 days a week, but she's excellent, so I'm latching on, out for 2 a.m. mornings & I'm ok with it. Don't forget about taking care of you, appreciating yourself. Blessings 🌸
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Yes Jessie Belle. Be thankful for small favors. Lol
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The repeat stories are rough. I usually know when one is about to start and what it will be word for word. She does remember the stories very well. That shows her brain is still working in those areas. I'm glad she doesn't tell me to think about it. I try not to. :)
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JessieBelle. My mother is exactly the same. It's tiring. Annoying. She was not like this before dementia diagnosis. Another thing she says almost daily is "Think about it". It's usually concerning the same story I've heard at least 600 times . Very annoying.
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Something else I don't like about caregiving for my mother is I feel like it's a Point-Counter Point episode anytime we talk. Almost everything I say, she'll take the opposite stance. It is a reflex with her, but it certainly gets tiring. I don't know how she got so contrary. It's rarely anything serious, but it is constant. I can say we don't need bread; she'll say we'll need it later. I'll say I'll do laundry Monday; she'll say I should to it today. I'll say her friend is very ill; she'll say she knew someone who lived fine with the same problem. I'll say her friend died yesterday; she'll say it was the day before. None of this is serious, but it is constant, like one-way verbal sparring. It makes me want to find a cliff to jump off of. I end up avoiding her because it is so tiring to try to talk.
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The thing that bothers me the most is not even something that anyone else can fix. I have been a paid caregiver for many years and I realize that if you are in this job for money and recognition, you are barking up the wrong tree. I miss the way my previous client and her family would make you feel appreciated. My current client is.... well.... just not a nice person. Nothing is ever good enough and I'm sorry to say that it's not just the dementia. I have known her for years and she has always been difficult. If you are in this job for constant praise, you'll be sadly disappointed. I have learned to pat myself on the back when I deserve it.
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It's like taking on different personalities for me. For 2 wks this May I pretty much spent the whole time "playing" in my garden. I was one relaxed, happy, sun soaked, dirty lady! Did call mom alot at AL, she's a joy to my heart...dad's there too (divorced) but let the girls at AL worry about him, he's toxic to me mentally and physically!!
Felt  like the old me those two weeks....
Yesterday, gorgeous out....but "he" was nagging at my brain ALL day....I was a total miserable B***H!!!

As of now, I don't wish either of them to die, especially my mom, but I do have to admit I long to be normal again. Our daughter is having our first grandbaby in December and that's all I want to think about !! 😍
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There is more than one thing about care giving that bothers me. I think the worst thing is knowing that mom cannot seem to have empathy for me or for what caring for her requires of me and her granddaughter.
I also often realize that the chance at the relationship I often dreamed of having with her is slipping away, and that it will now never happen.
Then, I realize that my own dreams and aspirations are fading as well, as I put my mothers needs before my own although she never did the same for me. She was mostly oblivious to my life, my needs, etc., and she stayed with a monster that regularly abused all of us and that was clinically insane. He would laugh loudly on a whim, with others in the room or not, and he would often be sadistic during these episodes. Sadly, he never got help and died at 37 years old. She then had a breakdown and was admitted to the mental hospital. My sister and I had already moved out of state to live with our grandparents. Mom, at first, was catatonic, and then gradually came back somewhat, to where she has been for fifty or so years. She has no memory of most of that time, but I do. She will often talk about him and how he cared for us. It is so tough for me to then be silent, so in a nice way, I remind her that he was not caring at all.
Now, I think I mostly just miss having my life back, and doing what I want to do.
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What bothers me so much is that my mother is oblivious. I know it's her disease. If this was cancer , something like that or worse, I would have some time frame. From what I've read. Dementia can last a decade or more. It's just so hard watching some ones mind disappear and then a day later, they seem fine. Also the complete dependence on me for everything. Zero family help.
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Char12, it sounds like things are really rough for you! I myself have a huge family but the caring of mom fell upon me. One thing I have learned and STILL have to be reminded of is to ASK for help.
I think you will find that some WILL help if asked directly, & some will whine or make excuses,... but keep working down the list!! and you MIGHT come to somebody who will pitch in. Try approaching it in a different way sometimes. Make it about what is best for mom, not you...they might accept that better..?
May I ask, what birth order are you? Youngest, oldest, middle, only daughter?
 Is Mom under a Dr.'s care? What diagnoses?
 If family is of no help, have you tried friends, neighbors? I hope you can figure out a way to get a break. We all need them!
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Having all my siblings have rich so called companys and giant houses. Flaunt thier money around. But dont at all help others. My mother was a single parent and gave everything to her kids..even if they at the time wanted clothing of brands that she couldnt afford etc. I do find it amazing why Im the only one..from 6 kids that care.

Not having someone to give you a break..to take a basic full shower to even walk down 5 streets to go to the laundry mat. Can some one watch mom? Grocery stores dont like me to bring her in..because of her fits..talking out loud etc.
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Tangent, cr0105 is so right on! Couldn't agree more with letting your Grandma do what she can for as long as she can. Experienced & knowledgeable help should be encouraging her & praising her for tasks well done. They should know when to intervene & how to, so to avoid any agitation or frustration for her. Some aides will take it upon themselves to do everything, it may be easier & does save time, but if your loved one is still wanting to hold on to control & independence the aide may run into difficulties. My brother could get into a tizzy if an aide kindly said, "I'm here to help you," him wanting that control. It would be downhill from there. The time will come when more things will have to be done for your grandma, that stubborn streak may dimmer, compliancy might take over, sad to see. We all like things to stay the same, but, a "new normal" seems to appear with caregiving. Keep things easy for you, continue to love & care. Blessings 🌸
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Tangent, please remind yourself that you can only do what you can do. Grandmas "stubbornness" can be one of her best traits! If you read the posts here, you'll quickly see that many of us complain that our elders give up too easily & want someone else to do everything for them ALL THE TIME. Allow Grandma to do what she can because most likely the day will come when you'll wish she would. If she falls or gets injured somehow, you can rest assured you did your best for her. I know that's a hard thing to comprehend right now but it will solidify in your mind later on. Also, in my own situation, we found keeping a notebook in a specific spot in the house helpful. When anyone came by, they'd note what they did (even if just sat & talked to her), how they found her condition to be (mental too), the home, etc.
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I'm fairly new to this, but my current frustrations stem from communication. Because we both work full-time currently, there are many people in and out of the house helping grandma get adjusted, and I'd like to know how to help. Grandma is stubborn and attempts everything herself, often making situations worse. I'm having trouble balancing my personal want for efficiency and her needs for independance.
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