I guess I'll go first with this one.
The thing that stands out the most for me about MIL with alzheimers.......
Everything is ALL ABOUT HER. I could cut my arm off and be bleeding on the floor right beside her and she would worry about who was going to bring her a cookie.
I am treated as" a nothing" in her world.
Then I feel guilty for thinking she's an old battleaxe.
Well that's my confession.
How about yours?
And I’m horrified because I am looking at how it will be for me in 27 short years and I don’t want it. I decided to start smoking again and up my drinking and hope for a massive heart attack.
Don't do that. HUG. That kind of planning ("I decided to start smoking again and up my drinking") might end up with a completely different, unintended, much worse consequence.
I should note that Mom lifted not one finger for her own parents (since she was in another state busy with her career), and when my dad got sick from a terminal illness she left him and shunted his care off on me. I had to leave my own career and move back to our family's hometown to take care of him, luckily it all worked out b/c I met a guy here and got married, but I really would have chosen differently had I known how all of this would play out.
Mom is medically fragile with a couple of lung conditions and recently lied to me about going out to a gathering of people while unmasked, before she knew I could see her on Zoom, long story. Honestly I was so upset since I'm high risk covid myself that I told her I would need a little break from her and honestly it has been wonderful. I'm sure she's sitting over there stewing that I'm not waiting on her and jumping to her every beck and call, but y'all - I just can't. I don't think I had realized how depressed I've been dealing with both her and her sister to whom she's inordinately close, the same sister SCREAMED at me a couple of days ago for saying I was upset over Mom being reckless with her health and mine. How selfish I am, it's not all about me and on and on. I mean, what the heck? I know this sister doesn't think I'm doing enough for Mom, but she also didn't live through being ignored and bullied.
I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Mom won't call my half brother she wouldn't protect me from because she "doesn't like him" - well, what would she do if I died, or more likely moved as far away from here as I can get? She'd make do and frankly I think I'm going to stay away a while longer and make her find some other resources. I just can't carry this load any longer by myself, thank heaven for my cousin who takes care of my aunt or truly I would be in the loony bin. Thanks so much for this place and a space to vent y'all. I'm going to need it I have the feeling.
Regarding her arguing with you, she likes it. It gives her an adrenaline rush. Makes her feel alive to argue! To try to make you miserable, stressed.
I am not sure what the 'cure' is besides putting in your own stops & arranging the extra help you need. Easy to say. Sometimes very hard to do. Strength to you today 🤗
Can you get your parents placed in a facility ? Is that an option. Do they have money ? Or Medicaid ?
and i love your screen name. i bet you're a cute, sweet person.
when i have so-called friends asking how my LOs are, i actually block their numbers. they're wasting my time AND adding yet 1 more thing for me to do: write back, etc.
my true friends really care. and my LOs' true friends really care, too.
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i wish all of us on the forum a good day! courage & always do very nice things for yourself. treat yourself like the angel you are. ❤️🙂
I love how sensible you are! All of us need to value ourselves. We cannot allow others to steal our joy. I spent a lot of time and money in therapy learning these lessons. I feel that it was money well spent.
What frustrates me the most about caregiving is the fact that in order to get services I have to be the one to stay on it...to keep calling these agencies for a PT, or home assistance, and this is even after a doctor has given me an order of approval. This last time the physical therapy never started because it took so long for them to get evaluators (nurse and supervisor PT) out and this was after I called them twice. Now the session will end in a week and my mother has not even begun the PT. This has happened before. My other "pet peeve" is people who know my mother from way back (she's 92) and ask me about her; sometimes they text me and ask. I say it would be better to call her and chat a bit, so she can hear a voice; so she can be part of a conversation where maybe she can laugh and remember. And to my friends, do not ask me how my mother is doing unless you are ready to invite me for coffee and offer a real, compassionate ear. Because you will get an answer of "okay" and I will turn away. The nicety is not needed because you really don't want to hear the answer. Instead, if you want to support a caregiver friend, ask them out; give them an escape; give them little of your time, because they feel isolated, just as much as the loved one being taken care of. This may be mean, but I want to say "Don't ask about my mom, unless you really want to hear about her."
Mom still likes her calls but people still ask me instead of spending literally 5 minutes once in a blue moon to call her themselves. I think they don’t really want to know the truth….they probably want a happy lie from me. We’ll they’re not gonna get it! I tell the truth albeit ( grudgingly lol ) politely
hug!!
bundle of joy
(whose real name means peace)
But that's all right. I'm strong.
I’m sorry Hothouseflower.
Since we're doing everything, why bother to offer to help out the caregiver?
50+ years of dementia research-not a thing to show for it. Nothing.
Palliative medications to manage the symptoms. Nothing else.
This bothers me the most.
FIL is in …. in house hospital rehab, wants to sign himself out AMA. His ALF says he has to walk with his walker 150 feet first to return. ( I think they are trying to get rid of him because he is so uncooperative with showers and incontinence care ).
I fielded the call last Friday and told the case manager that FIL can’t sign out AMA, he has dementia and his son (DH) has DMPOA. Not to mention if he leaves rehab he will be homeless if ALF won’t take him . Case manager said well if he refuses treatment and wants to leave…..
it will be on us to find him a place to go ,
Went up to the hospital and spoke with FIL . He said he will stay but he wants to be taken out to dinner after rehab is all done . We have not taken him out in months , his walking is so bad and I’m not hurting my back pulling him out of the car . We bring him food .
I doubt he will finish the 7-10 days . He will get them to discharge him early and I don’t blame them . Hopefully ALF will take him , because he can’t get up the stairs in my house and he can’t manage in my bathrooms . So far he’s having difficulty walking far , so in addition to walking they are working on self propelling in wheelchair . FIL is going to flip when he gets back to ALF , we put a wheelchair in his room today .
Tell him he'll be burning up the hallway carpets in no time!
He can use the new wheels or stay room-bound. His choice.
(I'd choose wheels & freedom).
Today, davidmiller2.