What is the one thing that bothers you the most about caregiving?

I get this JessieBelle. I got observed and criticized for one of those moments that had just 'gotten to me'. It's hard to be level and kind at every moment. That's what many on the outside of these situations don't understand.

One day not too long ago, I "snapped" ...not even AT Mama, just one of the cats did something that sent me over the edge and I let out an ugly word. My cousin aka sitter aka someone who sits but does nothing BUT sit, got all over me and just blessed me out for losing my temper. Then I really lost it and told her she didn't have a d*mn clue how I was feeling... (How could she...even when she is here, I have to wait on her and Mama both) I told her by all means come and do it for a few days and then get back to me on how short your nerves are....I like the term "outsiders"...that 's exactly what they are....and they will never "get it"

A similar thing happened to me hope22 about a year ago. I snapped at someone close to me and it ended we didn't speak for a year. I finally apologized to have peace (even though I didn't really think I was the one who should have).

Ive become a total complainer and email ranter. My siblings have never known me to complain to them about anything. But in the past year that is all I do..complain.Im normally happy go lucky with family. Ive always vented to my friends. However now I cannot identify with my friends because they all have a life. Their parents are in their 60s, so they figure its like dealing with their own parents. They dont understand the anger I feel when I wake to hear the TV blasting from upstairs....or when Im trying to rush one of the kids into the bathroom to get ready and Dad decides to go into the bathroom or he gets upset if one of the kids is waiting for him to come out. They dont understand how much I hate hearing his footsteps coming down the stairs....because I know hes either snooping around or wanting me to serve him something. I hate for the phone to ring because he thinks every caller is out to get him, but he readily gives out his debit card info.

I miss being able to visit for a couple of hours then leave. Im ashamed to admit that I dont get to enjoy the fact that he cannot drive far on his own, and would not have been able to bother me if I were still in my own place.

I know I complain more than I ever have in my life. And at least you apologize daughter52....I don't...it is almost like I dare people to think I should....especially when they come here and expect me to wait on them on top of everything else i have going on....I used to NEVER use ugly words...now they flow freely like a lilting rain on a spring afternoon...and it feels GOOD...kind of like letting the steam valve off on a pressure cooker....

One of my "friends" told me not too long ago (via message on FB, as they don't ever come to visit) but they told me that "I had changed".....heck yes I have changed...and probably will never be the same again...and I have to say I don't dislike the change because I have been too dang nice my entire life and I finally found my voice.....

To all....I feel ALL your pain, anger and frustrations. I really HATE being my Mother's caregiver. It's like having a 205#, two year old. I can't vent to my daughter because she says it was my choice to take Mom out of the nursing home. Sometimes I am really nasty to Mom, but she is just as bad. She has ALWAYS been a miserable, mean spirited, nasty, abusive person towards me. I really HATED her for years and years, but for some strange reason, GOD told me I had to take care of her (not fair). I live in NC and have a friend in GA who sympathizes because she went through it with her dad. We have to get angry sometimes, we are entitled and we have to let it out. The stress will kill us. Much love to you all and may God bless and keep us all well and sane.

I am sitting here as we speak just completely exhausted. I have so much I could be doing, of course it is the same old same old, but I am so tired all I feel like doing is getting my blanket and taking a nap. And it is exhaustion to the point of feeling abnormal This is so not me to be this way. I always kept an immaculate home, nicely decorated, always a fun project going on, all I am now is tired and catatonic....we have a huge yard here and so that in and of itself it an enormous amount of work. I can look at poison ivy and catch it and have already had it once this year. I get eaten alive by all the no seeums out this time of year...but still I need to get out there and get to it...but I think I heard thunder and praying for an excuse to not have to do it...but Lord knows plenty to do indoors...too tired to do that either...I feel like I need someone to help me lift my limbs I am so tired...and now is time for changing and bathing Mom again....I feel so abnormal

Hope, what you are describing is not "tired", it's Fatigue. It comes from a variety of reasons, both physically (thyroid issues,etc) and mentally (depression and stress).
I understand when you say you feel "abnormal". I describe it as my arms and legs are made of cement. It's too hard to even hold your arms up to wash your hair. It comes and goes with me. Mine is a combination of a thyroid problem and depression. It might me easily fixed with a pill.Try to get yourself to a Dr. to find the reason and TREAT it. Good luck!

Thanks Boni...I have got to do that and SOON...exactly as you said...my legs and arms feel like cement. too tired to lift my arms to wash or even comb my hair...I feel like if I had a little chair on wheels I could just roll around forever in it....I have never gotten on a scooter in my life at the big box stores and yet I see those suckers parked there and actually think how might it feel to just hop on and go....I have been diagnosed with severe depression, but back after I lost my health insurance and my meds finally ran out, I never was able to get them refilled...the only combo that ever helped me...I have got to make some changes or can see me falling into that 30%...ridiculous part is I had vowed I was going to start taking care of myself not two weeks ago....now feel myself just sinking....and seemingly unable to get out of the mire...must get meds...thanks

Lost years; everything else is a distant second.

There is so much to learn about dementia. In Alzheimer's Disease, as the disease progresses the demented don't know anyone in the family, lose impulse control--a brain that is out of whack. Please get in a support group.

I am the 79 year old caregiver and I need my family to get better informed so they can better know how to help me.

Billyboy79 this is a forum for caregivers to vent/ask questions etc.

Marialake is well aware of the Alzheimer's Association and support groups. As are the rest of us. I don't know about you but I need to find humor in all this dementia sadness, it's helps me get thru the 24/7.

This question was just posted as a way for us to give off steam!

Agree, AandA. It is an intelligent question to ask, inviting people to share and therefore halve their troubles. And the only incorrect, because almost certainly untruthful, answer would be "nothing bothers me about caregiving. It is a breeze, a joy and a privilege."

My trouble was I didn't know which bugbear to pick! But I think I've boiled it down: the one thing that bothers me most about caregiving is the constant feeling that I'm really not very good at it. My poor mother :(

Yes! Countrymouse. Amongst the myriad of things that most of us deal with, one that stands out is guilt (i.e. I am not really very good at this). Many of us were unexpectedly thrown into this responsibility and it has become ours whether we like it or not---or whether we are good at it or not. It is extremely challenging on many levels and I have to re-adjust every day.

This is not a feed back for anyone, just my own opinion. I also have a mom in assisted living. Ran into a woman I've known and were talking about our parents, and she mentioned that the elderly feel so entitled and I kinda came back with " and all of us don't?" I strongly feel that they do in a bigger way than what we all feel, of course it's hard (danm hard to be the caregiver) but also remember that my mom taught me everything I know, sacrificed a h*ll of a lot for all us kids so we could have better lives and was always there no matter what the hell I did( which was alot and never gave up on any of us. The system has failed all of our seniors, but I will always try to be there for my mom to the best of my ability, you see because she was always there for me...and for that she is entitled

When the patient becomes abusive, extremely difficult, etc., then START THINKING ABOUT Y O U. What once was good apparently no longer is. Don't be a fool and stand by and take it. Walk away. It hurts like hell - for the moment - but in the end, you will know you made the right choice. I once had to walk away and it nearly killed me but it saved my life. Don't be a fool - do what is right.

Free time, intelligent conversations and events, sleep and rest and becoming something I was never and never wanted to be - someone who must fight to stop the difficult relationship, the complaining, the helplessness, the memory loss, etc. What I will NOT tolerate from anyone under any circumstances is someone who is difficult, sarcastic, stupid, mean - they are dead in my book once they do that. I will help anyone at any time to the best of my ability - always have - but I will not tolerate disrespect and nastiness from anyone, ever!

My main objection is that a caregiver can give and give. It can be tiring. Then when you try to not give, people act like you have an attitude. In fact, we can even feel like we have an attitude if we don't do everything on command with a big smile. People don't seem to know or care that our well runs empty. At least it is that way in my family.

For me it was the exhaustion and unbelievable stress.

And after a couple of years I noticed I was having more health issues than that of my very aging parents.   This can't be right.   But the stress was affecting my immune system so I was going down hill fast.   I honestly thought my parents would outlive me.

I'm really very curious. This question was asked 3 years ago. Nearly 200 answers were posted to it. Why are we recycling it again? I'm not criticizing any one, but I've seen a LOT of very old threads start up again. Does anyone know why?

If I answered 3 years ago, and my answer is the same, should I repeat it? Or do people really go back and read hundreds of answers?

to answer jeannegibbs - When I see an old thread recycled like this I go back and read from where it was picked up again after a long lull. It usually means some new poster related to it and wants to start a discussion about their own situation. Generally I post advising them to start a new thread because most people aren't following threads that are years old, and people who have posted probably won't post again. But lots of times other people will pick it up anyway and it will become a hot topic all over again. Not everyone was here three years ago, after all.

I'm tired of siblings doing nothing to help but always have a negative input. Nobody visits or calls. I feel like I have no life and the guilt is overwhelming if I'm not there for her. I'm alone meeting her needs and she doesn't give my life a second thought. I love her dearly and know my time is limited, so I focus on that to get me through. It's exhausting sometimes..

I look for new postings and new questions, but I agree with Jeanne - the threads to the right on the screen are often not new - sometimes 7 years old but we don't know that until we get into it.
It would be nice if there was a section for new threads so the old ones don't keep re-cycling every time someone responds to it.

A lot of forums I have visited archive old threads, you can read but they are closed to new comments.

The verbal abuse

No timeline. More specifically, a march to the grave with no timeline. Alongside someone who (for many of us) is no longer relatable. Totally, utterly depleting.

Oh, and "the end" is actually the beginning of a new emotional strain. With no timeline.

I'm with freqflyer. Sudden changes and no idea how to do it. After a fall and no ability to get up, my aunt spent 2 days in hospital, then sent home after 1 time getting herself out of bed and to bathroom, and having help with a walker. We luckily had a walker, but no bed rails so she can't get herself up. It takes time to figure it all out, and don't know if it's permanent or she'll improve. It's my first time putting a diaper on an unhappy adult. Home care was promised, and one nurse visit said PT was coming. Too bad they don't have enough help. I've called around and got one of her paid companions who's had some training come Mon. to teach me how to help without hurting my back any more than I already have.
Thanks. Just venting. Aunt Rose is appreciative and thanks me.

Sadly My Caregiving Journey is over since Mom went Heaven on the longest day of 2016. Rest in peace.
Mother had been diagnosed with alzheimer's, and passed away at 87 years, 2 years---6 months after being diagnosed.
Caregiving is dreadful difficult but We only do it out of pure love and respect, and gratitude for all Mother had done for me throughout my entire Life.
The one thing that used to really p..s me of was the invasion of Family on lookers Who came every Sunday to sit and play with Their new I-phones, chatter among each other while completely ignoring Mother which I thought was terrible disresptful, ( I RE NAMED SUNDAYS INSPECTION DAY ). then I would set the table and pour the tea for all. Mother and I felt a great relief when They had left to return home. Seeing My Family leave with a broad smile of satisfaction stuck to their faces as They felt They had Their duty. God love them. I never expressed to them how I felt, and I was by Moms side 24/7 for the entire time, simply because I adored Mom. We were best Friends, and though I cried my heart out for months when Mother slipped away suddenly but so peacefully without pain, I can feel the greatest peace.