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Help!My father passed away last May and my mother moved in with my husband and me in August of that same year. My father had asked us to "take care of mom" if something happened to him first.She's a sweet soul and does go to the local senior center 2 days a week but on the other five days, she's either cleaning, doing laundry, or sitting in a chair. She has no hobbies and almost all of her friends are deceased. She does talk to some of her life-long friends but that's it.My mother was never really "independent" but very dependent on my father. She does a really great job telling my husband and I how to live our lives, what we should do, or not do. "You don't have shoes on, you can't go outside like that!" "It's too hot, you can't cut the grass!" "Give me your cup, I'll wash it out for you." "Will the dog be here by herself if we're gone a couple of hours?" "Don't forget, you have to make cookies for your friend."I burned all my PTO/FMLA time to take her to doctor appointments (she doesn't drive anymore) and my husband took some time off too. My brother does nothing to help.I have been in counseling since April and on meds but my husband and I can't live like this forever.We have been discussing senior independent living for her, and with her, but her biggest hang-ups will be how far it is from us and how much the cost will be.ALL advice is welcome!

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I am so sorry your lost your Father.

I lost mine last year too - causing a profound restructure of my family.

My Mother also moved. But into a nice assisted living. She plays games & goes on the occasional bus trip. It's far from perfect.. costs all her pension & more.. She is making the best of this new unexpected stage of her life: Being a Widow.

Got used to retirement but she was not a craft or hobby person. Was best having family to bring up, grandkids to fuss over. Liked having a housewife job.

My Mother could sound bossy (the Manager, ha ha). But it was all worries when you listened. Quite a high anxiety level was her norm unless busy.

Is your Mother like that?
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Reply to Beatty
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I suppose the first question is
Can mom afford to move to a Continuing Care Community? One that has both IL and AL. (If the IL does not offer AL she would have to either move again or pay to have caregivers come in and help)
Sit down and tell mom that when dad asked you to "take care of mom" that means that you will see that she is getting what she needs, it does not mean she has to live with you.
Begin touring a few IL communities and pick 2 or 3 for her to tour later with you.
You could even find out if they would allow her a week "Respite" to try out the community to see how she likes it.
If mom has been paying her share of ALL expenses (and I doubt she has) and paying you for "caregiving" that is the time you and your husband spend taking her to appointments (figure about $20.00 to 30.00 and hour for those) I am sure the cost of AL would be doable.
By the way mom should be paying her share of all expenses. If there are 3 of you in the house she pays 1/3 of mortgage, insurance, gas, electric, food...(you should give her a break for the housework she does though)
And if mom and dad were in a house and that was sold, that would go to AL expenses.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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IL could be great for her. Lots of social interaction and opportunities, it’s a bit like high school honestly. She can keep to herself or get the chance to make new friends. Worked great for my mom after she lived with us in a similar situation, except she didn’t help with anything and expected to be waited on and would pounce on me when I came home tired from work because she was bored watching tv all day. She thrived in IL for two good years.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Time for an honest conversation with mom, followed by touring options for senior living. Reassure mom of your love and care, but remain firm that living together isn’t a good idea for anyone, mom included. A friend recently told me about moving her parent into senior living, she said after visiting regularly she’s convinced she’d move there herself if she could. There are great meals, rides to anywhere needed, endless activities, and friends all around.
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Mom gets kudos for going to Senior Center twice weekly, and helping around the house! So many Elders sit all day and expect to be waited on hand and foot. She sounds basically bored and lonely, despite working your nerves daily! What else does she have to talk about other than your home routines?

If Mom balks about moving to an AL/Senior Facility, be sure to emphasize that AL is not a prison cell or asylum, but means no more cooking, house cleaning, or driving, and will remove those burdens....as well as be around others her age group, with scheduled activities she can participate in...or not. She will get rides to appts, can go to the Senior Center more days, and basically get out and be more independent and not so lonely.

You want to be firm when you present this to her, not wishy-washy. The longer she stays in your home, the harder to get her out. You at least took her in after loosing her Husband, so she could have the chance to grieve. "Taking care of her" (to adjust to a place she will eventually be better off in) is honoring Dad's request...so this is exactly what your plan is. It was NOT "Move Mom in and let her live with you and Husband, to take care of her forever" at all. You made vows to your Husband, not your Mom.

Did they have a home that got sold? That money would be good right now. Plus Dad's social security. Don't spend your own money on her new place, you have your own future to plan for.

She simply has to get used to living alone, like all of us Widows out there. Nobody lives forever. We had Husbands who did everything for us, who are now gone. This is life, and takes some adjustment. She's had a year or so of your full support, time for the next step.

Good luck and stay strong!
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Reply to Dawn88
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Can mom do arts and crafts? Folding towels, wash cloths and clothes? something along those lines?
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Reply to cover9339
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lealonnie1 Jul 2, 2025
Folding wash cloths and towels? I see you've missed the point entirely once again cover.
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You will have to be honest. You are going to need first to discuss fully with husband and come to a conclusion. Then the TWO OF YOU will sit down with your mother and you will tell her that you do not want to live with her in the household any more. That it is disruptive to your lifestyle and how you choose to live. That she will need now to move to ALF and you two will help her to choose one. That this is not up for argument or optional. That you will do your best to find a good fit for her and for her assets, but that no solutions in aging care are truly ever really a perfect fit.

The do it. If you require someone to assist you with this conversation your therapist should be able to guide you in that.

This isn't pretty and it won't be happy and all nice-nice. This is the best you can do. This is your life. Throwing it onto the burning funeral pyre of a parent will earn you no thanks from anyone. I am so sorry. Sounds brutal, but the truth often is.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Evamar Jul 2, 2025
Yes to all Alva said.
Brutal truth. Better than ruining your live.
If you are new on this forum read some posts of adult children/ parents living together. It is rarely pretty picture of family bliss.
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When your father asked you to "take care" of your mother, that didn't mean that you had to have her move in with you and your husband you know, but I guess that is how you interpreted it huh? And now you're regretting it and understandably so.
It's past time that your mother grows up and once and for all becomes the independent woman that she should have been long ago. She can do it, but she may need a BIG push to do so.
So start taking her to different senior living facilities so she can figure out which one she wants to move to, and give her a time limit as to when she needs to be out by. And don't drag things out, but keep things on track.
Your mother will thank you when it's all said and done as she will enjoy being around other folks her own age and being able to do things with these folks as well.
Time for your mother to spread her wings and fly. Long past time actually.
That my dear is how you "take care" of your mother.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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cover9339 Jul 2, 2025
Independent woman move into an AL?
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