One of my helpers has begun to be more critical of me to the point I have had to close my mouth more about most everything. Now what?

There is a way to instruct someone how to do things without looking as critical. I've done things the wrong way. The visiting caregiver have would very nicely tell me that the way I'm doing it would hurt my back. Then they proceeded to tell how me how it's done. I usually ask them to show me. To me, I don't take offense because they don't say it in a way that makes me feel stupid. And don't nitpick on me all the time. But I think this is because when they came to shower mom, I watched and asked lots of questions. My dad just watched them. But I wanted to know why they were doing it that way. Then I tell them how I do it. And they're pretty good at explaining to me the difference.... usually my way would eventually hurt my back, etc...

Overall, the visiting caregivers don't criticize me too much where I end up feeling as if I'm stupid, don't know what I'm doing all the time, etc... They know how to be subtle, tactful. And I know how to listen, weigh the information and then do it or not.

For the last year that my mom was in IL she had a part-time caregiver that drove me nuts - bossy and constantly over-stepping - plus she always knew more/better when it came to moms care. Problem was mom adored her - largely I suspect because she doted on and spoiled mom - let mom have her way whether it was the right choice or not. When mom moved to AL we planned to use this caregiver until mom adjusted. But the adjusting never happened and mom was needing more help that the AL was going to provide so mom had to be moved to a nursing home. Now, once a week this caregiver still comes for five hours. The cg takes mom out to lunch, gives her mani/pedis, takes her to the minor dr appointments that I don't really need to go to - and in general this gal can get my mom to do things no one else can. The cg is still bossy, still over-steps, still knows better than anyone else - still drives me crazy but even the staff at the NH admit she has a positive impact on my mom - so she stays. How does your mother like this caregiver? That could be more important than how you feel about her.

Oh Gosh this is such a tough one. Moving and handling are, at best, not easy - and that is when we are talking objects. Once we get into the realms of people then it is worse and when that person cannot fully understand what you want them to do then multiply that 10 fold. And of course - all of us have been fully trained how to move and handle our loved ones haven't we?

NO OF COURSE WE HAVENT But training requires skills that your helper probably doesn't have . Actually definitely doesn't have because you are not taking the information she is giving you in that context. It may well be that this person has been trying to let you know that your way is NOT the right way - FOR YOUR HEALTH that is. It might work wonderfully for your mum but if in the process you damage your back then you can't caregive.

Now I know I am being generous here and they may just be the carers from hell who know everything but they may well be better trained than you so observe what they do, notice if they do something in a way you wouldn't and ask the question.....I find it easier to move Mum this way but I notice you do it that way....why?

See if by taking the student approach you can encourage them to 'give' of their knowledge rather than reproach you for what you are doing. I am a learn by watching sort of person so that works for me - you may be a different type of learner so whatever works best for you.

Try it it might make all the difference and if not you have given of your best xxx

the only person besides your mother that you have to satisfy is her primary doc .
i had hospice nurses trying to pick me apart too till i got fed up with it and told doc they were stressing our household . doc lit em up .
you have enough around your neck without some mussolini wannabe trying to push you around .

It's okay Cadams. Go with your guts. She's a subtle passive-aggressive person. Fools most people except the one who is in the receiving end. Everyone thinks she's so nice and helpful, but to you, it feels as if she's throwing digs at you sooooo subtly that no one realizes it - except you. My comment was aimed that there are caregivers who knows how to make 'pointers' without raising your hackles. She obviously prefers to put you down.

How can someone give criticism without being aware that they are doing it?

When you confronted her, did anything change?

How much time to you spend with her?

To M88-Thanks for following up. I appreciate. I haven't been able to get back to you all as my health took a sudden downturn from various issues and I'm trying to cope with it all, but not sure just what to do for some things. The helper I was having trouble with......well, she finally came over to pick up her check. We talked but I am still not sure I will have her come back......perhaps on emergency only. She really IS sooo critical of me and I can't figure why so much. I mentioned that I was really having lots of trouble with pain in my back that may be a muscle pulled, etc. She launched into quite a lecture on how I just wasn't doing it right, etc. and on and on and on. I sat there stunned. It is NOT my imagination. She just seems to refuse to have any compassion on me at all and instead I get lectures. This has happened many times. So, I don't know. At this point I am having our other helper fill in far more and I find her much more professional and supportive, though she won't fill in for the 2-3 hour shifts. cadams

Cadams, The helpers are supposed to help, not cause you more grief. Sorry this happened. I have no doubt you have been run over. I believe you-it is not unusual or a mystery that this happens.

Apparently she's in charge and you're the helper, so there's no need to check with her brain before opening her mouth. In private, use "I" statements to convey how the constant criticism makes you feel. Behaviors without consequences are apt to be repeated, and she needs to be reminded of her place.

Thanks for the input.
Hopefully the "helper" can be used for next to nothing kinda thing.
You don't need the "peanut gallery" making sassy remarks and or observations.
She has a job to do. Period. And now you know that she'll get "preachy"
with you, so you can come here and unload /vent without being judged. As if we don't have enough on our PLATTER !!! Plate not big enough!
We talk about ourselves and only a little or a lot. Depends on how we're doing.
I wish you well, and stick around please.

M88