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I'm still being abused . it took me 50 years to figure out I was never loved by these people. my father the narcissist and my mother the alcoholic I believe have been using me all these years. I left when I was 17 and should never have come back . my brother died 10 years ago and my sister told me" I'm going to get rid of you when I'm ready" she was obviously talking about the inheritance. its all about money for the 3 of them. when my brother died they tossed his wife and kids to the side. they have 5 grandchildren none of them like them. my sister was the golden child I am the scapegoat. I live within 30 minutes of my parents my sister lives out of state. I do all the work, have all the holiday dinnders. birthday parties....I cannot let them in my home anymore....they find things wrong insult me about what I have, I can not go to there home alone or be with them alone. they pick on me insult me abuse me. so I have to take someone with me when I'm around them. so they act better. . I do not feel comfortable around them, in there home. we can not go out to dinner because they expect me to pay the bill. (they are millionairs...im a single mom trying to get 2 kids thru college!!) It is hard talking to them...they promise things to get me to do things and then pretend it never happened. I only want a family that loves me. all they think about and talk about is their trust and money. I decided to follow the following rules. please advise. a) never be with them alone. b) do not allow them in my home ...to look around and insult and find things wrong. c) cant go out to dinner with them d) my children are afraid of them...I will not encourage my kids to be around them...they probably will never see them again. All the kids hate my sister kids and I have not seen her in years(I'm to blame for that too) e) thinking about not answering phone having my husband talk to them if they ever call again. don't know what else to do? they are sooo mean

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Dear Erna,

I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. Its a lot for one person to take. Your own health and well being is very important. Do you want you can to protect yourself. I know distancing yourself from your family is a last resort. I would also consider seeking out counseling for more encouragement and support and tools to deal with your family situation.
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Stop taking their calls and stop wasting your time with them. You are allowing them to treat you poorly. Spend your time and energy working on improving your self esteem.
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Walk away. TAke care of yourself
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I agree. You don't have to participate in their lives if it hurts you. Your parents aren't going to change at this point and it sounds as if your family dynamics have been ingrained over years and years. We can't change other people's behavior but we can change how we react to it. If it's as bad as you described walk away and start a new chapter in your life without negativity and criticism.
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I have to chime in here and say that remarks like "I'm going to get rid of you when I'm ready," and things like well-off parents expecting their single-mother daughter to pay for their dinners out, seeing that one's children are afraid of their own grandparents (especially in light of the OP's assertions that the family has an ugly tendency to use and abuse each other), etc., are "innocuous." I'm not trying to be rude or argumentative, but it seems that to suggest that the OP might just be "oversensitive" is really invalidating. I certainly understand how difficult it can be to have a sense of what's "right" or "not right" in family dynamics after years and years of subtle and not-so-subtle aggressions--it starts to feel that you're looking at everything through a funhouse mirror--but you KNOW when things are not right--especially when your instincts as a parent tell you that your children need to be protected from their grandparents.

Ernamoyer, I would agree with BarbBrooklyn about breaking off contact. Nothing is going to change. If you're afraid of not receiving any of the inheritance as a result, so be it. It's not worth the pain that is so obvious in your post, either to you or your children.

I wish you all the best.
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Are you someone's caregiver?

If these folks are all so toxic, consider breaking off all contact. You have caller ID? Don't pick up the phone when they call. Let their anger roll off your back.

It sounds as though there are plenty of others to deal with your parents' needs.

But get yourself some help, too.  My late MIL claimed her family and her late husband's family all abused her, criticized her, flaunted their "wealth".  In truth, they made innocuous comments about her furnishings, asked about where she did her grocery shopping and talked about their last vacation, all to simply make conversation.  MIL took any and all comments as criticism.  I don't know if it was limited intellectual ability or a personality disorder, but I quickly learned to never initiate a conversation with her and to answer in short sentences.  Make sure that you're not being oversensitive.
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