Hello, friends. I posted last week that we recently moved my elderly mom into our home & are starting to suspect she has dementia, though she has NOT been diagnosed as such. Well, today she forgot I was working from home & made a few calls to family thinking she had the house to herself. What she had to say about me was disgusting and shocking. She has accused me of: Taking her wallet and using her credit cards for our own personal spending; Taking her checkbook and refusing to let her see any of her finances or access her own money; Planning a party for her at our house so we can use her money to purchase new patio furniture and landscaping (we've done both, but not with her money). She told my aunt (who entertained this entire conversation) that she thought we asked her to move in so she'd be with us, but all we've done since she got here is spend, spend, spend. Well, yes, that's true. We're repairing her house to put it up for sale. I know - friends tell me this is normal with dementia patients. But my mother hasn't been diagnosed with dementia yet! When we last spoke to our estate attorney about managing the sale of the house and the financial/legal stuff the one thing he said was despite me having durable POA, I need to be very careful how I manage everything until she has a dementia diagnosis on her medical record because until then, she's legally considered competent and if she ever starts making accusations, those could get a real legal hassle for me (not that I'd be legally in trouble, but that it could take a court to straighten it out...at my expense). My mother has always been very accusatory and restrictive with me towards anything of hers (she was never a mom that shared well with her kids). She started to default on her creditors and they started calling me because she wouldn't take their calls. Then she finally agreed to let me take over her finances and I was SO HAPPY when she signed the durable POA for me because I thought she had finally gotten over her distrust of me and I'd be able to help her. But now she's calling relatives when she thinks I'm not home and making these accusations? I spent a fortune to move her out here and get our house prepared for her. I can't afford any legal trouble. Even if it turns out to be nothing. Has anyone else been through this?
I'd start by calling your lawyer and asking how to protect yourself from the false accusations that may arise from these phone calls.
Second, I trust mom is on every waiting list possible for memory care.
Third, make sure you are extra good to yourself today.
I'd be shaking with rage.
As for the gossip, you do not need to prove to her friends or your relatives what you are doing or not doing. If you have a clean record with them, they will know you and your husband would never rob Mom blind. If and when Mom is diagnosed with dementia, your family and friends will understand and they may already suspect. Just to be stinky, I would approach Mom and tell her what you overheard. I’d love to see her reaction!
This certainly doesn't sound like nothing...I'd be FURIOUS [and I'd have definitely interrupted those phone calls if only to see her face...but maybe you are a better person than I!]
In all seriousness, I would urge you to get her to a doctor for a psychological evaluation to rule cognitive issues out of the picture. Just because she doesn't have a diagnosis does NOT mean she is 'fine', from what you have said her behaviour needs to be looked at professionally. If someone looked at her and said "that's nothing to worry about" get yourself a second opinion. It might not be Dementia but your mother might have Paranoid Personality Disorder, or any number of other mental illnesses that could cause this sort of behaviour.
I'd also encourage you to document your spending and the management of her finances, that way you have protection and proof if you need to defend yourself legally. Hopefully this never happens.
If she does have cognitive impairments, your mother might never get over her paranoia... I know that's a very harsh outcome to consider but please keep it in mind. It could be that no amount of effort on your part earns her respect or trust because she isn't rational anymore.
What make this very difficult is when relatives and friends actually believe what your Mom is saying. Have your Mom checked for dementia/Alzheimer's as soon as you can to help verify this is the reason why Mom is doing what she is doing.
If you know that Mom is on the phone, I would quickly get into the same room, and interrupt her by asking if she wants tea or coffee when she is through. Or ask her who she is talking to, then say you want to say hello. Then it is up to you to tell the person what Mom is getting confused at times, so be patient with her.
Found this excellent article that should be of some help: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/How-to-handle-alzheimers-disease-lying-144204.htm
JOKING [I hope you have the same sick sense of humour as me]
If this is her mellow I would hate to have seen her 'full mean'...I wish I had better suggestions for you Scout but from what you've shared maybe having her live in your home long term is not a good idea. It might be what is easier for her, but it sounds like it's going to be absolutely unbearable for you and your husband.
Is there a way you can plan for other arrangements for your mom, maybe not right away but something to work towards?
Yes...once we got her moved in (3 weeks or so ago) and rapidly came to understand the extent of her cognitive "stuff" (it's probably dementia) we realized that this is probably a 6-month to 1-year arrangement tops. We're trying to keep her here for the time being because I'm still trying to get her house (3 hours away) prepared for sale. There's only so much we can tackle at once.
Do I want her here? God, no. Definitely not now that reality has made itself known to us. But I don't want to panic and start making a bunch of knee-jerk reactions on the emotions of the situation alone. I'm trying to make decisions that are best long-term for my family, and for her.
For starters, I need an official diagnosis. I've got an email out to the doctor with our laundry list of observations of the past 3 weeks and a request that she call me ASAP so we can discuss next steps for confirming whatever the hell it is that's wrong with mom.
Thursday I meet with a home health agency to get an aide in here, whether mom wants one or not, immediately. I don't care how much it costs. If if gives me some space while still assuring she's cared for, I'll gladly hook them up with her savings account. Money well spent.
After that, we'll hopefully have a diagnosis documented and can start reaching out to local facilities to inquire about their waiting lists.
Now if someone could just get my mother to keep her mouth shut until we've managed our way through all of this, life will be significantly easier. But if not, I think the hubby, daughter (9 year old) and I will be taking LOTS of walks daily to shake it all off (as my little girl puts it).
I would not be shy about calling 911 if your mom has the least little problem and trying to get her admitted.
If she spends 3 nights as an admitted patient ( If they talk about obsevation, scream bloody murder) she's eligible for "rehab" . From there it's an easy segue into Long Term Care. Your family doesn't deserve this treatment.
And keep your daughter far away from mentally ill granny.
My mom, with vascular dementia, passed those 30 question mini mentals until a month before she died.
Going forward, remember that anything that gets spent on mom's comfort, mom's moves, mom's needs, comes out of MOM'S accounts.
NOT yours.
He claimed it was to take advantage of when the rising stock market would produce a bigger payout to care for mom but it sure looked bad to everyone who’d heard the stories!
Advice to you, seriously—Get mom admitted to a geriatric psych unit for ‘assessment of mental condition’. They’ll probably see dementia in her tests, interviews, scans...a psychiatrist will interview and examine her. They might put her on a medication. I had second thoughts about the meds but they really helped my mom be more positive and sharper mentally.
My dad though, after buying a new car, just made me suspicious of him too. My mom’s diagnosis was moderate dementia/depression and her meds were needed I think but I have suspicions of all my relatives now.
Mom’s doing well though. That’s important!
You need for your mother to live somewhere else. That isn't necessarily memory care, and I wouldn't limit my search for housing to that category without an assessment about her living environment needs. This is different than assessing that she has dementia. About 60% of the residents of regular assisted living facilities have dementia. Their needs are met just fine there. If they start to wander or have behavior disturbing to other residents they may then be moved to memory care. Or a small group home may be suitable. About the only things we can assume right now is that she doesn't need a nursing home, and she mustn't live with you!
It sounds to me like you are handling this very, very well. You are in touch with a doctor and a lawyer. Gold stars for you!
Even if it turns out that mother doesn't have a diagnosis of dementia (which would surprise me greatly) you still need for her to live somewhere else. So, full steam ahead on that effort!
Keep in touch here. We care.
Yeah, that's what I thought. I've got a graduate degree in chemistry and I'm a senior manager in a Fortune 500 company responsible for 500 million dollars worth of revenue per year. Are they kidding me? They don't think I can manage 3 credit cards and a checking account that's never hit five digits? Ridiculous. I told my cousin that I do not have the time nor the interest in being babysat by my own extended family. If they think they can do a better job, I'm happy to have all her stuff shipped to their front door.
The thought of my mother living with me makes me sick to my stomach. Someone this weekend asked if my mother would be moving in with us, and i said I would probably be dead within 6 months if that happened.
Of course, when she no longer drives, YOU will probably be expected to pick up the slack. You're over there everyday already? You'll probably have to spend even more time with her. Ugh.
Are you ready to set some boundaries? I hope so, because if not, then nothing will change (and it will get worse).
You are on the right track. Keep working toward the goal - which is getting Mom out of your home and into the care she needs.
Stay strong and hang in there.