OMG! My mother made my life a living hell, insisting she needed to move out of my home into a nursing home. How do I handle this?


Okay, six visits to the emergency rooms in the area in less than two months. Fake vomiting, fake heart attack, fake fall. Refusing in home care, a complete uncooperative senior person who got what she wanted. Nursing home. Now, she tells me, you need to get me out of here. She refuses to participate in activities. She takes all meals in her room. She treats me like I am a stranger. I am her only daughter. She lived in our home, I cooked 3 meals every day, did every task involved in providing a home for her. I am feeling manipulated and mentally and emotionally abused. She is a healthy 85 year old who decided she is done! How do I handle this new development ... "You need to get me out if here"?

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Ignore it.

What is your mother's ailment? Does she have dementia?
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to jeannegibbs

I agree with Jeanne. Your mom is where she needs to be.

"I'll look into that, Mom" is a good phrase to remember
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to BarbBrooklyn

Contemplate the above answers as they are all valid.
Yet, here are my 2 cents from my own experience.

It is said: "No good deed goes unpunished." My husband and I took very good care of my Mom to the point that compared to even the best nursing home, our care and attention cannot be matched. Of course she will want to come home, because at the nursing home people will not put up with her 'foibles' as much as you did.

When I read your posting, my first thought was, "Count your blessings!"

We took mom into the nursing home too late, at 96, and it has been hard for her to adjust. We should have done it in the late 80's. There IS a period of adjustment which varies with each resident - from 1 month to 1 year. Be glad she is there and you have part of your life back. Meanwhile, you have to just keep responding to her request in various ways and be at peace in the best way possible within yourself...yes, it is a roller coaster at times.

I have various answers to Mom's request to 'wanting to come home'.
[I am open to other ones which I have not yet thought of. ]

- Mom, I spoke to the doctor this week and he is changing your medicines and needs to see how you respond for a week or so.

- Mom, I am so happy you are here because they care for you so well!

- Mom, I hear you. I will ask the doctor next time that I am there.

- Mom, it's Saturday and the doctor is not here. I will call him on Monday. Okay?

- Mom, remember you told me over and over that when your care got too much, I should find you a good nursing home? Well, I finally listened to you. I looked for 3 months and found the best one around! And you are here! Aren't the gardens beautiful?

- Mom, so many people here want to visit with you. They are so happy you are here! I am so proud of you for making so many new friends. [I say this even if she can't remember people's names!]

- Mom, I understand that you want to come home. Let's go sit outside and talk about that. [by the time we get outside, she is on to another topic.]

- Mom, I miss you too. I love you. But right now you really need medical care that I cannot give you at home because I am not a nurse.

You said your mom treats you like a stranger. Again, "Count your blessings." Don't visit as often.
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to balancedCaring

I handled both my parents questions by saying,
“Great question. Let’s ask the doctor.”
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to yogagirl

Leave her right where she is. She is definitely in need of the care.

Cut your visits and contact with her waaaaay back for a while, give her a chance to adjust. Whatever you do, don't bring her back home.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Midkid58

Sometimes seniors act in ways that are confusing. I might explore what's going on with her doctor, if you are charge of that. If you know that she has psychological issues, dementia, etc. you might just adjust your expectations and try not to take things personally. Erratic behavior, changing her mind, withdrawing, etc. can indicate any number of things, but, if she decided she wanted to get care in nursing home and it was appropriate, then perhaps it was a good decision.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Sunnygirl1

I agree don't take her back home.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to tevincolorado

Another vote for "Leave Her There".

In answer to her wanting to come home...."I'm working on it."
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to SueC1957

Balancecaring - many good responses you had. I just might adopt some of them to use with my mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to polarbear

And if you think of others, which I may not have, DO post them for me too! :-)
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to balancedCaring

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