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My dad has been calling more often from the nursing home. He says he is going home. I tell him that he needs to stay there for now and that I will talk to the doctor. I am basically lying to him because he will never get out of the nursing home. That is his home now. But I don't know what else to say to him. He gets angry with me and sometimes he says that he was told that it is up to me whether he stays there or leaves. I really hate lying to him but the one time that I told him that he is home, he got even angrier. Does anyone have any suggestions what I can say to him?

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It sounds like you’re already handling this very well, although you may not believe it. It’s so easy to second guess ourselves or keep trying to solve this impossible puzzle. Talk to his Dr about adding/increasing meds for anxiety. If your Dad’s always agitated, that’s not good for him. Can you imagine never being at peace? So stressful for them!
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I don't think there are any certain things to say. It's just trying different things. You may always get agitation from him or it could stop at a certain phase. My LO used to have many questions, but, eventually, they stopped. Is your father agitated in general or just about leaving or when he calls you? I'd likely talk to his doctor about medication. If you feel that his behavior is not being managed properly, I'd discuss it with the staff. When my LO needed a higher level of care, it was obvious and when she arrived in MC, it was obvious too. There, she was much more content and her care was much improved.
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If you can't cut off phone calls completely and I can tell you really care about him so you can't. Could you get the staff to put something in the records that you are only available at a certain time on certain days? And to just to tell your dad "sorry sir I get her voicemail". Or "We're only allowed to try so many times a day so when they get your "voicemail" he won't say try again!
Another thing,. My mom has dementia and she's basically forgot how to use or talk on a phone. Pretty soon you will look back on this and wish your dad were able to call you again. I'm not trying to make you sad or feel guilty. It's just I remember when mom would do things that I thought would drive me crazy and I would give anything if she could go back to the time when she could still do those things.
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I would lose the phone. He really doesn't need it in a NH. They will call you with any problems and emergency. My daughter says if you take the phone you must tell the DON. Daughter explained when someting like a phone is "lost" an investigation is launched. Paperwork involved. The staff will hunt hi and low only too find a family member removed it.

I would find out who is telling him its up to you. I would ask that he not be told this.
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Chergal Apr 2019
He doesn't have a phone in his room. I refuse to get one in there because he will call me constantly and at all times of the night. Also when he was in the hospital a few years back, he was calling 911. So he has to go to the nurses station to call me. They call me and say my dad wants to talk to me. As far as who is telling him that it is up to me. I think it is other residents that do not have dementia. I heard them tell him stuff simular to this before. I talked to the staff about him saying that to me and they assured me that they would never tell him that.
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It is heartbreaking. No matter how many times you answer the phone he will never understand or remember your explanation. Answering his calls is agitating him, and he already is in an agitated state.

Using the phone is an ADL and it is possible that he is losing the ability to use the phone.

I don't know what I would do. Have you asked his nurse what's going on with your dad that's making him call you so frequently?
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Chergal Apr 2019
Well I know the dementia is getting worse but he is getting really restless. He has been in the nursing home for 2 and a half years. This may not make sense but it almost feels like this is the calm before the big storm. I read somewhere that dementia and alzheimer's patients get really restless just before a serious medical change. I am preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. There are days when he remembers a lot of things and then I feel guilty for him being in the nursing home. But then there are days when he seems to forget alot of things. So far, he has never forgotten my name and that I am his daughter but he thinks my mom and his mom are the same person. So there is a disconnect there. I dread the day when I go to visit him and he doesn't even know who I am. I am just wondering if this restlessness has something to do with that type of change.
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"i'm looking into that, dad". I need to talk to the doc, dad, give me a day". There's paper work that has to be done dad. I'm getting it ready".

(((hugs))))
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Chergal Apr 2019
thanks. yea that is basically what I am saying to him now except I don't give time frame like "tomorrow". The reason I don't want to give a time frame is because sometimes he seems to remember things. It is like swiss cheese. Sometimes he remembers and sometimes he doesn't. So with my luck, if I give a time frame, that is the time he will remember.
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